Shalom Brand: Command man marries servant. Sometimes you're going to overexert yourself and become worn out. Because you go, go, go, helping other people, like Lauren here and like me. Sometimes you need to learn to just not overexert yourself. People call me all the time. "Will you babysit? Will you can my tomatoes for me? Will you homeschool my kids for me? Will you run to the store for me? Can I borrow your car?" If I did not know how to say no, my husband, when he got home, would be like, "What's going on? Why didn't the stuff I asked you to do get done?"
I have to put priorities in my life, not say yes to everybody, and not overexert myself. Having the trait of a servant is a wonderful thing, but you already are a servant. You need to learn to be a queen, say no sometimes, and step up to the plate.
The thing with a warning for steady girls is you become...sometimes you can...there are two different types of steady. There are those that are out there helping and there are those that are hidden flowers. Do you know what I'm talking about?
You don't want people to notice that you're picking this plate up, but you want to pick it up. You don't really want anyone to notice because you don't want people to say, "Thank you." Another thing with steadies is you like to be appreciated. Once you get married and your husband doesn't appreciate you, or your father doesn't appreciate you, or your brothers don't appreciate you, you get upset and you get a bad attitude.
You're not a visionary, so you don't blow up, but you do have a bad attitude in your heart. Sometimes you have a tendency to become bitter, don't you think? You have to learn to have a joyful heart. I suggest to those of you that are steady personalities or servant-type personalities to study the word joy. I am a very happy person, but I study the word joy a lot. [laughs]
I study the word happiness. I'll go through the whole Bible looking up the word joy, because I'm a servant and I give, give, and give. If I over-give, I start thinking, "They just use me too much. Why are they using? I'm so tired. I'm exhausted."
I need to study the word joy and realize I'm putting myself in that position. I'm the one that's saying yes. Study joy, learn to say no. If you have a hard time saying no, which I know you do because I do. [laughs] Lauren's up here. I love looking at Lauren. She's like [nodding]...
She put her up here so you could see her. She never stops smiling. This girl is the happiest, most servant person you will ever meet. She outdoes everyone. Anyway, Lauren has learned to say no sometimes. [laughter] She is still working on it.
She knows she has me and my sister, Shoshanna, who are very happily pointing out to her that she needs to say no sometimes. She's prioritizing her life.
I know two different examples of a command man married to a servant. Cameron's dad is a command man. Her mom is a 100 percent servant, don't you think? But she is not a hidden flower. He is a really good command man. [laughs] He has enough priest in him that he helps. Everyone wants to gravitate towards him. His kids gravitate towards him. He is our organizer at church. He makes things happen. He's the one setting up the meals, but you know what? She, as a servant, is his queen. She is 100 percent a queen.
If somebody didn't know her, they be like, "Oh, she's a go‑to girl," when she really isn't. She seems like a go‑to girl because she has had to step up to being his queen. Every time they're at church, she's the one getting it done, talking to the people, organizing the food, telling people what to do—“Put this in the fridge, and take this out.”
We eat every Sunday and her family is in charge of making sure all the food is out, making sure everyone brought something. If we have guests, they're the ones that host them. She meets the needs of the whole church with her servant heart, but actually leads them as a queen as well.
That is your goal as a servant personality, is to become a queen, to walk with your head high, and to not hunch over and hide. That's not what God wants from you. He wants you to be a queen. He wants you to be beautiful. He wants you to be a lovely young lady, being able to minister to other people and use the gifts God gave you in a queenly way.
Remember Queen Esther? She was just a humble girl in the village and she had to become queen. Esther, I'm not saying it wrong, am I? [laughs] She had to become queen and step up to the plate and do dangerous things, going up before the king. We studied Esther in our Preparing class a couple of years ago. The king she married, he's 40 years old and he was wicked. He was really wicked. He was the leader of the 10,000 Immortals and he worshipped all kinds of gods. He was a horrible man. Within a month after he married Esther, he asked for another hundred more girls to be brought in for more concubines.
She was still his queen and she saved a whole nation because of it. Even if you're a servant and you're married, end up some day—sorry, but I'm going to put a damper on this—married and 20 years from now your husband is not all that great, you can still be his queen.
Don't bow down and humble and say, "I can't do it." Yes, you can. Raise your kids to love God, and be the queen that God wants you to be. Don't wait until 20 years. Start practicing now, standing up, hold your head high, walk with dignity. If people ask you a question, respond to it. Be a queen.
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Just want to say I love this ministry . It always inspires me to be a better mom and wife.
Yes, nice example, wicked adulterous, idolatrous King Xerxes is a great example for these women who many of which are in desperate, difficult situations, yet they should be like Queen Esther who stayed in her place and didn't do anything to go against her husband....wait a minute, she did go against the law, and she did go against what he would have originally wanted from her....not to approach the king without his bidding meant instant death was a law he regularly enforced.....so I'm so very confused about how this is a good example? Maybe we should be like Abigail who only ever obeyed her husband and later he died and she became a part of many of the King's wives and we never hear of her again....oh wait, she did go against her husband. I'm confused.....I'm a servant and my husband regularly abuses this, so I should say no to him? I Get it I get the point of this article!!! Thank you!!
Your confusion is self-imposed. It was not against any laws to approach the Persian king, but one did risk the arbitrary whims on the king in approaching him. Esther broke no laws and did nothing contrary to her husband. It is a wives responsibility to stand against the immorality of her husband. There is no one size fits all answer to every circumstance and the generality of your question about your husband abusing your servant heart is just one side of the story.
Thank you ... This is so excellent.... My younger daughter is just like this... She is 33 and beautiful and she is sweet and a servant ...
I use to get your magazine but stop when we went abroad now we are back in London I would love to received as I still use and share CDs and books That I have
Thank you so much for the reminder today! I think I'm going to do a study on joy.
A Wallflower Servant girl needs to be properly trained, when young, in the art of saying “no” if they are to avoid bitterness and anger later in life. Shalom is so right in that the Wallflower Servant does not seek accolades for her performance; she is thoughtful of others and gives freely and willingly for the joy of it... And will attract “Users” like flies if you’re not careful to train.
Besides a lack of discretion, the Wallflower Servant girl might also suffer from the delusion that everyone else will be just as considerate, and will be hurt and confused when people fail to respect normal boundaries. It might take her a while, but after being repeatedly exploited, she will become hard - but still lack the ability to properly “step up to the plate”, as Shalom put it. Anger may become the only way a Wallflower Servant girl can have enough backbone to say “no” - unless parents are diligent while they are young.
I was blessed to be at the Shindig with my husband and kids and got to hear this talk live. Hearing it this morning is a blessing all over again! My tendency is to be a shrinking violet, but I need to remember to hold my head up and speak with dignity. Thanks for the reminder!
Please tell me, should queen Esther always defend her king's actions when others ask about him? Should she give everything(in submission) to him even if he brings the family into further debt - and scoffs at Esther's unworthy (in his opinion) contribution to the family; whether it be monetary(yes, a job for survival) or attempting to homeschool, etc. Thank you Pearl Family for sharing & taking a stand as you do.