Hi, Go-to
Regardless of which persona (Go-to, Dreamer, or Servant) you’ve adopted out of necessity, all Christian women are called to cultivate a “meek and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4). A “meek” woman is not offended easily; she doesn’t take things personally. A “quiet” woman is calm and not easily flustered or angered. These traits are godly: “of the Spirit”. No amount of worldly wisdom or knowledge can supply them. They can only come from God. They are rooted in what Sara and other godly women of old did: they “trusted in God” (1 Peter 3:5). They knew that all things – from vengeance to judgment and mercy – are in God’s hands, and they trusted God to preserve them. They could not have done this unless they first submitted to God and determined in their hearts to trust and obey Him. You can do the same!

Your situation reminds me of the woman in 1 Peter 3 who is married to an ungodly man. Peter taught that despite the filthy things your husband says to you, you are to keep your conversation chaste and holy. You are to be unoffended and patient, suffering long, returning cruelty with kindness. You are to pray for him, being godly and holy in all your behavior. You are to rejoice over an opportunity to suffer unjustly, for in so doing, you will share in Jesus’ glory. All this is impossible without the strength that God gives to those who trust in Him to perform what they cannot.

By the way, “suffering wrongfully” does not include taking criminal abuse from your husband! You did the right thing by having him incarcerated for violence. The suffering Peter and Paul talk about, which is a Christian’s glory, is the persecution that godly Christians suffer at the hands of the unsaved and ungodly for the sake of the gospel and for the name of Christ. By suffering from your husband’s anger, distrust, or vile words, you are maintaining a godly witness when you refuse to return his anger in kind or defend yourself with an escalated anger of your own. A soft answer turns away wrath.

Go-to girls tend to struggle with being meek and quiet because they are a little on the feisty side! They are quickly impassioned to act, to speak, or to take control. These tendencies must be brought under obedience to Christ. When done in His service, they are a blessing. Otherwise, they are stumbling-blocks that lead to foolishness and strife. If you use your gifts for your husband’s good and not evil, for as long as you live, you will be praised as a woman of virtue (Prov. 31:12). If you are habitually impassioned in your own defense, your husband will constantly be on the attack. He needs to know that he’s in charge.

Please be clear that his anger problems are not your fault. However; you can affect them by controlling your response. He is accountable to God for them and will answer to Him. You are accountable for your own actions. The way you respond to his anger matters. You must be in subjection to him and obey him with kind words and gentle speech and thereby faithfully portray in your marriage the relationship between Christ and the church.

You mentioned that you don’t want to be weak and co-dependent. You misunderstand because you equate submission with weakness. This is not what the Bible teaches. A weak and co-dependent woman is one who is a slave to her own emotions – a slave to the world and to her flesh. A strong, Christian woman is submissive – she has given control of her life to her heavenly Father who gives her the kind of confidence and strength that far surpasses the counterfeit “strength” that the world tries to sell you under the satanic guise of “self-empowerment”. She has confessed her fallibility before Christ and handed Him the reigns of her life. God’s strength can therefore be made perfect in her weakness. Women are at their weakest when they think that they need to be in control.

Your marriage, when it is bad, is a trial. God promises that He will try us to see if our hearts are true to Him. If we endure and prove that our love for Him is unwavering, He will crown us with life (James 1:12). I know this is difficult, but please try to see future interactions with your husband as opportunities to practice a different response. Bring your thoughts under obedience to Christ by turning your defensiveness into meekness, your dominance into submission, and your anger into peace. God will see your labor of love and reward you. He will receive the glory, where it belongs. Remember to give it to Him.

One more thing: it is very important that once you belong to Christ, you throw away the “old man”. This includes the sins of the past, whether they be yours, your mother’s, or your husband’s. It is bad Freudian psychology to count past mistakes as excuses for present calamities. Forgive and forget. Remember that in Christ, your mind is renewed. You are a “new woman”. You are given the peace that passes understanding. Your life is hid in Him. You are sealed with the Holy Spirit, and counted worthy to enter the kingdom of heaven not on your own merit, but on Christ’s, who died for you. Remember His gift and what it emboldens you to do: it emboldens you to live a godly life, full of mercy and good works, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Live for Him. 🙂

Sorry this was so long. I hope it helps.