Well, sunflower, you don’t ask easy questions, do you?!

A general conversation about divorce can never be “easy”! By that, I mean that although the rules may be black and white as per Biblical mandates, people’s hearts tend to be varying shades of grey. We are all “hard-hearted” (which, Biblically, means disobedient, stubborn, or self-willed). Moses was, in a way, forced to make a provision for divorce because we fail to love our spouses as much as we love ourselves.

For example, the Bible is clear about how believers are to treat unbelievers, but that requires a serious judgment call about whether or not someone is a believer. A Christian is supposed to claim Christ in word and in deed, right? So if, in a marriage, a “Christian” man physically abuses his wife, is he really a Christian? What about in the case of emotional abuse, which in my opinion is just as harmful to the mind as physical abuse is to the body? Obviously, a liar, cheater, beater, or infidel is NOT a Christian, right? But what if he only hurt her once? What if he repented after, but then “fell” again a month later? Maybe God will change his heart, and he will become a Christian one day… Maybe if his wife would just persevere a bit longer…. Maybe, nothing!! Only God knows the heart and only He knows for sure who are His. Often I hear well-meaning Christians make judgment calls that cast burdens on the saved that are far too heavy to be borne… ones they couldn’t possibly bear themselves, if the shoe were only on the other foot.

We are to “judge righteous judgment” the best way we can: by knowing the Bible inside and out so that our hearts are set on the wisdom that is from above. When we live in obedience to Christ, we will see things far more clearly because we will be unencumbered by worldly wisdom.

“Worldly wisdom” causes us to make judgment calls that are based on probabilities. For example, we see a bad marriage and say that sooner or later, it will end. We see an emotionally weak woman and we say that sooner or later, she will break. We see a disobedient toddler and we say that sooner or later, she will rebel. Most often, we will be right. However; most often, people’s hearts are stubborn and they remain so. Most often, people seek their own way and not Christ’s. Most often, people resist God’s call toward truth and righteousness (“narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it”).

It is only a rarity that God will turn the heart of the disobedient toward Him. Rarely, an abusive husband will turn from his wicked ways to embrace the love of Christ. Rarely, a Christian marriage will survive infidelity. Rarely will someone truly and totally submit her will to God. This is why we are to forgive 70 times 7. God forbid that we offend one of God’s elect. None of those who rely on worldly wisdom are able to discern who God’s elect are, and in whose marriage they exist. Probabilities only work in the absence of God’s miraculous grace.

Biblical guidelines pertaining to marriage are the same as those that pertain to all Christians. To be a bona fide follower of Christ, a true Christian will cultivate a soft heart towards her spouse, pitying him the way Christ pitied her, loving him the way Christ loved her, giving herself in servitude to him the way Christ did for her. And so it should be on the part of the husband toward his wife, on the part of a parishioner toward her pastor, on the part of a sister toward her brother, etc. A soft heart, a kind word, and a gentle spirit go a long way towards the preservation of a tough marriage just as they go a long way toward the preservation of the church.

So, sunflower; you were looking for particulars. Most people who wish to be loosed from a marriage will find “justification” through one of the following exceptions, and claim that it applies to them. Be ever so careful who you believe. People lie, and only God can justify. All we can do to help those we know who are suffering in a troubled marriage is to remind them of their own duty to their spouse before Christ, which is to love one another as Christ has loved us. Here they are:

• A Christian is not permitted to marry an unbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14).
• A Christian wife may leave her husband if a) he is not saved (Ezra 10:11), or b) he is unfaithful (Matt. 5:32). Part A is permitted only if she became a Christian after she married him (2 Cor. 6:17); further, her “ignorance” nullifies her vow (Lev. 4, Num. 30:9).
• If a woman was a Christian when she married and thought that her husband was a Christian when he wasn’t, she is supposed to stay with him (thereby sanctifying him and their children if any) and pray for his salvation (because she can’t know if he will one day become a Christian or not). (1 Cor. 7:16).
• If a couple marries in the faith and their marriage dissolves (for mutual “irreconcilable differences” other than adultery), neither is permitted to remarry (Matt. 5:32).
• A Christian woman who is either widowed or “put away” (abandoned) by her husband (through no fault of her own) is permitted to remarry in the faith and is commanded to do so if she is under 60 years old (1 Cor. 7:15, 1 Timothy 5:14).
• It is best not to marry at all (if you can contain yourself, and are so gifted). (1 Cor. 7:37).
• Only the death of a husband can nullify any of the previous rules (Rom. 7:2).
• Do not murder your husband (I added this one because of the previous point just in case somebody was getting an idea!!)

My husband and I tell troubled married couples the same thing: focus on bringing your own heart under obedience to Christ. Meanwhile, wait patiently for God to change the heart of your spouse and be prepared to accept God’s sovereign will, no matter what the outcome. Many are called, but few are chosen.