I’v always been worried about what to do or say, when someday (maybe soon) a good Godly Christian guy comes to my father and asks permission for him to court me… what I’m scared about is, what if I don’t want to ever marry him just because I don’t believe some of the same things that he believes or because he has annoying character straights. I know quite a few good Christian guys that I think are a bit interested in me, but I really don’t want anything more than a friendship with them. Some of them just have character qualities that I don’t think that i could handle. How do you say no, without it being embarrassing, awkward etc… and still be just friends with them?
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Being a good help meet starts long before marriage. It is a mindset, a learned habit, a way of life established as a young unmarried girl—or at least that’s the way it should be. Nearly every wife will confess that the first year or two of married life was—how shall I say it—a frustrating learning experience.
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Try visiting this thread:
https://nogreaterjoy.org/blogs/preparingtobeahelpmeet/what-do-you-say-when-your-not-interested-2/#comments
Here’s my answer from there:
In the book titled “Of Knights and Fair Maidens” by Jeff and Danielle Myers, they give some helpful sentences for what to say when someone asks you “out:”
“I’m really honored that you would ask me, but since I’m only young once, I’ve decided to try and spend my time with a lot of people, rather than go out on dates one-one-one. Would you like to come along with my other friends and ________?”
“Thank you for asking, but you know, I’m really close to my family, and I would prefer that you spend some time with my father and my family as a way of getting to know you better.”
“I appreciate your asking. It sounds like fun. But I’m not ready to spend time with just one person. Can we get a whole group together to do it?”
‘Wow, that really sounds good. But I’ve already got plans that evening to spend time with my family. Would you like to come along? We’re going to ________.”
“You know, what I really like to do before spending time with someone is have them get to know my father. Why don’t you come over? He’s a really great guy.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that. But I do have plans to take a group of my friends downtown to _________. Would you like to come?”
“Thank you for asking, but I’ve decided not to date one-on-one until I’m more ready to get married. I’d still like to spend time with you, though. Would you be interested in joining our youth group? We like to do things together as a group.”
A note about the last one: I don’t really agree with this one because it says “I’ve decided not to date one-on-one until I’m more ready to get married.” Personally, I would never date one-on-one, even when I’m ready to get married! I would always do things with a group or my family or his family. Also I don’t believe in youth groups. 😕 But I included it because it may be helpful to someone else.
Here’s one I came up with: 😉
“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to talk to my dad first before anything. If he feels it’s right for us to start a relationship, we can do things in a group setting. If he feels it’s not right, then I’m sorry but I will have to go along with his wishes.”
I should say I don’t believe in modern youth groups MOST of the time. 😛
Hi Anna Joy,
I know what it feels like, so I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned.
I used to worry about that as well, so the thing I’d like to say first is Don’t Worry.
I am blessed to have walked through a situation like that, and come out on the other side still being friends, (though distanced a bit, and even more so now that he is married) and it isn’t really awkward at all.
Here are the things I found helped me:
1. Your answer has to be clear.
2. You need to be truthful in your response. They’re looking for more than a “no” – Guys need to know WHY. For me, I had to tell him that his lifestyle/convictions were not something that I could feel comfortable jumping into. That was all that he needed. Thankfully he had guarded his heart, and I hadn’t let things develop at all, so it ended there.
3. Tell him that you value his friendship, and would like for it to continue, if he is willing. The key is in him being willing. He may not want to continue a friendship with you, and you have to be willing to sacrifice that.
4. It is only as awkward as you make it. This is the biggest thing. If you are thinking “This is AWKWARD!”, it will be. The more un-awkward you are, the easier it will be for him. Avoiding him as much as possible won’t help things at all. Be sure to say hello when you come across him. Ask about his family or something else that is easy for him to talk about.
5. Don’t expect things to return to “normal”. Things won’t be. He is going to lose interest in you, and he is going to find someone else to marry. That is the way it is supposed to be.
And here are some things for you to think about:
Don’t encourage anyone that you know you will just end up saying no to. It is often a temptation for a girl to rope a guy in, even if she knows she’ll say no. This will hurt both of you, and it isn’t pleasing to the Lord.
Be humble through it all. Examine your heart, and ask the Lord to reveal anything to you that you need to change in. The Lord can use something like this in a very powerful way in your life.
My dad was the one to do all the communicating. For me, this was very helpful. I never saw my friend’s reaction, which I am sure helped me. My dad just told me that my friend understood, and that he was going to consider it the final answer.
Prepare yourself for the time when he does chose a wife. Even though I had complete peace about my decision, it still hurt a little when I saw him find another woman to be his wife. I don’t exactly know why, but I’ve traced most of it to the fact that I’m single. I don’t have anyone in my life at this point. But the Lord uses this as well – God want’s to be first in our lives, and I need to trust him that in due time He will provide the one for me.
And last of all, don’t worry about the future. I’ve worried about guys that have never been interested in me at all, and I feel silly when they get engaged or married. And if you do lose a friend through a “no”, then trust God.
I hope this helps you!
The one nice thing about a guy asking your dad’s permission to court you is that you can have your dad send back your reply. Just tell the fellow that you do see good qualities in his life – if you do (because you don’t want to pop his bubble and discourage him too much), but that you just want to continue being friends. If you are interested in the guy – even a itty bit – pray about it before giving an answer in the negative; you never know what could happen. 🙂
As a side note on that, I always think it’s best that a couple get to know each other well as friends before they start courtship if possible. So like if you’re just a little interested, you could stay with friendship for a while before you think about agreeing to courtship. For me, there were guys that I met as friends of my brother that I had casual friendships with. But within a single conversation sitting at the dinner table, I knew I didn’t agree with them enough to marry them. However when I met my guy, we were friends first, and then courtship was so right and obvious.
One other thing “worry doesn’t take the problem out of tomorrow, it just takes the joy out of today.” Don’t worry about what might happen. Trust God – He holds all of your tomorrows.
Blessings on the journey – enjoy every moment!