Hi Everybody,
I am the lucky brand-new girlfriend of a Mr. Steady (with a little Command). I am a Dreamer/Servant type. He is 26, I’m 21 and neither of us has been in a relationship before. I want to get this started off right and I was wondering if any of you (especially those married/courting Steady men) have tips or advice to share.
I think my biggest question is when/if I am supposed to take control. He is a typical Steady in that he REALLY wants me to be my own person and develop my own hobbies and interests. I asked him what he expected from me and he said 1)be myself and 2) not let him ‘run over’ me. That’s it. He also wants me to tell him what I want/need because he is “clueless”. This seems too easy.
He is very generous and willing to please. I know he likes to be ‘needed’, but I don’t want to take advantage of him either. I see this too much in my parents’ marriage and am wondering where the line is so I can avoid crossing it.
Also, is it okay for me to plan dates? Or should I just tell him I would like to spend more time with him and let him come up with something? I think he would like it if I took some initiative, but I don’t want to take over either. One of my goals before we started dating was that he would be the one to pursue me. And he did- after I unintentionally let him know that I liked him. A mutual friend, knowing my boyfriend’s ‘clueless’ tendancies, said “So when he asked you out, did you write the script for him to read or something?” It was pretty close to the truth. Is there a way to tell him what I want (because that’s what he wants me to do?) and still not take control of the relationship?
Thanks.
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Great combination types! You sound very happy. My husband is a steady/visionary and I am a steady/go-to-girl When I lived at home and when I first got married I was mostly all steady but my husband being a steady type has pushed me to step up to a more go-to-girl type. And my serving heart to him has caused him to be more of a visionary/king. I love the fact that God has put two together to become one and in so doing we become more like Christ displaying all of Gods personalities, {Prophet Priest and King.} So cool!
Here are a few tips I have learned being married to a steady type guy for ten years.
1. Have a life of your own that is worthwhile, something they can be proud of you about. Do not just sit around. Find something that makes a difference. I teach Bible studies, Work with Human trafficking relief, Home school my kids, run my husband’s business, Write for NGJ, and my husband is always proud of me.
2. My husband loves it when I take initiative and get things done. I did not take the initiative near as much when I first got married waiting for him to tell me what he wanted done. My Dad is all King! But the longer I was married I realized that when I just saw what needed to be done and did it and organized others to get things done, he would be proud of me and I was bringing him joy.
3. Be prepared for him to tell you, “We are helping so and so tomorrow.”
4. My husband rarely will tell me “do this, do that” but he will want things done so I had to learn and listen to not only his words but his actions to know what he wanted so that I could meet those needs otherwise he will just do them himself. When we first got married I would go to work with him some times and he would be under a car working on it and need a tool and instead of asking me to get it he would come out from under the car to get it himself. No matter how many times I ask him to let me help he never would ask me. I learned his tools and watch him and when I saw what he needed I would run and get it for him, soon he was letting me help and then started asking me for help. I got him!
5. And if I feel like I want to go out on a date, I plan it and tell him the date! I told him just this morning lets go out on this date his response was “Great that sound like fun! Controlling him would be me wanting to go out on a date and instead of letting him know that feeling sorry for myself that he is not asking. Getting mad at him tell he notice and ask you what is wrong. He then feels like he has to take you even though you do not like him and are mad at him.
Have fun getting to know you man! Shalom
I am in a similar situation! I’ve found myself trying to find out what my Mr. Steady wants from me, and most of the time it turns out he doesn’t want anything; he’s just happy to be around me and talk! 🙂 I have said the exact same thing to myself as you did; this seems too easy! 🙂 I am learning to relax and watch him closely to try to anticipate needs. I also have the question about control, because it’s so different from my Visionary dad. I think if your guy is happy with what you’re doing, then you’re not taking control. Thanks so much for sharing your experience! And Shalom, thanks for the GREAT tips!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! I just want to say that it sounds like you are one lucky girl…like me! I have been courted by the most wonderful (to me…obviously, not to you), Steady man whom I’ve liked since I was ten, for over a year and a half now. It is great 🙂
Shalom’s advice sounds great. Thanks for that, Shalom!! Especially the last part. “Controlling him would be me wanting to go out on a date and instead of letting him know that feeling sorry for myself that he is not asking.” I never thought of it that way, but it certainly does work better when I suggest things to him that I know we both would like, than when I sulk about something he’s not doing, thinking all the while that by not mentioning it, I am being “submissive”. IT’S NOT TRUE!! Generally, I’ve discovered that if I suggest spending more time together, doing something together, he latches right on to the idea, and I always think, now why didnt I say something sooner?!
Of course, every now and then he won’t think your idea is good, or will work, for some reason… that’s when being submissive comes in. Just say OK and if applicable, come up with another idea, or just let things work themselves out, and just enjoy life!