For starters—-divorce is NOT an option for you; you have no Biblical grounds at all. I also wonder “Do you love your husband?” Regardless of your reasons you chose to marry him. Does he love you? I’m guessing he does. If you honestly have no love for him, then ask God to give it to you. You said he was a great Christian guy;many women do not have that in a husband but would love to. Make a list of things and qualities in your man to be thankful for and admire and verbalize these to God and to him.
Sex is an intricate part of marriage and while we are to stay pure before marriage, it is an exciting thing to look forward to with the one we have pledged our lives to. We should be prepared for it and once we are married enjoy it! Maybe if you were to lose him in some way-God forbid- you would realize just how much you need and love and want him.
As to single girls on this forum, you are not doing any man a service by marry a man under the guise of “it’s God’s will” without loving him. It may sound spiritual but in the end it is doing a disservice to him. He deserves to be loved as much as you want to be.
And as an added thought, there have been millions of women forced to marry men they did not even know yet they grew to love them eventually. They became in time good wives who honored, obeyed, and loved their men. And if by same strange chance one never grew to love and enjoy their husbands, it does not change the fact that he IS your husband and divorce does not enter the equation.

Dear Jas,

I’m very sorry about your situation – truly – and want to offer you some advice.

The first point is that God does work ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. He allowed this to happen, and it IS for your good. At times it is difficult to see His purpose in our trials and pain, but it is there and will come to pass (God has let some seemingly horrible things happen to me, but they have defyed my predicitons and turned out wonderful).

Second, when we marry, we marry “for better or for worse.” That means that we will remain married to them even if it is bad, we are unhappy, and wish we had not made the choice to marry them in the first place. God views marriage as of great importance, and divorce is only allowed in the case of your spouse’s sexual infidelity.

Third, marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church. Remember before you became a Christian? You may not have fully realized it, but you were in complete rebellion against God. The intimate relationship He wants with us was repulsive to you. But once you accepted His call, it became wonderful. Picture this as your relationship with Christ. When there are problems, and you feel like your life is spiritually dry, do you just say, “Forget about God. I give up. I’m not going to subject myself to living for Him now. Goodbye, Christianity!”? Instead, you have to confess this to God, press into Him and draw from Him your satisfaction. Likewise in your marriage: seek your husband. Seek out his attributes. Sacrifice yourself to serve Him. It may be wise to tell him your struggles. He is supposed to be your closest friend.

That brings up my fourth point. Confide in him. When you share your feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. with someone, you become attached to them. Ask him how God is working through his life. Tell him what you’ve been learning recently. Purposefully show him your heart. Let him be your closest friend and confidant, and you will start to love him.

Finally, don’t seek your own good in this relationship. Agape love, the love that God wishes us to emulate, is a serving love. It is the choice to set aside your own interests and serve others. This includes your husband. Yes, it is difficult sometimes. But it will be a source of joy. Don’t dwell on what a hard life you have. Consider how much better it is to have a husband who seeks the Lord instead of someone who you are sexually attracted to who is a drug, alchohol and porn addict. And draw your satisfaction from God alone, not from your relationship with your husband. Without being completely abandoned to God, nothing will truly satisfy you. There will always be something lacking. A friend of mine recently got married, and said that it was super exciting for the first little bit, but then there was the next thing on her list: kids. For a bit, it was disappointing that she was unable to have any at the time. Then she realized that she was looking to children to be her satisfaction. When she refocused on God, contentment was a lot easier! It is sometimes really difficult to conciously focus on God for our fulfillment, but He is worthy. He holds the universe in His hands and delights in giving good gifts to His children. I will pray for you! God bless you!

