Posted August 15, 2012

Can someone help me clarify?

I understand the significance of understanding what type of man we need in a husband. I’m a Visionary/Servant type and feel I need the steadiness and encouragement of a Priest to balance me out.

However, as help meets, it’s not about our needs. We’re the helpers; it’s our task to MEET needs. No man wants a needy wife. Yet, I see the importance of the kind of man we individually need to truly be a team that really works.

I’m starting to get it, but I’m sure there are others who have thought this out more than I have. So? 🙂


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  1. CJ

    I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking/wondering, could you please clarify? 🙂

    # August 15, 2012

  2. Evelyn

    I think it can be stated that yes, its not about our needs, but it is about the type of man that we would be best suited to help right off the bat based on our natural strengths, without major character changes. For example, go-to girls can be a great help meet to visionaries by gently encouraging them to stick to a task, or helping them complete their visions. Servant girls can be a blessing to kings by keeping the behind the scenes and the home life steady for them while they are leading the churches and etc.
    dreamers can make steady men proud of their accomplishments and bring excitement to their 9-5 lives! Any type of girl can be a help meet to any type of guy, but it may require changing on her part. When we say that we want/need a certain type of husband that really should just mean the automatic preference/who you would naturally help best, not that you wouldn’t consider other types.

    # August 15, 2012

  3. Kelsey Marie

    Maybe we’re ‘helpmeets’ but that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with marrying a guy you don’t like because he ‘needs’ you. You need things from a guy and the guy needs things from you. He needs your help as he works toward his goals. You need the security that a good man provides. So, just as it’s our task to meet his needs (support, respect, ect), the man has the task to meet the woman’s needs (security, love, ect). So I don’t think it’s just the woman’s task to meet needs, it’s the man’s task too. The needs are just different in men and women. But if the two work together selflessly, it’ll make for a good marriage.

    # August 17, 2012

  4. Katie G.

    I struggled with this awhile as well! I think we can get a little too focused on it sometimes.
    I am a Dreamer with some Servant, kind of quiet and cautious. Because of that, I always felt I should marry a King or Prophet. At the same time I knew that both of those types are more demanding and perhaps not so easy on people’s feelings… including mine. I hate it when people blow up at me or say something that hurts my pride! I don’t burst into tears, I’m not that dramatic… I just overflow. I’m getting better as I get older, but that’s still usually my response. I don’t want to, it just happens. So- while convincing myself a more commanding type would be better for me, I was still hoping for a priestly type. But I did know that ultimately, God and the guy would do the choosing.
    Well, not too long after I decided to quit worrying about it, the most wonderful young priestly-type man asked to court me. I liked this guy since I was nine! At first I said yes… and then I got worried and a week later. I asked him for a month to think it over. When the month was over, I told him the answer was still yes, even though I still had some doubts. Well, now, a year later, I know we are right for each other. Yes, we are both a little shy, cautious, and quiet. But there are plenty of differences to go around, and our similar personalities actually help us understand each other. I never would have thought that until I got to know him better… maybe taking a chance to some people, but that is life, and God knows what is going on.
    So don’t worry too much about types. God can work anything out for His glory… and our happiness!!!

    # August 20, 2012

    • Naomi

      Thanks for all your responses, ladies! My mind is kind of like a pendulum at times — it swings to one extreme to the other, so input helps me find balance. 🙂 Great answers!

      # August 23, 2012

  5. Shalom (Staff)

    I love this subject and hope to get on here and write some more on the subject. But for now I am going to just let you all know that I am going to be covering this subject at the shindig in TX. I have a quiz to figure out your types and then we will be discussing them. It will be so much fun. If you cannot come be sure to spread the word. This is a young peoples event, so get a bunch of you to ride together and come injoy the fellowship. Hope to see you there, Shalom

    # August 21, 2012

    • Emily Payne

      The shindig sounds so great… I am from Canada and therefore probably wont be able to make it though… I was wondering if the quiz could be made available after the conference?
      So enjoy this website and the Preparing book!

      # August 22, 2012

      • Katie G

        Could the quiz be posted here?? that would be wonderful!

        # August 31, 2012

  6. Faith T.

    I think the best response I could offer is to share my own experience.

    I am a dreamer type. My husband is a Visionary with a healthy dose of Command Man in him. I didn’t know all this when I married him, though. In hindsight, it was the dreamer/visionary in us that brought us together and made us feel we would be a good match. I think I would have been bored stiff if I had married a Steady man. I really enjoy the wild ride our life has been so far (11 years and counting!). We love dreaming dreams together, and I love watching, supporting and encouraging him in all his fun ideas & projects and new skills he like to learn. I feel so proud of him, that he is a skilled, creative and interesting man. In turn, he has also supported many of my own creative projects (where it has not taken away from my first priorities with home & family).

