Hiya! I have been in a constant debate within myself as to what I should do concerning my future as in furthering my education or giving it up. I was mainly pushed by my boss to go to college, as well as some family members. My mom felt it was God’s calling simply because everything fell into place. But I’ve struggled with knowing what I really should be doing, and I didn’t feel right about going.
While I was in college, I began dating a great Christian man who won my heart and trust(it took him a few years until I was willing to give him a chance). I was reluctant in giving my heart over to him because I didn’t trust anyone outside my family and I couldn’t see myself getting married. I had always had a desire to get married, But I didn’t want to end up like my mom who has married multiple times to men who have not treated her well and my dad was an alcoholic that didn’t treat me well verbally.
I am glad to say that I(with lots of prayer) became engaged to my wonderful Christian man, and I do consider him my best friend and a gift from God. I was able to let go of the fears that I’d be mistreated and desire to humbly serve him. The only thing is… He does not want to go back to school (he went one year-my second- with me). He and I have been able to share a job together, with God’s blessing, it is a Christian radio station. The downside is that it’s just one day he is working. And that’s not enough to start a marriage with. And I, sadly, have been getting impatient with the fact that he doesn’t seem to be looking for another job. He and I know that the jobs were he live are not that good… but I’d at least like to see some effort. I feel that he will eventually work on getting a job, I been praying the Lord will open doors.
On top of that, my fiance has a hereditary vision problem to the point he can’t drive. So I don’t know how trasportation will work, other than me driving him after we are married( I’ve done that while we were in school and when we go to the station). I love having him with me, but it might be a challege not having him be able to drive… since right now I have another job that keeps me really busy.
My aunt says to listen to my fiance, and rather than going to college work on getting prepared for marriage, which is something I want to do. But the rest of my family and boss will be disappointed in me not continuing school, and worry that my fiance’s vision trouble will push me into the “bread winner’s” position of the family… and I will become controling. They feel I am missing out on a great opportunity through not continuing school. I don’t want to be a dissappointment, and this sort of frustrates me. I could se some sound advice and prayers. Thanks!
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Ashley, sounds like you are disappointed with this guy? You say he works only one day a week? If he isn’t taking the reigns for himself now, he probably isn’t going to when are you married. I don’t know whether or not you should go to school, sounds like you want to and are really not sure if you should marry this guy. There are tons of other fellas out there, don’t settle because you are afraid you will be hurt again. You don’t want to be stuck in a marriage and hurting for the rest of your life! Many handicapped people can work more than one day a week. Not looking for a job now, don’t hope it is going to magically change once you tie the knot. Hope it turns out well for you.
If marriage is important to him and being a provider is important to him he will find a a way around not being able to drive.
Until he can provide don’t marry him and if it lasts too long (him not being able to provide) perhaps call of the engagement.
I provided for my husband for 4 years while he was in med school, so its not the end of the world, providing for your man, but you sense a lack of drive to provide and that is serious. I never sensed that in my boyfriend, fiancee and then husband. We met in college, I was a year ahead in school. However, he unexpectedly graduated in three years instead of 4 and so caught up to me (hard worker). Since he was surprised to graduate he had not yet applied to med school. But that year off was a blessing in disguise. We worked like crazy to save money for us for med school-and had 6 months of early marriage together before he hit the rigours of med school. While we were in med school I provided income and he saved and managed our money very well even allowing me the freedom to get pregant after 2 years and stay home with the baby for the last year of med school. That was one year with NO income and due to his wise planning we were provided for. Then after graduation he now works really hard so I can continue to stay home while he is in residency. He takes extra shifts on weekends when a car needs new brakes etc.
You say you want to prepare for marriage and seem like YOU don’t really want to go back to school. Your fiancee has to face the reality that he may have proposed to early. He has to figure out how to provide without driving and until he does he is not ready to marry you. I would pray and do what you would do if things dont work out with your fiancee, meaning prepare for marriage in general not necessarily to him. Its fine to be poor, even by choice, its not fine to have no plan to provide for a wife when you marry. He may just need time to realize how important this is.
What is his vision for your family, does he want you to work outside the home? Does he see himself as the provider and you the keeper of the home? What does he want to do with himself?
Is your Aunt happily married? Consider the source of advice. Your mother has never had a happy marriage so planning around a man seems dangerous to her.
Dear Thankful,
I’m glad to hear that your husband has worked very hard for you and has provided for you and your family well even within your marriage. That must feel very comforting, and I desire to feel that way someday, too.