If you say you married him for his heart, not his looks, why is everything so different now? Did you really marry him for his heart? He is probably lacking in his personality, and apparently his looks, but your positive, loving attitude can help him to love you like a Queen. If you think that you are going to get divorced and happily find another exciting sexual partner…think again…you’ll probably just find another used jerk who will be a big bore and pain after 4 years. Are you so sexy and attractive that you are too good for him? If I man turns down a woman because he thinks she is ugly than he is a cruel man. If a woman turns down a man because his looks, than she is a victim of his ugliness, please, you are better than that falseness. You suffer because you have a bitter and uncaring heart. Make yourself super sexy before lovemaking, think about it during the day, get ready to get excited! I bet you are really a great lady, and have just gotten yourself into a rut. Woman up, and have some fun. Kiss him all over, learn a sexy dance for him. You get him excited by showing him you are GENUINELY excited and he will show you a better time in the bedroom and throughout life. Point proven, ever seen a movie with a not so attractive male lead, but his personality and story make him irresistible? It is not the physical appearance, it is the soul. You need to have a sweet personality for others around you to have one too.

There is some part of your thought life that is not submitted to God. Read Helpmeet and you will find out what it is. My best sex comes after being grateful and joyful, which is taught in the early chapters of that book.

If you obeyed God with your thoughts you would not feel this way, this is not a permanent condition, its a sin condition in you that God can heal!

Perhaps you read too many romance novels (female porn) and have selfish fantasies that your husband never measures up to?

I didn’t orgasm in the beginning of our marriage, but I prayed every day and practiced sex every day and God answered! He will answer you to, just pray and practice 🙂

I do feel for you, I have always defended love over friendship and this is a classic reason why. However you have made you bed and now you have to find a way to lie in it. Trust that God does know how you feel and he will honour you if you honour Him.
You cannot divorce him, if you were to and re marry you would be committing adultery. This man is your husband and him alone. I suggest you start accepting that and stop wondering what if. The grass is not greener on the other side. You might fall in love with another but the guilt you would feel would not allow you to enjoy it.
If you leave him, you would not be free to marry again. Trust in the Lord and allow Him to help you. As long as you are fantasizing about what could be and looking over the fence you will never be able to accept and see what is right in front of you.
We all make decisions in life that affect our lives, you can make it work and God is such a good God he is waiting for you to reach out to Him so He can help you.
I wish I could support you more 🙁 I know it must be very hard for you )

For a woman who claims to not have allowed her “mind wonder about intimacy”, you seemed to have entered marriage with an opinion on what the marriage bed should be like. You can’t really have it both ways. So my personal observation is there is more to your story.

Let’s assume that you entered marriage with a pure heart and mind. That means all you have as a reference point for whether the bedroom is good or bad is what you have experienced. At the risk of offering TMI, great sex doesn’t occur until both souls melt together. Until that point, it is just a physical act. If he has as great of a heart as you claim, let him into yours. Put down your wall, and lean on him. Find comfort in his arms, and his strength. It’s time to stop dreaming of something different and start loving what you have.

It sounds like you married a man you thought fit a certain criteria. It was possibly an intellectual choice. I have met couples who speak with shame in their voice that they found their mate attractive. It’s not a sign of weakness to be attracted; it’s what we do with that attraction that determines who we are. Maybe that is what your husband has been taught, that it is a shameful thing to take pleasure in his wife.

Take some time to read the Song of Solomon tonight. Get a copy of the book, “Holy Sex” by Michael Pearl.

** WARNING: The content of my response is intended for a married woman to read. I have tried to be very discreet with my wording, but if you are a young, single girl, you might want to consider not reading this.

Dear Jas,

I hope I won’t offend you to assume that you have probably had some kind of “experience” before marriage. I’m guessing this because that was the case with me. I got saved at age 19 after a very sinful past and many sexual partners. I was very attracted to my husband before (and after) we married, and we both, each having a “past” before getting saved, found it a major challenge to stay pure before our wedding day – but we made it! I expected that fireworks would go off and sex would be amazing. It wasn’t. Despite my best efforts to forget, all my previous experiences had still accompanied us to the marriage bed. It is a terrible thing to go to bed with your husband and know that you have had more exciting or fulfilling sexual experiences in the past.

I am guessing this must be the case with you. Either that, or you must have been exposed to enough books, movies or tv with sexual content to give you some kind of expectation of what good sex must be like. Otherwise, you would have nothing to compare your husband’s performance with. Which, if we had God’s best for our lives, is how it should be.