    If I had known what a Command Man was, I probably would have run the other way! Raised in a feminist culture and with a Dad who is definitely NOT a Command type, it has been a very big adjustment to learn to be a good help meet to my husband’s Command side. However, his strong leadership is just what I need. I am so headstrong and opinionated, I would have ended up walking all over some poor Mr. Steady until I read CTBHHM. I can tend to be pretty flighty and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, so he really helps me keep my priorities straight and not get in over my head with too many projects or outside commitments. Sometimes it still drives me crazy, but I am thankful to have a good, strong leader for our family. It is good to be able to rest and trust in his ability to lead and make the best decisions he can for us.

    I think, if you can handle meekly following the lead of a strong, bossy man and deal with alot of criticism/critiquing of the way you do things, you would do fine as a help meet to a Command Man.

    If you’re looking for a life with an unpredictable side and a bit of adventure, you’d do well supporting the dreams and visions of a Visionary Man. I would only caution that you choose very wisely the type of vision you will be following. e.g. My husband and I both have a heart for world missions. Other Visionaries might be inventors, musicians, street preachers, etc. Also be prepared for that vision to change at any time, and possibly several times throughout your marriage. Okay, better just be prepared for anything and everything!

    If you would prefer a quieter, steadier lifestyle without alot of “moving and shaking” you might do better with a Mr. Steady. As long as you can appreciate him for who he is and submit to his gentle leadership without bowling him over, you could make him an excellent help meet. You will also likely find plenty of time on your hands to fulfill some of your own creative projects.

    Most of all, PRAY ~ God will bring you the right man, at the right time.


    # September 1, 2012

  7. Caralee

    Okay, speaking from a married perspective and looking back….

    When I first read CTBAHM (a few years back), I found the types really beneficial for me in understanding how my husband thought and acted. So many things became clear and actually made me laugh as I finally understood my man. It also helped me understand other men in my life like other male family members and male friends. The other thing it did for me was help me learn to be a better wife by showing me where I was doing well already and where I needed to work on to be a much better helpmeet.

    The thing is I think the types are not to be used as a tool to screen for our most suitable husband…for Naomi is right when she says WE women are to be the HELP MEET to our men. It really is not about who we think we would be best suited to marry. For one servant girl may chose to marry a command man, another servant girl may marry a visionary man, and another a Mr. Steady, and they all have happy marriages….why? They each chose to understand their man and be the best wife to their husbands.

    I believe we should be using the “types” to give us insight into understanding men in general, and then to understand the man we choose to marry whomever he will be or are married to already. And knowing our own selves gives us insight into our own strengths and we can hinder or benefit our husbands.

    Now, let me say that a girl will have some sense of what type of man she would like to marry. When I was looking for a potential husband, I did have 10 specific character qualities I was looking for in my husband. In the top 4 of my list, I wanted a guy who was just like my dad (who I now figured out is primarily a MR. Steady I would say). Now, if you had met me then…, you would have thought I was a servant-dreamer girl. I thought the man I chose to marry was a Mr. Steady/Mr. Visionary type of guy. As I grew up (for we continue to mature afterwards), I ended up becoming a go to gal dreamer girl with some servant in me, but once God began to work on me and change me as a wife, my husband turned out all along to be primarily a Mr. Visionary/Mr. Command man.

    Interestingly, I have met alot of visionary men whom I know I would not have been able to marry. Their scatteredness and instability would have driven me crazy. BUT I did marry a Mr. Visionary (who is very stable where it counts). ANd I honestly am not sure I could have married a very commanding man, but my husband is definitely a command man, but in a much more gentle type of way. And ironically, he is also very stable and balanced where it counts and where I need it…so one could say he is all three (which I think all men are really to different degrees). So I guess what I am saying is …you may think you would be better suited to one particular type of guy listed in the book, but don’t necessarily rule out other types of guys, for I am learning that within each type of men, there are various shades of that type that you may or may not be suitable for. Also, as we mature, we grow and though we may have a dominant type that we remain to be, we can change into another type along the way.

    Honestly, as Debi Pearl mentioned in one of her articles, we are to be a multi colored girl for our man…which means we are to be all types to our man at any given moment. When our men need a go to gal, we are to be that woman at that time. When he needs a servant woman, we are to be able to serve in the capacity he is asking. And when he is in need of a dreamer girl, we are to be creative for him. We are to be prepared and able to adjust to our men as they are need of.

    And to some it up…frankly, I think we are all capable of being help meets to all types of men. It just ends up being a choice on our part to be the best help meet to the man who we chose to marry. And knowing his type (and our own), gives us insight and wisdom in how to be the best woman for our man we can be.

    # September 4, 2012

    • Katie G.

      Thank you Caralee! You worded that a lot better than I could!

      # September 10, 2012

    • Naomi

      Caralee, thank you! This is exactly along the lines I have been thinking and your personal insights have really clarified it for me.

      # September 11, 2012

  8. Evelyn

    Wow! there are certainly a lot of differing opinions on this! It is certainly making me think more about my own thoughts (Haha) and maybe even shifting them! Great job guys!

    # September 9, 2012