Posted February 12, 2011

Dear ladies, Welcome to week two of the Preparing to be a help meet study. I hope you enjoyed chapter one. This week we will be reading chapter two and learning about being stubborn. Look up the word in your bible and share with us what you learn. Let me tell you right now when my mom was writing Preparing I was having a bible study with some girls and those that opened their Bible and looked the words up are now teaching their own bible studies or are getting married. And those that just chose to listen to what the other girls had to say; they are still sitting at home waiting for life to start. This week I will ask a question every day starting Monday night about chapter two, so be sure to give me your answers. I am still figuring out how to do this on line study, so thank you for your patience.


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  1. Shalom (Staff) - the author of this post.

    Ice breaker: Would you prefer to marry a man five years older or five years younger than yourself? why?

    # February 12, 2011

    • Shalom (Staff) - the author of this post.

      If someone had ask me this when I was single I would have said older. I always thought I would marry somone a lot older then myself, but then God sent me a younger man to marry, only by six months. He enjoys calling me his old lady for those months though, I just laugh at him. Just as a funny insight, my mom wanted us to be the same age when we married, so we set the wedding date before my birthday. I turned 21 on my honeymoon though, so in his mind I was his old lady right away, oh well.

      # February 12, 2011

  2. Faith

    I would say older. I always have wanted a guy two or three years older than me, but I wouldn’t mind if God had a younger man for me.

    Thank you Miss Shalom!


    # February 13, 2011

    • Faith Grubb

      Why? (sorry I forgot to say why) I feel a man old than me would be better as far as him having experience and wisdom, but I am praying for my husband now and experience isn’t always in years alone. Really why I say older is preference 🙂

      # February 17, 2011

  3. lizzie

    I would say older also.

    # February 13, 2011

  4. Faith Greer

    As long as he’s a guy after God’s own heart, I don’t really care!

    # February 13, 2011

  5. Leah

    Probably older, but no older than 5 years; I guess it’s just one of those things we assume 🙂

    # February 13, 2011

  6. Sofia

    Funny enough when i was single i always wanted a guy same age as me and not older so that we could ‘grow up together’. But then God sent me a wonderful man who was older than myself by 12 years.

    # February 14, 2011

  7. Kait

    Older. As an older sibling, I feel that I would have a hard time respecting a younger man. Although I am mostly a dreamer, being the oldest among both my siblings and my cousins has given me some Queenly tendencies. I would not refuse someone just because he was younger, though. It would just depend on the man. My friend (twenty-five and the oldest of eleven) is being courted by a man seven years younger than herself.

    # February 14, 2011

  8. Rebecca H.

    I married my best friend’s older brother. He is five years older than me. I have known him since I was 12. He already spent a lot of time with my family, and when I was about 15 he started spending more time with us and with his sister and I . From early on, I felt like he was the one God had chosen for me. I’m thankful he was fine with waiting for me!

    Why older? One, we were in love!! Two, he was the highest esteemed, godly young man in the community. And three, I liked the security of his life experience and capability to provide for a wife and family.

    # February 14, 2011

  9. Maria

    Older. I just always thought it would be nice if he had at least a year on me. A couple of my friends have also told me they see me marrying somebody older then me.

    # February 14, 2011

  10. Caralee

    Hello. I am a happily married woman of 16 years , but want to join the discussion to continue learning and be built up as a wife. One is never too old to learn from a Bible study like this! I hope I am able to ask questions about my present situations even though I have been married for some time (unless there is another alternative to ask questions for married women in another venue). I have three boys ages 10, 8, and (almost) 4, and a little girl who is 20 months. I want to improve my role as a wife to help me boys know what to look for in a beautiful help meet and I desire to be a great example for my daughter.0

    Now to answer your question, I remember when I was in my late teens and early 20’s that I wanted to marry someone preferably older than myself because I wanted a mature man. All the boys that I knew at the time were immature and had no real drive for life. I was willing to marry someone up to only 6 months younger than I as I thought that was still safe enough. The funny thing was I ended up marrying my husband who is 5 months and 5 days younger than me! The good thing was he was mature and had a real drive for life!!!!! He too still teases me about the difference of our age especially with guests and around my birthday!

    I know God answered my prayers for both the mature man with a drive and being within 6 months of my age….though I am sure the age factor was not as big of a deal as I thought of it at that time. The more important answer of prayer for me was that he was mature and had a drive for life!


