I’m a [definitely] young girl in a commited relationship with a TOTAL visionary. These guys ARE a lot of fun – Debi knew what she was talking about. They always take on big projects, and they are the ones to change the world – one great idea at a time.
I have one of the sweetest, kindest, most loving of men – he never makes a decision without talking it out, and he’s been there for me during many rough hours! He gets along perfectly with my family, controls his temper, reaches out to others, and has changed opinions after we talked – as of course, have I.
There’s just one thing though, I was NOT expecting. That’s some of the ideas and convictions a Visionary holds. They’re just – outrageous to this Steady-daughter. o_O And other people! I am the Crazy Girl. He has firm convictions, which is a blessing, but some of them step on my comfort zone, like not believing you should even trim hair, or do anything to make yourself ‘look better’… and that means he doesn’t want me to either, long term! Maybe that’s a compliment to me… And there’s other things like that – little things, but I’m not used to it. Not listening to certain genres of music, even what I consider appropriate – little things.
People assume, if I honor his wishes, that I’m being ‘controlled’…. and that’s made me gun-shy, as a VERY independent person. We made an agreement that, since we’re getting ready to be married, he would lead, just in the relationship role, and I would follow, ditto. People don’t like that! They think the practice is just another form of control. Haha -and the older, married ladies around me don’t submit.
But I’m not used to this! My family has always been very laid back about many things, and not questioned motives. So, older ladies… what do I do? Where do I learn to ‘not sweat the small stuff’, how do I address issues that mean a lot to me, and just enjoy the ride?
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Being a good help meet starts long before marriage. It is a mindset, a learned habit, a way of life established as a young unmarried girl—or at least that’s the way it should be. Nearly every wife will confess that the first year or two of married life was—how shall I say it—a frustrating learning experience.
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Well, since you are not married yet, he is not your husband, and you are not required to submit to him (yet). Now would be the best time to consider truthfully if the things he is asking of you are things you are willing to do for the rest of your life? Right now, you DO have a choice about this. After you get married, if you want to obey the Bible, you will not have a choice. And you will not have the freedom to debate with him or pressure him to change his mind. Right now is the time for you to take a good, hard look at what you will or will not be willing to live with and open those things up for respectful discussion. If he does not change his stance on any issues that you feel you would not be willing to tolerate for the longterm, it would be wise and honest for you to let him know that now. It would not be fair to him or to you to just “go along” with things that you hope will change after you are married. Chances are, they will not. It’s far better for the two of you to hash out these issues now, rather than have to deal with/suffer with them later on. That’s what courtship is all about – deciding if you will be compatible as lifelong mates. You may feel “committed”, but it is really, super important to keep your eyes wide open and know what you are entering into when you say “I do”.
Another important point to remember, is that you are still your father’s daughter, and under the covering of his protection and guidance. I hope you have the kind of daddy you can go to and discuss these things with. He and your mom (hopefully) have many years of godly wisdom, and their insights will be more objective, since they are not emotionally involved, as you are. Again, that is the beauty of courtship – that you are not left alone to figure it all out for yourself, but that you have the support and guidance of godly parents to help you in choosing the right lifelong mate.
I hope this helps.
blessings,
Faith T.
p.s. I am married to a Visionary Man!
I have a Visionary father so I know what you mean. 🙂
Something I would be very cautious about is not just what he believes now- but where he is heading. My aunt married someone who had a bent toward legalism (not saying your young man does, this is just an example). My aunt’s husband started their marriage with a few weird ideas, but he wasn’t too bad- now, 15 years later, they have been involved in 2 or 3 different cults and he has run her into the ground with crazy rules. (Currently following ALL old testament law.) Just don’t plan on his standards staying the same for the next 70 years. They will change, and there is no guessing where they will head. Plan on being along for the ride.
Obeying him and submitting to him is not being controlled- it is being Biblical. Just make sure you want to spend the rest of your life submitting to this.
From my “daughter of a visionary” perspective, you need to plan on just going for the ride if you do marry him. I would see nothing wrong with asking him about certain things that are more important to you- but don’t count on any changes being made. Just ask him- and let it drop. My sister is currently on that issue with my Dad- she wants to have fingernail polish, and he is wavering on his stand. (Currently they are compromised on clear only.)
You are going to have to make a decision now to not let the little things bug you- or else you will wind up a bitter woman.
I am sorry to be so harsh- but after 20 years under a Visionary, I know what it is like. (But it is also fun, if you are willing to enjoy it.)