“My husband has a hard time with his temper and hits me occasionally. I have learned that I get hit if I ask him to do things that other men do as a matter of course. When I was pregnant with our first child, he punched me in the jaw because I had told him that I did not have the money for rent. When my baby was 15 days old, I received another beating for telling my husband that I had lined up a spot for us at the shelter for homeless families. I no longer suggest that the money he uses for cigarettes could be used for food; that brought another beating. When I mentioned that I would go to the food bank then, that also brought me a beating.
At year 4 of the marriage I went through a period of longing for the eternal comfort of death. I still have told no one in this town what happens at home, as I do not wish to bring my husband shame should he ever come to Christ and know these people, although I think they are figuring it out. I speak with him of him "sensitive" things in cars now, as it is harder for me to get hit in a moving vehicle.
So I am growing weary, and I am having a hard time keeping my secret. I am considering telling my pastor. At this time, I am contemplating leaving my husband even though he has said he would kill me if I ever did.
You can print this if you'd like. I no longer care if he reads it in the NGJ newsletter that we receive. I am prepared to die if my husband should decide to kill me, if that be God's will. Being beaten regularly helps you to open your mind for sacrificing yourself unto God, for understanding Christ's tribulations as he was beaten, for fully grasping the depth of love in His statement, "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."
Perhaps my death is what will bring him to the Lord. Please pray for me. Thank you so much for the newsletter and the books that have kept me from taking my own life these past years, and putting it into God's when I have my times of despair.”
— A Reader
Michael answers:
You should not have to endure the beatings. Tell your pastor and the next time he leaves marks on you, call the law and have him arrested. If they allow him out on bail, get a peace bond where he will be arrested again if he comes near you. He needs to do jail time. When he is in prison, you can visit him and encourage him to repentance. Perhaps he will get saved and your marriage can become heavenly. If you have him arrested, be prepared to testify against him in court. You can have the attorney contact me and I will provide your email where you express the excessive abuse. It will carry much weight. Tell your best friends of the abuse. Tell them that you wrote me. You need evidence out there to support you.
Have you ever gone to the doctor with any wounds inflicted by him? Even if you are not prepared to go to the law right now, if he leaves a mark on you, go to the local health clinic and show them the marks. Get it documented. I have prayed that God will give you wisdom. God does not mean for you to suffer so. This goes beyond your duty to obey. His activity is criminal and should not go unpunished. Let me know how it all works out.
- Michael Pearl
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. 3 John 4
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My husband abuses me with his mouth weekly. I hate it, and it makes me bitter. I have your book on being a help meet. I am doing my best with the Lord's help. I am praying my husband will get saved. He loves to start fights, I keep my mouth shut, and pray while it is going on. Sometimes I hate him. He is so cruel and mean.
I have long wondered what Michael's response to this situation would be. I have been married for 6 years to a Christian man who abuses me physically and verbally. I have searched the Bible for an answer and waited to see if an article would be written on this situation in No Greater Joy with no result yet. I did find this one but my situation is not quite the same. My husband is a Christian, he comes from a divided family and is unfortunately repeating his Father's pattern.
His Mother left his Father when he was ten and took all 4 of her kids to live with her family states away. I have confided in his Uncle and Aunt who also get No Greater Joy and are God fearing people but for some reason they have not advised that I leave him(just separate not divorce) they say that because my husband's Mother only intended to separate and not divorce but ended up divorced anyway that I should consider that it could happen to me if I decide to separate from him. I have searched the Bible and it seems that the only cause for divorce is adultery. I do not wish to divorce my husband and I really think he is the kind of man who would seek help if I did separate from him, I don't think he understands the depth of the damage he has inflicted upon me and our kids. Which is another circumstance that makes my situation different. I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old who have been caught in the middle. He doesn't hit them but he does spank out of anger and they do witness his anger towards me. My children are what have lit a fire under me to seriously do something. I have asked my husband to get help and after each fight he admits he needs it but doesn't do anything about it. He doesn't hit as much as he used to but the anger and verbal abuse is still there along with the anger towards my 2 year old.
I should also mention that I have also informed his Mother of the situation and her solution has been to pray for us. I have been praying about this situation since the beginning of our marriage and I have come to the realization that maybe the answer is that I need to act. I would love to hear Michael's opinion of the situation if at all possible. Thank you for all you do in your ministry!
Marie,
My situation is much like yours. He is saved and also abusive. It is mostly with his words. He too admits he was wrong and needs help after the moment has passed. I find myself very torn because I do want to submit to him and be his help meet but time after time of angry responses has left me very confused. How do I do that? How do I give myself intimately to my husband who will sexually abuse me? How do I fully submit to my husband who has taken my submission and used it for his pleasure? Does submission ever say, "I really would not like to do that or watch that?"
Confused
I am almost in the same position as you as well. My husband hits me when he gets mad enough. and He spanks our 18 month old out of anger. He yells at him and cusses at him too. and he yells at our 4 month old for crying. he's a good dad when hes not mad...
it hurts me and i feel like i'm just not in love anymore sometimes. But i have to stay strong in this marriage and pray for my kids. I meant my wedding vows and I wont make a move until the Lord tells me too.
As for my kids I will pray for them, and with them. and when they are old enough to understand I will will teach them why I do what I do and put up with what i do. I will teach them to honor respect and obey therir dad anyways. and teach them how to become better men when they are grown. if it gets to bad physically we'll call police and continue to love him.
My husband was called to preach when he was younger. He ran from the Lord, and from the pulpit. I believe thats why he has changed into the person he is today- bitter and angry. He's saved but out of place. He wont allow me to go to church but me an the kids have our own church right in the dining room when he's not home.
The point is, we'll all be alright as long as we hold to the Lord and his Word. and trust that everything will be okay. Faith isn't always knowing God can, sometimes it's believing He will. I believe He will allow me and my kids a good life if we look towards him.
Honestly, I will be open here with what I believe. I am a King James Bible believing Christian. I believe the Authorized King James Bible is God's preserved word.
I am convinced that abuse and adultery are on the same level, and a woman has a Biblical, Christ centered 100 percent right to leave, and divorce, not only seperate from, a man who is physically and emotionally abusing her. This is NOT an excuse for someone to stretch the definition of abuse for selfish reasons, like "he doesn't buy me the things I desire". If a man is beating you, Christian sisters, leave him and divorce him if he does not repent and stop this abuse against you and your children. You are 100 percent allowed to do so.
Michael Perl, thank you for writing Bible believing books and for defending eternal security of the saved. You are right on those.
Erin and Sandy and others, Jesus loves you and He is your Advocate and Spiritual Husband. Jesus does not tolerate such abuse against you.
Thank you for sharing your belief on the matter. Your conviction does not make it biblical. A man that physically abuses his wife or children is a criminal and should serve time for his crimes,as Michael suggest in his reply. Your are correct in the Lord's intolerance of abusive behavior, and unless it is under the blood, the damnation will be great. Even believers will have to give and account for their actions and experience final sorrow for their deeds before the Lord wipes away their tears.