    # February 14, 2011

  11. Laura

    Well if I had to choose 5 years older or 5 years younger then I would choose older. But I would not mind him being a year or two younger then me.
    Thank you for you answer to my prayer question Ladies. I have been asking God for understanding on that question quite a lot and that helped. Also I finished the first chapter and it was like I was reading some of it for the first time! It really helped answer my questions. 🙂
    Thank you Lord for answering our prayers!

    # February 14, 2011

  12. Mrs.F.L

    I would say older too!

    # February 14, 2011

  13. Alka Hope

    My mom married later in life, & is almost 4 years older than my dad, & they were perfect for each other, but then, my dad is VERY steady & was very mature for his age.
    I’m a “Go-to-Gal/Servant”, & have always thought I’d probably do best with a man who was considerably older than me (6-9 years?). Since reading PTBAH, I have realized that more than focusing on what I want my hubby to be, I should be focusing on what my hubby will need ME to be!!

    Interestingly (like many of you above), there is a young man on the horizon, who is not even a year older than me, that I might become a helpmeet too… Doesn’t God want us to give Him our ALL!!!!

    # February 14, 2011

  14. Hannah

    I would prefer older. If a guy was 5 years younger than myself I would feel like he was more of a possibility for one of my little sisters! Plus, I’m the oldest and I think I would have a hard time respecting someone younger….

    # February 14, 2011

  15. Shalom (Staff) - the author of this post.

    Ok ladies, don’t be shy, give me an answer. After reading chapter two, what do you think? Can stubbornness cause us to miss God’s will and maybe even God’s man for us? How can we know the will of God concerning the man we will marry?

    # February 15, 2011

    • Shalom (Staff) - the author of this post.

      If you want you can go to page 229 in the Preparing book and read my love story, and how God lead me to where I am today.

      # February 15, 2011

      • Caralee

        By the way, I think your love story is wonderful! You had an assurance and confidence that was amazing. I also liked the fact that you did not wait for years to get married. You knew he was the one so you got married quickly. My husband and I are hoping this happens for our children – no long dating time or engagements. It is definitely not healthy!


        # February 15, 2011

      • Christy

        We believe in short engagements all the way! – if only the right man would show up… 😀

        # February 15, 2011

  16. Caralee

    (Sorry this is long.)

    Absolutely. Stubbornness can cause us to miss God’s will. That is why it is sooo important to keep your heart open to what God has no matter what he wants us to do or marry.

    I remember when I was about 20 or so, I watched an older Christian woman who was in her mid to late 50’s who attended our church. She was sooo comfortable with her life. She did not like change at all. She did not want to grow. I remember it like it was yesterday when I told God very clearly that I did not want to be like her when I get older. I asked God to always keep me changing and growing- never to become complacent with my character or life. I have seen many people – especially the older people- become happy with where they are and they essentially stop growing and changing. This causes great problems in relationships and in life of all kinds. Thankfully, though at times it has been hard, God has been faithful to me in keeping me changing and growing – molding me from one glory to another! My husband has been very thankful for this!

    Having said it is important to have an open heart to what God wants for us, I want to add that God will not give you a man you will not love. He is a God of dreams and a God who loves to give us good gifts. When I was around 16 years old, scouting slowly for a man, I wrote God a letter about what kind of man I wanted. I asked for some basic physical desires like height and frankly, I asked that he be attractive. But I kept it at that.

    I know of women who got so specific about nose shapes and hair color that when a really neat Christian guy came along and asked to date them, these girls said no because of he had a nose they did not like. These women ended up not getting married and regretted their decision to this day!

    Then in my letter, I listed character qualities I desired him to be: a man who really loved God (not a regular Christian, but one who really had a heart for God and lived it so I would not have to drag him to church or be the spiritual one in our relationship – without even realizing it- I knew that being the spiritual leader in our home would be a problem). I listed such things as having humor and being really affectionate with me when we are married. I also knew my man needed to be patient, understanding and one who can forgive as I knew he would need these things to be able to handle me! htere were about 10 qualities.

    To make a long story short, God gave me everything on my list and so much more in the man who is my husband!

    After watching the NGJ videos with Debi Pearl where she suggests for the young women to make a list of qualities she should become for her future husband, I thought that was fabulous!! I wish I had done that! I had some good qualities, but there were some I lacked greatly especially in the areas of home making and in my personality/ideas. Can you believe it I did not know how to cook! My husband was very surprised my mother did not teach me to cook. He thought it was a no brainer for a women to know this before getting married.. With remorse, I wish I had a better time of preparation for marriage than what I really did.

