Posted April 25, 2013

My brother has been dating a Christian girl for about 4 months. She’s nice enough but their relationship concerns me because of their lack of foresight and willingness to seek counsel and wisdom from others, specifically from godly adults. They are very concerend about being a “couple” and are the most akaward people to be around right now. They hold hands all the time, are always touching and sitting very close, and always isolate themselves in group settings to wisper and talk. Their relationship seems very shallow and it concerns me because marriage is a very serious thing.

My family has gone through some struggles and my brother has been hurt but is using it as an excuse for rebellion. He is not teachable at all and does not really agree with my parents on many things. I have always been seen as the goody two shoes because I shared my parents convictions. My brother and I had been fairly close for a while but then he started dating this girl and both of them kind of abandoned all other friendships to be a couple.

My brother does not really seem to like me lately and I feel like they think I’m judging them all the time. After my harsh words above, you might think I am too but I have not shared these things above with anyone else. I have always analyzed people’s charater to gather wisdom for my own life. I am not mad at my brother or this girl at all, maybe somewhat sad that they are not holding out for better things. I always try to be nice and sweet but they really seem to not like me. They last time I saw them they thoughtlessly said some very hurtful things that I feel show their true feelings towards me.

I think my brother is upset at me because he knows what my convictions are. In fact, I have not said or done anything that should give offense. I have really tried to remember if I have and have even asked my parents if I might have done something.

So, my question I guess, does anyone have any wisdom to share with me about how to interact with them? How can I be a good friend and encouragement to them. I am not willing to surrender my convictions but I want to be kind. Maybe someone else has gone through something similar and can somehow understand what I’m trying to ask. Sorry this post is so confusing!


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  1. swifttohear

    Hi, Sunflower
    Your concern for your brother sounds genuine and good. It’s obvious that you care and are trying to be godly about the way you express yourself. The problem is that you’re making it about you when it’s not. According to the way you describe him, not only is he not somebody you can confront right now, but he is also emotionally unavailable to you. He is experiencing what is typical about the early stages of “falling-in-love”. As far as he is concerned, no one but he and his girlfriend exist. This is not a slight against you. It’s not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. It’s about “the couple”. They are doing what 1 Cor. 7 says couples do: getting thoroughly distracted by one another!

    The best thing you can do is give them their space. If you like, approach him when he’s alone, tell him you miss him, and ask him if he’ll spend some time with you. When you’re alone with him, say nothing at all about your concerns. Just have a good time and renew your friendship on godly terms. I hope this helps you, Sunflower! Try not to worry!

    # May 8, 2013

    • sunflower

      Thanks Swifttohear! About a week after I typed this God kind of confronted me about the feelings of ‘hurt’ I was harboring and helped me to let go of that. I am very much a servant personality so if something is wrong in a relationship I feel like it is my fault and my responsibility to make it right. Like you said, its not about me, and God is helping me to grow in this area and to care less about other’s opionions of me.
      That aside, it is really hard to see them making bad choices but I can’t live their lives for them. I pray for them that God would help them maintian purity and give them direction.
      Thanks so much for your words Swifttohear. I always appreciate your feedback on here and missed you when you were gone for awhile. 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to encourage me.
      Praying and learning not to worry,

      # May 10, 2013

      • swifttohear

        Dearest Sunflower,
        Thank you so much for being grateful! It is such an admirable exercise in humility to receive instruction, correction, or even rebuke at the “hands” of a complete stranger. It is proof of your heavenly citizenship. I’m glad the Lord, in His grace, worked through His Spirit to give you the truth. The children of God receive His chastisement as true sons and daughters because they know it is an exercise of His love (Heb. 12:6-8, 1 Cor. 11:32) to teach us righteousness (Is. 26:9), and to make us vessels unto honour, fit for service (2 Tim. 2:21). And yet so few of us have “resisted unto blood, striving against sin” (Heb. 12:4). Only in America have we elevated our egos to such heights that vanity has nullified our ability to “walk circumspectly” (Eph. 5:15) or to “judge ourselves” (1 Cor. 11:31) based on the Word and Will of God. I grieve for this country and its sensibilities that are so fraught with fragility.

        Jesus, the corner stone, said “And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder” (Mt. 21:44). I, for one, would much rather fall on Christ, prostrating myself in submission to Him, suffering the wounds of His correction, than to suffer His wrath as a “bastard” and not a true daughter. If I were not a true daughter, I would be ground into powder. That I fear far more than the pain of His chastisement.

        While in other parts of the world martyrs are bleeding and dying for their faith, in North America, we call it “tribulation” to receive a verbal correction. Sometimes I wish blood upon us so that we would no longer be lukewarm (Rev. 3:16), but bold unto death (Phil. 1:20). And yet I fear that the day of “fiery trial” (1 Pet. 4:12) will come all too quickly. Will I be able to stand, having done all? Will you?

        # May 13, 2013

  2. melodymichelle

    Hello sunflower! I just wanted to add that my sister married last year, and her courtship went fast– they married within five months of ‘meeting’ each other… he contacted her on facebook after we’d met his family three years prior. Most of their courtship was via telephone and email (except for when he came for a week and then she visited his family for 2 weeks), which concerned us and we wanted to be more involved as a family. (She did make their emails public to our parents for the first few weeks.)
    Within three months of their courting she knew he was the man for her, but we were still not sure. Some things about his character concerned us. Moreover, when they were together in person they (of course) were very defensive of their being a ‘couple’ and did not want much, if any, advice from anyone else, including parents. All this to say that they married, and as we have gotten to know him better and seen them build their life together, we can see that this marriage is blessed. It was rocky between us leading up to the marriage and for several months after (because he didn’t like ANY family involvement in courtship), but it has gotten a LOT better. I don’t think he will ever agree with us about some things, but we’ve agreed to disagree. What I have learned through this is, it doesn’t matter about anything else about the guy except that he is sold out to the Lord and looks to Him first.

    Pray that God gives them wisdom… I was praying like mad throughout my sister’s courtship!! God will give your brother wisdom and separate them if this is not to be.

    # May 12, 2013

  3. blackwhitedenim

    When many of my friends started dating/courting, I felt the same way but for me it was mostly jealousy. I knew it, but it felt better and more christian to say I was ‘concerned for their purity’ and all that. It bothered me that I was second fiddle- by a long shot- and I felt like they had abandoned me. It was like they were their own little island.

    On the flip side, it’s really hard on a couple to act like “just friends”. My boyfriend and I did this the first few months of our relationship because I was worried about jealousy from the other girls (typical Christian group- a lot of single girls to few single guys). They knew we were a couple, but still I tried to spend most of my time at group gatherings talking to them and not my boyfriend. It was really hard, especially at first when he would spend most of his time talking to the guys and I would doubt if he even liked me or not. He felt the same way.

    I know it’s hard but I think the best thing you can do is, like Swift said, give them space. Eventually things will settle down.

    # May 16, 2013