My fiance doesn’t feel that school is the right thing for him to do. He doesn’t have a desire to obtain a degree in what he is going for, and he says he’d rather find a way to establish a stable job now, rather than later. I am fine either way, but I’ve also wrestled within my heart and prayed to God while I was in college for the two years I went. I have never felt a sure peace about it. But I can say that the year he went was more comforting to me, becuase I had a constant friend to be with, pray with, and read the Bible and devos. I’ve told him that I hope he knows what he is doing concerning college and work, and we’ve been in prayer about the situation. Yesterday (all in one day) he let the college know that we are not going this year, though they seem to act like they will keep us on file just in case, and he was able to talk to our paster into going to a temp. place to find work and get a resume started. I am praying that he will pursue after a job that will become a stable one, and I have been praying that God will bless us with His great help in time of need.
I admit that I feel silly sometimes when others get me down over this, because there are some people that think me crazy for trusting God that He’ll somehow get my fiance started in the right direction. Maybe I am being crazy… but my heart is with my fiance, and I do want to be a support to him. I feel that this challege may teach me how to deal with more challenges later in the future, and it’s also been causing me to look to God moreso. My fiance has a great heart and I know that he is willing to provide for me and he desires that I’ll be a stay at home mommy one day, and he even desires to adopt because he wants to help out with orphans. But I do constantly remind him that in order for that to happen… we need to have some sort of income coming from him. I know that ultimately God is the One who provides the money and sustains us, but I do think I would like to see more effort on my fiance’s part. Yet, it is a challenge finding a decent job near to wear he lives that’s at least a bike ride away.
So far as to the proposal… there wasn’t much of one… we just discussed our thoughts about staying committed to each other and marrying, and we went and got the rings together. So, it wasn’t that he proposed too early, we were both in on it.
My aunt had a rough start to her marriage because her husband wasn’t much of a Christian, but he’s one now and they are very well off. They don’t live as if they are well off though…. they have become more and more down to earth(mainly thought my aunts influence) and they have created their own little farm. My aunt and uncle get along well and they are very content it seems. My aunt has been helping care for another mans children since his own wife had left him. He was left with their adopted kiddos…. and there are still 9 of them living with him. Please pray for that man because he’s been having such a tough time. His wife remarried on top of it. I’m thankful that my aunt has also been there to help him, especially since she has been a stay at home wife/mother basically since her and my uncle married. If she had been working… that man would have been putting a LOT of money towards daycare expenses.
My aunt is the type of woman that reads her bible, prays, and listens to christian music on a daily basis. She has also taught Sunday school classes, ran a homeschool for several years, and ran a non-profit organization for a few years to reach out to public schoolers to teach the Bible to them. So I would think her advice is good 🙂
Dear Ariel,
I can admit that I have been somewhat disappointed with my fiance, and I feel bad that he has been disappointed with himself. But I do not want him or I to be weighted down to the point it pulls us into a heavy depression. If that were the case… then motivation would be far from us.
It is true that he only works one day a week, or… at least he did, but the job has been put on hold for a month until the Sharathon is over. He wants to take this time of being off to look for ways into getting a stable job, and drawing closer to God. I enjoyed those “one day a week” job days because I was able to work with him at a Christian radio station that I’ve listened to for years…. and I loved the opportunity to reach out to others in a music ministry. My fiance actually worked for them doing graphic design stuff, which is what we were both going for at college. And he did a fantastic job 🙂 I would love the Lord to open another door for us to work together again for Him. Though I have to learn patience.
I am waiting to see if my fiance will start to secure a job and keep it. Which I don’t doubt that once he aquires a job, he’ll do the best he can. I’ve seen him work, both in school and at our first job together. Getting the job itself is the problem and also the transportation.
So far as school goes, I would like to go back due to the fact that I’ll miss the people I met there, and I will miss the fact that it helped me socially. But I can’t say that getting a college degree is a desire of mine, afterall I’d prefer to be a stay at home mom, and free from being distracted from persuing a career that could take my focus off of God.
I am aware that there are tons of other guys out there…. but I’ve never met a guy or connected with a man like my fiance. We have known each other for several years and we have similar backgrounds and share the same mindset the majoiryt of the time. We’ve never had a full out arguement, have been transparent with each other, and have both felt safe enough to cry in front of each other (even while praying). He says that he felt the Lord drawing him to me when he started to go back to our church we currently are going to (and will one day be married). He told his mom and his aunt and uncle that he was going to marry me one day. He was very patient in persuing me, even though I came across for a long time that I didn’t want anything to do with him(I wasn’t ready for a relationship and found it hard to trust men). I’m confident that I am to marry him… I just have to wait upon the Lord for His help… and any prayers are welcome.
* or a career that could take my attention away from my future children.
I would be cautious about any man who does not provide properly for his family. Paul tells Timothy that a man who does not care for his family is worse than an infidel. But- if this is what God is leading you in- go ahead.
If he does not want you to go to college- DON’T. My aunt was encouraged by those around her to make major decisions without consulting with her boyfriend (they were close to engaged), and he broke up with her over it. He is checking you out as a submissive help meet- act like one!