    I am already training all my children to have skills for home and their lives. Furthermore, I am training my children with God’s great help to mold their character towards godly character and his word. NGJ has been such a blessing to our family!

    As for knowing the will of God concerning the man we will marry, it is very important to pray, pray, and pray some more. If you have Christian parents who really love and serve God, then ask them for their opinion also. I remember telling myself when I was in my late teens and early 20’s that if my parents did not like a guy,I was not going to go for him. They were going to have a strong influence in who I marry as I knew they desired the best for me, were objective and could see problems I wouldn’t, and were praying parents. Only once my mother made a positive comment about a young man who she thought had great character and was a neat guy. I ended up marrying that man.

    Also, I have been told by my mother, and had the same experience, that you will just know who the man will be when he enters your life. I never did this with any other guy I met, but the very first memory I had of seeing my husband, I remember whispering to God, “Is he the one?!” I just knew I would marry him. It is hard to explain, but you know that you know that you know.


    # February 15, 2011

    • Shalom (Staff) - the author of this post.

      I loved what you had to say, it is a great thing for girls to know. I also would like all you young girls to reread the gray block on page 35 it goes along with what Caralee shared with us.

      # February 15, 2011

    • Caralee

      I want to add to my point about knowing who you are to marry that even though I knew that my husband was the one, I still had doubts and concerns of making the right decision. I came to the point of just trusting God in my decision to marry him because I felt that I was being obedient to God and I felt that he was the one for me…even despite my concerns and fears. I am glad I obeyed! 🙂


      # February 15, 2011

  17. Christy

    I have always wanted to marry a man 10 or so years older than me. I don’t quite know why, but the fact that my grandfather and grandmother were 10 years apart and lovingly married for over 50 years has been an inspiration.

    If God sent me a younger man to marry, I wouldn’t mind though… 🙂

    As far as what I thought about chapter 2, I think it must be my favorite. Lydia is exactly the kind of girl I want to become: active for Jesus and always happy with her busy-ness.

    Stubbornness is such a bad character quality that is totally unattractive. Besides that, God wants us to continue to grow and be ready for anything. Flexibility is so hard sometimes, but it is so needful.

    # February 15, 2011

  18. swifttohear

    Hi, all. I’m really embarrassed to tell you that I haven’t received my book yet (come on, mail guy!), but I just want you all to know that I love your comments, and thank you so much, Shalom, for taking the time to take on this major undertaking! I’m so grateful to God for working in the hearts of so many women who love Him. Thank you!

    # February 15, 2011

  19. swifttohear

    I meant to mention something about the age thing when my four-year old wanted to know if the stars were sun-bombs…

    I always thought I’d marry an older guy b/c of the maturity factor, but I have since been led to believe that maturity in age is nothing like maturity in Christ. For example, my brother (9 years younger than I), has always had a sincere love for Christ. As a result, he was responsible and looking to marry by time he was 15! He ended up getting married at 21 to a girl 3 years older than him. She was more mature in Christ than the ‘silly’ girls he met at youth group.

    My husband was mature in Christ at 16, but couldn’t find any girl who met the standards on his “list”! He had to wait 16 more years to find me, and need I also say that he had to lower his expectations a little! We both got married when we were 32, and I’m glad to say that although he’s three months younger than I, he is FAR older in spiritual maturity. He has never ceased to amaze me with his wise words, and I respect him so much. I always thank God for him.

    So, dare I say that the amount of time you spend in meekness and humility, yearning for the Word, is what gives you the wisdom of years.

    # February 15, 2011

  20. Leah

    It was interesting to me to see the connection between stubborness and rebellion(1 Sa15:23). And also to note the difference between steadfast(faithful and consisten) and stubborness (unyielding and obstinate).
    I have seen

    # February 15, 2011

  21. Hannah

    I think stubbornness can definitely cause us to miss God’s will! If we’re stubborn we may not be listening for God and be too set in what we think or how we act to even care.
    I think we can know God’s will in who we marry by asking Him and letting Him lead, and by seeking godly counsel and heeding that advice.

