Posted March 26, 2013
There is a family that goes to our church that has 8 young men. The four oldest are married. I’d just begun college after being homeschooled through high school when we started attending this church.
I started out a little boy crazy in college, since I’d ha hardly any interaction with them since I was 12. Nobody would have known, though, because I kept my thoughts to myself. Shortly after attending the church, the mother of these boys asked me to teach her youngest son and only daughter piano lessons. I went to their house every Saturday and would frequently stay to play games and eat supper with them.
Before I knew them well, I thought I liked one of the sons who was very much a command man type. Now that I really know him, I laugh that I ever entertained thoughts of us being together! This whole time, though, there was one, I’ll call David, who I never even considered because I thought he was too handsome and quiet and probably interested in the pretty veterinarians daughter he worked with. Because of this dismissal, I have hardly any memory of him during all my visits to that family!
Then one day I found out that instead of leaving town for college, he would stay here. After that, I’m going to leave out a lot of detail and summarize that I found out he has a definite interest in me (I’m still very surprised) and I really like and respect his personality and character. He’s a rare young man that remains steadfast in integrity even when those in authority give him permission to do otherwise.
The part of all this that causes me worry is that his cousin and I are very close friends and is the catalyst for a lot of my current situation with David. She is also courting his best friend. So… It has happened gradually, but through my friend and much speculation from everybody, and also interest shown on his part to his family, everybody knows we like each other. His parents must suspect, and I know they approve of me, but they would not approve of the timing and we are years away from being able to act on anything.
How do I have patience? Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I never even noticed him. At least then I felt free to be myself and not like every word or action to him is being weighed and analyzed by family and friends. The thought of this lasting for years is daunting. How do I achieve peace in the midst of this? I understand The Lord gives it, but what can I do to control my own thoughts as well? It does not seem like He will give me peace if I am constantly allowing myself to think on this. So, on that note (a very long note), what attitude should I have toward this young man in this long and intense waiting period? I see him so regularly, it is hard to just not think of him.
Also, a last important note: in one year, when I graduate, I will spend a year teaching overseas. So basically I need to last til then. Haha! I have no clue what is actually in store for my future, and perhaps I already know the answer to this question, but sometimes I need to hear/see other people say it.
Thank you so much!
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Hahaha, isn’t life and love so full of paradox at times? So simple and so complex all at once. While I don’t have any specific answer for you, I do understand what you are going through! I’m in a somewhat similar situation now where I am really drawn to a young man I have known my whole life, but never considered until he became sold-out to the Lord – in his own quite, steady-man way. He is a little younger than I am, so I am definitely playing the waiting game ( not said ” irreverently or lightly! ) to see how things turn out and if he will one day return my admiration.
I have another friend in just about the same situation as you, a mutual attraction that is being put through the gauntlet of friends and family while they wait for the time when they can be together. What she and I are both finding, is that you just have to continually surrender it to the Lord. Worry, impatience, and frustration are always around to try and shake us. Those things are not of God, and while any one man may or may not be for us, we do have a job to pray for them in a non-partial way regardless – and even more so when there is an attraction. Keep this in mind as well: when you seem to be lacking patience is when God is trying to teach patience. That is SO HARD! 😀 I certainly am struggling with it! However, God will never give us more than we can bear. Even beyond that ( and this is something I am struggling with too ) you have to not think of it as one year or two or three or however many years until ” something happens “. Take it one day at a time. 🙂 Pops the stress and anxiety right there. Taking it one day at a time is so much easier than thinking of way off into the future. So hang in there. 🙂 The more you give it to God, the greater peace you will achieve, because He is our Peace. 🙂 Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. Be strong!
Love in the Lord,
Omi18
I personally don’t have a lot of experience with this situation, but here’s my two cents:
What you are referring to is help in “taking every thought captive” as Paul suggests in 2 Cor 10:5: “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”.
I have a tendency to try to fix other people’s problems by rehearsing what *I think* they need to hear. This can become a really destructive habit (leading to very “stinking thinking”) and so I have been trying to form a new habit–whenever I think about what I think I need to say to someone, I turn it into prayer for them, for their well-being, and for my relationship with him/her.
I would suggest you do the same with your young man. This is not easy! I have been trying to make this a consistent habit for some time, and I don’t always succeed. My mind will wander, and I’m right back to trying to organize someone’s life. However, write down this verse or a similar verse that speaks to you (time to haul out that Concordance!) and keep the verse with you. Your mind WILL wander back to your man, and often. That’s normal, and it’s okay. However, the direction of your thoughts about him are important. Rather than wondering what life will be like with him “someday,” pray for where he is right now. Pray for his physical, emotional, and (especially) his spiritual health and relationship with Jesus Christ. Instead of thinking of ways to become a good wife for this man, ask Jesus to shape your heart into a good woman of God, who will be a good wife to the man that He wishes for you. Instead of wondering what kind of husband he will be, ask God to give him the strength to follow Christ and to have a heart turned toward his family. Prayer should ALWAYS be the first step.
Second, stay busy! Just after I married my husband, he was deployed for a year. For the first six months, I was miserable and useless. I stayed in the house and did not accomplish much. Then I met a lady who became my mentor and began to teach me homemaking skills, like baking bread, spinning, knitting, cleaning house, etc. The more I learned and the busier I stayed, the less distracted I was by missing my man and wondering what life would be like when he returned.
I know this is a difficult time. My little brother is head-over-heels for a young girl he met two years ago, when he was only thirteen, and he is still crazy for her. The thought of waiting another 3 years for her to graduate and be old enough to consider marriage frustrates him beyond words–so be glad that you aren’t that far off!
Wishing and hoping and wondering, constantly dreaming… these are not good ways to pass the time (I’m preaching this at myself right now too). You will not grow in knowledge or in your relationship with Christ by living in Someday-Land. Stay in prayer, ask others to pray for you (I will) and stay busy–especially being physically active. Work all day so you’ll sleep soundly at night.
You say you will graduate in a year, and then leave for a year, and that this courtship must necessarily be many years long. Personally, I’m not a big fan of long courtships. If you are nearly ready to graduate, why does your marriage need to be many years down the road? If that is the desire of this young man’s heart, then so be it. If not, is there any reason that he cannot join you in serving the Lord? Just a thought!
Good luck and get ready for whatever the Lord has in store for you!
I’ve read a book recently (that I’m actually reading again for the second time because there’s SO much good information) that sounds a lot like your situation. A guy see’s a girl he likes and is impressed with, she likes him and is equally impressed with him (impressed by each other’s spiritual nearness to our creator), but have to spend a season of waiting. And what makes it even harder (but so much more beautiful if you think about it) is that they have to spend that time of waiting without TOUCHING one another. “What? Why?” I know this is probably what you’re thinking. At least it would be what I would be thinking if I were you. But to find out why, you’ll just have to read the book 🙂 It’s called The Challenge by Carolyn (A Time For Every Purpose series). It’s well worth the read, I guarantee it. Happy reading 🙂 Hope it helps!
I am reminded of the verse in Corinthians that says we who are unmarried care for the things of the Lord. So get busy with a project, go on a mission trip, do something where you don’t have TIME to think about him! 🙂 It’s hard, I know. I’ve been in a similar situation– my relatives were excited to hear that a young man was interested in me, and they would ask me about him often. I had to consciously turn my thoughts “do the next thing”, as Elisabeth Elliot says!