Posted May 16, 2013

I am a Go-To gal (with a little dreamer) that married a Command man with strong Visionary tendencies. After 8 years of marriage and 4 children, I feel like I am still preparing to be his help meet. It is a high passion relationship; good and bad. I have seen amazing transformations as a result of our marriage but he has also landed himself in jail for beating and choking me and destroying property (cars, the house) twice now. The cruel words are the worst by far. He will fill up my phone with hatred, names and threats. A background sentence about me; I grew up in a unbelieving home with a single mom who was selfish and dominant with the many men she had in and out. I’m positive this affected me negatively but as a result of being so insecure, I turned into a Go-To. Nobody was going to take care of me so I had to chart my own course. Because my husband can be so cruel, I have an even harder time trusting him. And when we get into these big fights, I will at times but not always “give it back” to him. What I really want is for our marriage to glorify God, as I have seen it do off and on when we are on track. What am I supposed to do? How can I change? In Mike’s book, he touched on this pair saying “and the battle for supremacy begins”. This is true. I feel like if I continually let him have the upper hand on me relationally, he will just walk all over me and I will be this weak, co-dependent wife that he wont even want anymore. Does that bear any truth? Admission; I want him to pursue me. What does that say about me? I know I’ve asked a lot of questions. Your family’s beliefs and advice are of very few I agree with. Do you have anything to say about G0-To and Command Man in particular or my marriage in particular?


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  1. swifttohear

    Hi, Go-to
    Regardless of which persona (Go-to, Dreamer, or Servant) you’ve adopted out of necessity, all Christian women are called to cultivate a “meek and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4). A “meek” woman is not offended easily; she doesn’t take things personally. A “quiet” woman is calm and not easily flustered or angered. These traits are godly: “of the Spirit”. No amount of worldly wisdom or knowledge can supply them. They can only come from God. They are rooted in what Sara and other godly women of old did: they “trusted in God” (1 Peter 3:5). They knew that all things – from vengeance to judgment and mercy – are in God’s hands, and they trusted God to preserve them. They could not have done this unless they first submitted to God and determined in their hearts to trust and obey Him. You can do the same!

    Your situation reminds me of the woman in 1 Peter 3 who is married to an ungodly man. Peter taught that despite the filthy things your husband says to you, you are to keep your conversation chaste and holy. You are to be unoffended and patient, suffering long, returning cruelty with kindness. You are to pray for him, being godly and holy in all your behavior. You are to rejoice over an opportunity to suffer unjustly, for in so doing, you will share in Jesus’ glory. All this is impossible without the strength that God gives to those who trust in Him to perform what they cannot.

    By the way, “suffering wrongfully” does not include taking criminal abuse from your husband! You did the right thing by having him incarcerated for violence. The suffering Peter and Paul talk about, which is a Christian’s glory, is the persecution that godly Christians suffer at the hands of the unsaved and ungodly for the sake of the gospel and for the name of Christ. By suffering from your husband’s anger, distrust, or vile words, you are maintaining a godly witness when you refuse to return his anger in kind or defend yourself with an escalated anger of your own. A soft answer turns away wrath.

    Go-to girls tend to struggle with being meek and quiet because they are a little on the feisty side! They are quickly impassioned to act, to speak, or to take control. These tendencies must be brought under obedience to Christ. When done in His service, they are a blessing. Otherwise, they are stumbling-blocks that lead to foolishness and strife. If you use your gifts for your husband’s good and not evil, for as long as you live, you will be praised as a woman of virtue (Prov. 31:12). If you are habitually impassioned in your own defense, your husband will constantly be on the attack. He needs to know that he’s in charge.

    Please be clear that his anger problems are not your fault. However; you can affect them by controlling your response. He is accountable to God for them and will answer to Him. You are accountable for your own actions. The way you respond to his anger matters. You must be in subjection to him and obey him with kind words and gentle speech and thereby faithfully portray in your marriage the relationship between Christ and the church.

    You mentioned that you don’t want to be weak and co-dependent. You misunderstand because you equate submission with weakness. This is not what the Bible teaches. A weak and co-dependent woman is one who is a slave to her own emotions – a slave to the world and to her flesh. A strong, Christian woman is submissive – she has given control of her life to her heavenly Father who gives her the kind of confidence and strength that far surpasses the counterfeit “strength” that the world tries to sell you under the satanic guise of “self-empowerment”. She has confessed her fallibility before Christ and handed Him the reigns of her life. God’s strength can therefore be made perfect in her weakness. Women are at their weakest when they think that they need to be in control.

