Hello everyone. I have been separated from my wife for 6 months now. I’m the reason for this separation. Last year I befriended a woman at work and I allowed this friendship to become a distraction within my marriage. We talked all the time and even took our lunch breaks together. It got to the point where people at work thought I was having an affair. Eventually my wife found out about the friendship and was angry of course. I cut ties with my friend because I didn’t want to cause problems in my marriage. I even called the woman in front of my wife and had her on speaker so that my wife could hear everything that was being said. I told my friend that our friendship was wrong because it was affecting my marriage and I didn’t want it to cause any problems because of it. She informed me that she didn’t think she’d cause any problems in my marriage but that she understood where I was coming from and if I felt that was the right decision then she’d respect it. This happened in November 2011, after that my marriage took a turn for the better. December went terrific. We were both happy. BUT come January I was not happy anymore. I was questioning my marriage, questioning my love for my wife, questioning everything. My parents had just gotten separated after 30yrs and I was dealing with that emotionally. I was upset that we were still living with my in-laws, I was just not happy with anything. For weeks I went to work and came home. My wife begged and cried to me and I didn’t show any compassion. I didn’t care. I was like a zombie and I didn’t realize the pain I was causing. When she’d ask what I was going to do I just told her that I didn’t know but when I did I would let her know. Well she couldn’t take it anymore and kicked me out in February of this year. Right away I knew that wasn’t what I wanted so immediately I tried to get her to change her mind. Didn’t work of course. For the next month I was prideful and felt like I would be fine without her. Boy was I wrong. I realized that my wife and daughter were the most important thing in my life so I was determined to get them back. We started to talk and even hang out together. But towards the end of April she put an end to that and it’s only gotten worse since. I fell into a depression which I’m still dealing with. I ended up recommitting my life to the Lord because I knew all my failures in life were because I had kept God out of it. So I’ve been making changes in my life and I pray daily, read the bible, and of course go to church. But my wife wants nothing to do with me. Back in June she was very hurtful and told me she was done with me. Since then we haven’t talked much and now my own daughter doesn’t really like to be around me because of my depression. I can’t help but be sad because it took me to lose my family to realize that they were all I really needed in my life. I love my wife with all my heart and I want to prove my love to her and show her that God has changed me and I want to have God in both our lives and marriage. But she still wants nothing to do with me and it breaks my heart. She gets angry with me for being sad around my daughter and I’m trying to be strong around her because I don’t want to upset my wife anymore. I just don’t know what to do other than pray. I feel like my wife and daughter are fine without me and that I’ll never get my family back. I know I have to trust in the Lord but the hard days do take over sometimes. It’s hard to act like I’m ok when I miss them so much. I worry that my wife will never love me again or that she’ll start dating someone else. So many negative thoughts enter my mind and I don’t know how to handle it at times. I’ve lost my family and I now know that I shouldn’t have taken them for granted. I will do anything to get them back and I will wait as long as I have to. I don’t want anyone else and I don’t want another family. She knows this but still hasn’t made an effort to reconcile. My in-laws have told me that she hasn’t said anything about divorce but back in June when she told me she was done with me she did mention it. So I do worry about that, I just hate this because my heart literally aches everyday. All I want is my family. The days are getting harder and sometimes it feels hopeless. I know everything is on God’s time and not mine. I just pray that I do get my family back
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Being a good help meet starts long before marriage. It is a mindset, a learned habit, a way of life established as a young unmarried girl—or at least that’s the way it should be. Nearly every wife will confess that the first year or two of married life was—how shall I say it—a frustrating learning experience.
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Today’s a new day! She may. Women jut want love and honesty. Write her a long letter every week, or day (a diary). First off tell her what you’vetoed us, let her know you were wrong and that God was not the center of your life.
Let her know that you have changed that. Let her know that God said divorce isn’t an option so you would like to reconcile your marriage to her. Let her know that you were wrong about the woman at work and you will save yourself evermore for your wife alone.
Follow this letter, with a love letter, tell her what you miss… Her home cooked meals, her smile, her eyes?? And send her verses too.
Hope that helps.
I just want to say I feel sorry for you! I think your wife is being to hard on you. She may have had grounds for being mad at you but at the same time you did not cheat on her. My brother did the exact same thing you did – word for word. His wife almost left him – at the suspition of him cheating on her. (4 children) My mother got involved and got both sides of the story. He told her how modest and good this client was. She turned to him and said listen to yourself. Then he realized how he sounded and begged his wife’s forgiveness. He also, at the risk of loosing his job, refused to go back and meet her again. He was lucky he lost niether his job nor his family. I know the ending is not the same as yours, like I said he was lucky. My mother is a sensible woman who gets along well with her children, both blood and in-laws. Is there any chance that you get along with one of her female relations or friends? Maybe they could talk some sense into her. I hope she wakes up and finds out just how lucky she is to have you.
Mr. B,
From a wise experienced woman, I am going to assert myself and tell you that this site is not for men to share the difficulties they have with their wives. We are not to give you any advice nor help. You are setting yourself and the ladies on this site with great temptation whether you think you are doing this or not.
If you really want to get your family back, then find a man you can trust to talk to and who will advise you wisely and biblically as to what you should do to restore your marriage. Read all the men/father and marriage articles on nogreaterjoy.org. Also get and read the Created to Need a Help Meet book written by Michael Pearl.
I second that opinion, thank-you Caralee! Mr. B, find a godly MAN that you trust to talk to, DO NOT pour out the troubles you are having with your wife to vulnerable young ladies. The classic reply of “I hope she wakes up and finds out just how lucky she is to have you.” is a HUGE red flag, I have seen where things like this can lead over and over again, and I sincerely hope that this thread will be brought to an end before any more young ladies stumble.
I wanted to let you ladies know that are writing responses and not seeing them posted. That it is becouse I think Caralee is wise in saying that this gentleman needs to seek help from a pastor or man. I know that you all have wisdom to give him, but this is not the place to do it. Thankyou so much for your understanding everyone and Mr B I hope you can find someone to talk to. God Bless you, Shalom please read Created to need a help meet it will tell you what you need to know.
I agree. A woman SHOULD NOT and NEVER give any man advice on how to restore a marriage because of a man’s failure even if that woman has advanced degrees iin psychology and religion. 99.9999…% of the time it is because he failed to understand that God is all knowing and all powerful and always seeks relationship with “old adam”
I know and husband are friends with a Princeton University graduate who lost his wife. He has remained single for many years (longer than I’ve been alive). He lost his wife because he thought atheism was the answer to life. Since then he has found biblical truth and ONLY biblical truth is the answer to LIFE’s problems. He DID NOT come to this understanding THROUGH a woman but directly hearing from God.
I believe he will remain happier to remain under Christ’s authority rather than under the authority and knowledge that came from a woman.
If you are giving advice to this man you are putting yourself in authority over this man. Christ alone needs to be the authority over this man that is asking questions.
Giving this man direction on where to go and do to restore relationship with his former wife is like this man giving his former wife a “bee-hive” for a Christmas present. Don’t do that to his former wife.
also…..my husband has an uncle who lost his former wife to another man. He can’t seem to leave his mother’s side. No wonder she left……it is because my husband’s uncle doesn’t cleave to Christ he cleaves to his mother. He is on all sorts of depression meds because of that.