Mail Bag - Tough

Transcription

[intro music]

Woman 1:  Papa and I are going to record so y'all go ahead and shut the door. [door closing]

[propeller airplane]

Child:  Oh cool, look an airplane! Woah!

Man 1:  We have a tough letter for the Pearls this week in our vintage answer series. Here's what they had to say to one troubled parent.

Michael Pearl:  We're opening our mail this morning and we're going to read it together and discuss some of the problems that you are writing to us about and see if we can come up with some answers and maybe throw a little light on your child‑training procedures. All right, our first letter here, Deb, would you read it to us.

Debi Pearl:  OK, this is a difficult letter. It says, "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pearl. I found your book about a year ago when our son was two years old and beginning to be difficult. I read it and it sounded a little radical. I figured we could get by. One year later, our son had become a terror. He was almost impossible to manage and I was so discouraged. I dreaded each day. While they slept at night, my husband and I went into his room and prayed for him and for us.

We also have a 19‑month‑old daughter and there is very little energy left after dealing with our son to give her much attention. We knew something had to change and change fast. We got your book back out and each of us read it again. We prayed for wisdom and began to use the techniques on our son.

Of course, as you can imagine, in about three days he was a very different little boy. He was happy and obedient and much more loving. We were so thankful and encouraged, so we wanted to thank you for sharing the information with us and others like us.

We started using the rod consistently about two‑and‑a‑half months ago but, recently, we have seen that it seems to have lost some of its effectiveness. Our son was so impossible before and he has improved so much, and so have we, of course. There are just some areas where he, and we, still need real improvement.

Our son still whines almost constantly. We have rewarded each time with a spanking but he still continues. For example, every morning, almost without exception, he whines about his clothes he will be wearing for the day. The collar's too tight, the pants are crooked, his socks are twisted, and so forth.

The thing we do not understand is that we do not change what he is wearing because he whines and we don't fix or rearrange what he thinks needs to be adjusted. He is a perfectionist about his clothes and everything else. We have not given in to his needs to have everything just perfect. He really gets into a panic about his clothes and we spank him but he continues to whine the whole next day about his clothes.

Every time we hear him whine, we spank him all through the day, but tomorrow he will do the same thing. I am sure that we are doing something wrong but we don't know what it is or how to fix it."

Michael:  OK, one thing I'm impressed with here is that they go into the room and they pray with the child. That the mother said she's sure they're doing something wrong but she doesn't know how to fix it so I see a humility here and a willingness to learn which is going to go a long way in child‑training. One of the things that impresses me right off is that she said that they read our book and it sounded a little radical so they put it away and one year later, their son was a terror. That made him, I think, three years old when they discovered he was a terror. She said that she became discouraged and dreaded each day.

Child training should be one of the highlights, one of the joys, of your life. Having your children and spending a day with them and teaching them and seeing them grow and develop should be one of the most enjoyable experiences of life, wouldn't you say so, Deb?

Debi:  Yes, I was impressed with what she said. Once they started the discipline, it said he was happy and obedient which more than that he was much more loving. That is such a common comment that we get that the parents say, "Our children just loved us more."

Michael:  A child who is rebellious and disobedient, his own conscience will cause him to dislike himself and dislike others and create a tension and anxiety in the child. When a child is caused to be obedient, when he's caused to conform to the rule of law, when he is caused by a power higher than himself to do what even he knows he ought to do, then the child is going to relax. He's going to be more loving. He's going to love more and he's going to receive love more because he's going to feel like he's a part of the social order and that's going to make him comfortable, it takes away the tension.

When a child is not acting as we'd have him to, every parent is going to display a sense of rejection, they're going to be, if not angry, the parent's going to be a sense of rejection somewhere.

The eyebrows will be twisted down just right, and when the child looks up and sees that rejection, when he looks up and sees that disapproval in his parent's face, it's going to make him all the more caustic and all the more rude, and all the more rebellious. So, it's very essential that you maintain a cheerful, working, cooperative relationship with your children.

Deb:  It goes on to say, he whines, almost constantly. Well, whining identifies what's happening in the soul, and what's happening in your soul, he is dissatisfied with life. Things aren't going the way he wants them to go. So, let's say what we can do to help him out.

Michael:  Well, you noticed that they waited till he was three years old. I have often said that the first two years of the child's life are the most important in training a child. The first three years of a child's life, and, I think, determines his personality entirely. It determines his bent on life, the way he is going to respond. So, we wait till a child is three years old, before you begin maintaining control. You've already allowed that child to develop negative traits and habits that I think will continue throughout the rest of his life.
Now a child may gain control of those. A parent may gain control, so that the child stops manifesting, for instance, whining, but, nonetheless, that spirit of dealing with life from a standpoint of whining, or feeling sorry for yourself, or feeling that you are denied something, or feeling that you are abused, that is going to carry with that child throughout the rest of his life.

There is always going to be a tendency there. So, I want to emphasize the importance of training those children from day one, right from one month old, two month old, three month old child up to age two.

If you have conquered, if you have won, if you have caused that child to be comfortable, to enjoy life, to be disciplined, to obey commands, to respond positively, to not whine, by the time he is two years old, then you have basically won the battle.

So, I just want to point out that it's really important to get that training done early. Now, in this case they have failed, and till about the child was three years old, and immediately upon instituting the principles they read in the book, they said the child became happy and obedient and much more loving.

And she says, "We were thankful and encouraged." If that was the end of the letter, we would say, "Well, a perfect score here." But she goes on to say that they started using the rod consistently about two‑and‑one‑half months, but, recently, she says we have seen it lose some of its effectiveness.

Now all she mentions is using the rod, and we certainly talked about the use of the rod in our book, but we talk about a whole lot more than just using the rod, don't we, Deb?

Debi:  That's right. The joy in a home, the atmosphere that you set in the home, makes the difference in how the child gives life. You need to create an atmosphere of joy and love and happiness, thankfulness. Whining to me is the opposite of thankfulness. And so, your feelings and how you project yourself, will in a great way affect how your children respond. Anytime your child wants, I don't care if your child is seven months old, or seven years old, look in to that child's face and say, "I have caused this child to be discontent, and I am thankful. From this moment on, I am going to do everything I can to let him see thankfulness in my own heart."

Michael:  I find it hard to conceive of a child whining in a home with the mother smiling. I find it hard to conceive that the child is pitiful and discontent and upset where the others around that child are joyful and lighthearted and spirited with eagerness, zest for life. Whining has to be incubated in an environment of discontent. Now, parents learn not to whine outwardly. They learn not to [inaudible 09:40] . Most parents learn that it is not socially acceptable to put on a pitiful little voice, but yet the whine of the spirit carries on in to adulthood and children will pick that up.

Of course, we are talking about, we have a letter here with a limited amount of information, and as we address that, we may not hit the target with this particular person who wrote this letter, because it's not likely you have spent an hour with you or even a day, it's not likely your neighbor and know you well.

It's not likely been through four or five counseling sessions. We have one letter that takes up less than a page here. But we are just trying to read between the lines and see what might be here in the background.

Man 1:  Thanks for listening. We will continue this tough letter next week when the Pearls address the little unhappy perfectionist. Again, I invite to you to visit Cane Creek Corner to check out this week's specials.

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