Question

Posted February 26, 2014

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. He is definitely a visionary with some steady. Though we have a good marriage, I have felt like ever since we got married, he’s been trying to change me. When we first married I had looong hair and only wore skirts/dresses. Six months later he asked me to cut my hair to my shoulders and start wearing pants. He was into bicycle racing and felt I would “fit in” better if I made these changes, so I did. Two weeks later he decided he wanted my hair long again, but still wanted me to wear pants. Later he didn’t want me to wear brown for a while….then a few years later, after we became friends with some Mennonites, he decided I should only wear skirts/dresses again and not wear makeup, jewelry or nail polish. Now that we’re moved away from them, he is fine with me wearing some makeup and pants around the farm or woodcutting and stuff like that. I don’t know how many times he has had me go thru my clothes and get rid of things just because he didn’t like the color/pattern even if it was modest. Also he used to buy me jewelry and he even painted my toenails when I was super pregnant (before all these changes), and would always compliment me on the way I looked when I dressed up for him. Now he never complimentsĀ  me and he says he’s always hated nail polish and jewelry.

OK so now that our oldest daughter is 5, she’s been asking to paint her nails, so my husband told me that if it’s something I like, then we can do it, but he doesn’t care for it. So what do I do? Is it ok to do things that I enjoy even if he doesn’t care for it? I want to submit, but I feel so confused and unsure of myself. I’ve always loved dressing up for him and now I feel like he doesn’t even see/notice me unless I’m naked (which we have great intimacy). I have brought this up to him but he gets upset and offended and treats me like I’m being unreasonable or something. Anyway, I would just like advice on this and how to encourage my husband to just be stable in our beliefs and stop changing the rules whenever we’re around different people. Thank you for any advice!

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  1. Shalom (Staff)

    Well, you are married to a visionary for sure! My husband is a visionary himself, I tell him he has a six week cycle. Ever six weeks we are on to a new thing! It is our job as wives to help them stay on the ground at times. Not to control them, but talk things out and see why they think this way or that. To let them hear for themselves what they are saying by repeating it and talking about it. Visionary guys are normally black and white. If he does not say no about fingernail polish than he most likely does not care. And you would not be rebelling. But if your husband was a steady type and he frowned when you said “can I wear this,” than don’t wear it! The thing you need to do the most is be on his side in regard to the kids. Never let them think you are not on the same page. Can you ask him why he does not like something. My Dad did not like bangs and he did not like earings, still does not like them, though my mom wanted both. It was not a religious thing, he just did not like them, so growing up we never got them. We all wanted to please Daddy including mom. It was not a matter of we have to do this, but a matter of, we wanted to. Learn to please your husband because you want to! Shalom

    # March 4, 2014