I have never pretended with my husband, and I never will. That is very dishonest. He knew if I was not “fulfilled” afterwards (because he asked), but I was never condemning or expressed disappointment with him. I did, however make some suggestions on things he could try the next time. Mainly, he just needed to know that it takes longer for a woman to be “ready” than it does for a man. He wanted to please me, and eventually came up with many creative ideas on his own of how to do this. Again, I would be honest and tell him when I needed a little more time to get “ready”. I think if you are not reaching fulfillment during your times with your husband, he should know. Hopefully the two of you can then discuss some ideas on what might help (i.e. things you might like, things he could try, etc.).

It takes years for a husband and wife to become really good lovers. It takes time to get to know one another’s likes, dislikes, needs, etc. It is important to communicate these things with each other – especially to mention, “Wow, I really liked it when you did _____.” Not to complain or communicate disappointment in your spouse, as that will likely have a really adverse affect on him and cause him to become more withdrawn during intimate times. It takes times to learn how to please your spouse, and it takes time to become comfortable together as well.

I would like to also mention that there have been many times in our marriage where I thought he was somewhat “boring” in bed, because it was always the same routine, or whatever. Other times where I have been disappointed in his lack of sex drive, and also times where I wished he didn’t have so much! Looking back, I can see that the seasons of least satisfaction for me were also times where I was generally dissatisfied with many aspects of our marriage, and did not have the greatest attitude toward my husband. Since reading, and recently re-reading Created To Be His Help Meet, our marriage has sweetened dramatically, and so has our sex life.

I am wondering if this may also be true with you. It is surprising that you would consider divorce simply for a lackluster sex life, if everything else in your marriage is fantastic. It may be necessary for you to heal other areas in your marriage first (and be sure to read Created to Be His Help Meet!). It may also be necessary to cultivate the other aspects of your marriage that you do enjoy and find fulfilling. Even if a fulfilling sex life is not in your immediate future, turning this over to the Lord and turning your focus more onto other aspects of your marriage might help you.

Also, do you have any children? If you don’t, you should, as this offers many more areas for you to share your love and your life together. Having children bonds you closer together, if you have a good marriage. If you do have children, you know that pregnancy, the demands of motherhood, and particularly breastfeeding tend to have major effects on your own sex drives and responses. When I am breastfeeding, I have very little interest in sex, have very little physical response, and often feel that I am not attracted to my husband at all. Compounded with my own bad attitudes and previous lack of martial happiness in general, our sex life has often suffered very greatly. (I am currently pregnant with our 7th baby, and am very much in love with my husband. I am quite curious to see what the next breastfeeding season will be like.)

Through lots and lots of prayer (and my own determination), God has stripped away my preconceived ideas about sex and even my own sexual performance. As I have grown more comfortable and secure in my husband’s love for me, I have been able to relax and just enjoy my husband for who he is, and be myself during our times together. I thank the Lord for this. I feel truly cleansed of my past, that it has been erased and replaced with the memories my husband and I have built together. It has taken 11 years to come to this point. I am looking forward to many more decades to grow and learn to love each other even better.

Perhaps your husband would be willing to read Micheal Pearl’s book, Holy Sex with you, or watch Marriage God’s Way with you. If not, you could buy the two of you the Created books (and him the MP3 if he’s not a reader) as your next wedding anniversary gift. Just be sure not to pressure or nag him to see if he’s read/listened to it yet!

If you have tried all this, and your husband simply does not care about pleasing you, or is unwilling to discuss sex with you, you still have absolutely no biblical grounds for divorce. The Bible is perfectly clear on this point. You will then have to commit your heart to pray, and continue to be the best Help Meet you can be. We serve a God of great miracles, and, even if all else fails, He is the true hope for your marriage, and for your marriage bed.

blessings,
Faith T.

p.s. Here are the links for the books,etc.

https://nogreaterjoy.org/shop/marriage-gods-way-dvd

https://nogreaterjoy.org/shop/holy-sex-song-of-solomon-book

https://nogreaterjoy.org/shop/catalogsearch/result/?q=created+to+be+his+help+meet&s=

https://nogreaterjoy.org/shop/catalogsearch/result/?q=created+to+need+a+help+meet&s=