    # February 15, 2011

  22. Kait

    How can one discern between stubbornness and steadfastness? I can see the difference from my word study, but am having a hard time discerning in real life. I have yet to meet a man who has the same convictions that I do. My mother recently told me that I need to be careful not to be too stubborn and refuse a man because he is not perfect. For example, I was homeschooled and am very against public school. I would absolutely never think of sending my kids to one, so should I consider marrying a man who went to public school if he is willing to home school, but not necessarily convicted that way? Obviously I need to be able to respect him, but assuming that I can, would it be right for me to marry him? I want my husband to be my spiritual head.

    # February 17, 2011

  23. Hannah L.

    Chapter two was a very challenging chapter to me, but I definately needed to hear it. I noticed that one of the characteristics of the harlot in Proverbs 7 is her stubberness–scary. Also, one interesting definition of stubbern is “unreasonably and obstructively determined to persevere or prevail.”
    In thinking about knowing God’s will I was most effected by the gray block on page 35 that Shalom mentioned

    # February 17, 2011

  24. Hannah L.

    …Sorry, I’m still figuring this out and that last comment was posted before I could spell check! 🙂 Anyway, the idea in that block is that God allows me to make my own choices about who I marry, and that any man who fits the biblical qualifications of godliness is His will. He guides us, like He did Lydia, through good council and peace about our decision, but it is still our choice. This is a very different idea for me, but makes a lot of sense and seems to fit with the way we see God leading people in the Bible.

    # February 17, 2011

  25. Melody Grubb

    This chapter taught me so much the second time I read it. When I first read it this past fall, I didn’t grasp the lesson– and this week as I read it, God opened my eyes to see what I have been blind to until now.

    The word search was very interesting. One of the verses on stubbornness that really struck me was 1 Sam. 15:23, “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.” Wow. That really puts it into perspective. In Deut. 21:18-21, the Lord commands that a stubborn son is to be stoned!

    This past year, I really learned what ‘stubborn’ means… by my own actions and attitude. I did not like to listen to my parents’ advice, thinking God would guide me– and not through them! (What was I thinking?) I see now how foolish this attitude is and pray I do not fall prey to it again. Like many of you ladies have said, God guides us through older people in our lives who give us godly counsel and advice.
    The difference between stubbornness and wisdom is to *seek* and *receive* counsel from people whom I know are godly– in my case, my parents. I thought that when I became an “adult” I should immediately start making important and life decisions on my own– oh, with help from the Lord. For some reason I thought my parents were then out of the picture. Wrong!

    Mrs. Pearl says to read the books Ruth and Esther. In both stories both heroines are loyal to some kind of authority, or older person. They refer to that figure and look to them for guidance, because they know that God speaks through them. Ruth made her own decision to stay with Naomi when the latter told her to go back to her own people. Yet in the rest of the story, she wisely obeys her mother-in-law because she (prayerfully) discerns that it is God’s will for her to do so. Something that stuck out to me in Ruth’s story was what Mrs. Pearl mentioned: Ruth knew that to be loyal to and serve her mother was to reduce her chances of marrying again. She chose to follow God’s leading rather than her own human wants and dreams.
    Why then am I so worried about whether or not God can find me a husband in whatever circumstances I am? I am increasingly convinced that I am exactly where God wants me to be at the present time, and if I am to be married, He’ll guide my man to where I am!

    Sorry this is so long. I’m enjoying and being edified by all the posts!

    # February 26, 2011

    • Caralee


      Just trust GOD! He knows what you need, when you need it.

      He did it for me 18 -20 years ago when I was in my late teens and early 20’s. I was looking around at all the possible places for a strong available Christian man to marry. I went often to other churches in our area and observed the young men who came into my own church. None were solid or not interested in me. I was not sure a great guy would ever be able to find me.

      WELL! My mom wisely told me to stay put in our church and stop going to other church functions. She instructed me to ask God to bring my husband to me through our own church doors. So I did as she said. When I was around 20, my husband literally walked through our church doors and made our church his home church from that day on.

      God has your address at all times. He surely knows who would be a wonderful husband for you. While living life to the fullest with contentment right now, pray and wait patiently in expectation for God to bring him into your life!


      # March 2, 2011

  26. Shay

    Funny, because several of the men I l have liked the most have been 6 or 7 years older than me!! I really like the idea of a very mature grown man who knows where he’s going in life and can support and take care of a wife very well.

    # March 30, 2011

  27. CJ

    If I had to choose, 5 years OLDER. However, if God is pointing me toward a younger man I would willingly obey. HE knows better than I ever could!

    # April 12, 2011