    Your marriage, when it is bad, is a trial. God promises that He will try us to see if our hearts are true to Him. If we endure and prove that our love for Him is unwavering, He will crown us with life (James 1:12). I know this is difficult, but please try to see future interactions with your husband as opportunities to practice a different response. Bring your thoughts under obedience to Christ by turning your defensiveness into meekness, your dominance into submission, and your anger into peace. God will see your labor of love and reward you. He will receive the glory, where it belongs. Remember to give it to Him.

    One more thing: it is very important that once you belong to Christ, you throw away the “old man”. This includes the sins of the past, whether they be yours, your mother’s, or your husband’s. It is bad Freudian psychology to count past mistakes as excuses for present calamities. Forgive and forget. Remember that in Christ, your mind is renewed. You are a “new woman”. You are given the peace that passes understanding. Your life is hid in Him. You are sealed with the Holy Spirit, and counted worthy to enter the kingdom of heaven not on your own merit, but on Christ’s, who died for you. Remember His gift and what it emboldens you to do: it emboldens you to live a godly life, full of mercy and good works, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Live for Him. 🙂

    Sorry this was so long. I hope it helps.

    # May 17, 2013

  2. vdubmama - the author of this post.

    Thank you. I will take your response to heart and pray that God gives me the strength to put it into practice so that it becomes my nature.

    # May 22, 2013

  3. faithgrubb9a2faithgirl

    I’m not married but I live with two very command guys and I’m a hot red-head if you will, Go To. First it is our duty to ‘get walked on’ we were created to be. Second if you want him to pursue you be persuadable. Be the Hot single girl he fell in love with, cute outfits, pretty smile (this is a big-y guys LOVE joy) the works! I’m still single and ‘have time’ to primp and all as they say but I’m realizing (by watching my Mom too) the thing that ‘keeps him coming’ is just that, the primping you take to get ready for HIM! Lip stick RED that makes their blood pump, heals, curves, (Daddy’s told me what guys like and what not to wear when alone :P), flowing, frilly, airy, hair just down.

    Also a GREAT book (fully in coordination with the bible and an easy read) is a book named “Home-Making” by Rev. J. R. Miller D. D. It has practical ways you can make the ebb and flow of home joyful! There’s the couple’s part, the husband’s (a note from my Mama don’t give it to your husband), the wife’s part, the children’s part and brother-sister relations etc!

    As I said I’m not married but I’ve seen too many marriages go to pot, because of a simple, single argument. DON’T ever give up the marriage and pray and pray and pray for wisdom, understanding, etc for yourself and for your guy! He’s your best buddy and you will end spend the rest of your lives together. From my single standpoint PERSEVERE! I’m jealous of even you because you are married and have children and I know hardship (abuse other) but you really don’t have it that bad.

    Another Q you asked should you ‘give it back’? NOOO I know how good it feels to do it but satan is trying soo hard to tear apart your lives especially with your background in mind satan’s over there mad that God took even you with such a hard background and so satan is doing all he can to ruin the work you have done with God. And realize (I had to) I CAN’T shut up when I REALLY want to pitch my fit and scratch eyes like a cat at my command brother. No I can’t stop but if I tell God in my head in the heat of it “I’m gonna kill him, please forgive him for me in Jesus’ Name.” IT WORKS!! He gives us a simple thought of “He’s probably just real hungry.” SOOO SIMPLE satan blows up trivialities and oft time creates rifts that are never mended that lead straight to divorce. Don’t go there, its too painful I hear.

    Hope you get something outta all that 🙂 And I will be praying for you.

    His Baby,
    Faith E. Grubb

    # May 25, 2013

  4. faitht

    Oh, I hear ya… I was also raised at times by my single mom with those same domineering tendencies, and at other times by my sweet, laidback Dad and his domineering wife. Not to mention being steeped since birth in the current feminist culture! I was given CTBHHM after being married for about 4 years. We have now been married 12 years, and I think I am finally now really getting it. It just takes so much prayer, patience and practice, practice, practice to change those old ways, form new habits, renew your mind and be transformed into a truly good help meet. My husband and I have also had many big, wild fights, although he has never been violent toward me. And I do know it can make you feel like a doormat to respond in love and kindness to a man who really doesn’t deserve it at that moment. But, we do it all to honor Jesus. Please reread CTOBHHM and PTBAHM and don’t give up!!

    # July 3, 2013