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Considering a Future Wife?

By Michael Pearl



Debi Pearl:  Hi, I’m Debi Pearl, and this is Mike Pearl, my honey, and we’re here today to read a question that’s come in from our mail and to answer it. Today’s letter is unusual because it’s from a young man. We don’t get a lot of questions from young men. And so here we go with this question.

Dear Mr. Pearl, I’ve had my eye on this girl for a year. Since I live in a different state, we keep in daily touch with Skype. Her parents are youth directors. Their home is always open to the youth and a bunch of youth hang out all weekend and have for years.

Since this girl was a teenager, several of the same guys that don’t seek the Lord spend the weekend evenings there watching movies or playing games. It looks bad.

She refers to these guys as her really good friends. A few weeks ago, I asked her point blank if she thought any of these guys were truly seeking God. Her answer was, “A little. I think they might be thinking about it. You need to get to know them because they’re really sweet.” Her choice of best friends give me pause. I wonder, am I jealous?

I tell you, I’ve gone back and forth as I consider her for my future wife. I know she wonders why I hesitate in popping the big question. In light of Psalms 1, I wonder why her best hangout buddies are lost guys.

I am His servant seeking first the kingdom of God. Should I go forward?

Michael Pearl:  Who you are is where your heart is, and so if her heart is with lost guys—I mean, if you really believe there’s a Heaven and a Hell, if you really believe there’s eternity and there’s a consequence for the way you live, then how could you have a friend that you didn’t share Christ with, if they’re not saved? You’re going to want to share Christ every time you see them. If you did share Christ with them every time you see them, they would either become a Christian or they wouldn’t come around anymore.

Debi Pearl:  That’s right.

Michael:  But she’s allowing these visitors to set the tone of who and what she is, and the young man sees it. I would flee from such a girl, myself. I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I just wouldn’t trust her. Now, if you feel like God’s led you there and your heart’s really there, then you need to just sit down and have a heart‑to‑heart with her and say, “Why do you have unsaved friends? Why are you not sharing Christ with them?”

Get to the bottom of it. Maybe she needs some guidance. Maybe she needs some steering. But I’m with you. I would have more than pause. I would just say goodbye, and I’d let her marry one of those guys that she likes so well.

Debi:  Yeah, I’d say this to older parents who have teenage children. You need to remember your home is a refuge. It’s a place of safety. Setting up an entertainment of your home is a bad way to do it. It’s like being Lot. You might say you’re ministering, but when children or teenagers come over three times straight in a row and they’re still lost, but they like to come to your house to hang out, then you don’t have a house that is ministering, you have a house that is an entertainment center that is entertaining lost people.

They ought not feel comfortable at your place after two or three times of coming. They should feel either terribly under conviction or just want to leave, because your place should be a sanctuary unto the Lord. Your children should be safe in an environment of growing up to know the Lord.

Michael:  Yeah. Sometimes we have lost kids at our house, but our children always knew that they were there for us to minister to them.

Debi:  That’s right.

Michael:  They were always kind of on edge. In other words, they were always being careful and cautious, and always looking for opportunities to share Christ. Sometimes they were lost guys who’d come around, but if they didn’t know want to know the Lord, they soon quit come coming. And our daughters never hung out with unsaved guys.

Debi:  That’s exactly right.

They didn’t even hang out with guys that were saved and not following the Lord. The people they hung out with were people that knew Christ and had the same heart they did toward the things of God.



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4 comments on “Considering a Future Wife?”

  1. Very interesting post. Very true post. I was “that girl” in the middle of all the guys. I was the “tom boy” of “tom boy’s” and pursued a degree in Mathematics at college. Many guys took math class and not many girls. I learned to love men but didn’t clearly see the relationship between biblical ways of thinking vs. worldly and fleshly ways of thinking. My poppa a good man in the small community where I lived never told me not to dress or look like a Marilyn Monroe either………We grew up on a farm and since I was a girl my poppa often had to hire the local neighbor guys to come and help with the farm chores. So I was pretty used to being around men and guys and really appreciate the non-perverted ones.

    Fast forward to today, now married. I’ve read the bible thoroughly and not something of the cartoon version so many people get from the churches. I return home to my family and feel the sweet spirit of love that Christ has for all humanity, but I know that family members are kind of lost in regards to how to handle and defend scriptural truth.

    If I was the guy in those shoes……I would speak to the parents of the girl. I would say those guys should stay off of the home property unless they are doing chores or something of a servant nature. If she needs time away from the “mess” of humanity, she won’t have a refuge in her own home which is scary for a woman. It sounds like the man cares for the girl so maybe he needs to be a Knight in Shining armor and kick the dragons to the curb in some form or fashion.

  2. GOD bless you for such a great insight. – thing the young man should sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with the lady. Get a clear picture of what’s on ground and decide on te right step to take. I have lost so many relationships which would have led to marriage because of this same issue. I’m still unmarried though, but sometimes I feel, maybe I was to rash in the decisions I took. So the young man should just as you suggested, find out the truth behind her behaviour. GOD bless you.

  3. Well! If that wasn’t the most freeing thing I’ve heard in a long time! All of the kids in our neighborhood came to our house daily. First off, we had to make a rule about no taking the Lord’s name in vain or they were sent away for the rest of the day. We ended up telling the Gospel very clearly, which most of them were very interested in, though none became believers. Over a time period of a couple of months, a few of the kids began to secretly “boycott” our house and eventually all “went on strike” and not only stopped visiting, but were rather hostile. My husband is hardworking, so didn’t have much of a second thought about it, but my daughters and I felt that we had failed in some way and my young son was very sad to lose so many playmates. Now you say that that is exactly what we should have expected! Who knew? Certainly not me. Thanks for letting me know that we actually did something right. I feel a lot better about being ostracized.

  4. I just wanted to comment on this because we had a similar situation at our home where we had a very open home. (Our family now serves in Haiti.) We had a gathering every Fri night for 11yrs where we ate dinner together, sang songs to The Lord, had a Bible study and prayer. Our group grew and grew: families with children and teenagers and young adults. It was also typical for our van and suv to be filled with teens heading to church with us on Sundays. My husband and his friend had a sports ministry after church with the teens and anyone else in our community who wanted to play. They did a devotion and had prayer before they played. These kids were drawn to us, they wanted to be around us. Yes on Saturdays they came over to hang out if they wanted and they were not all saved when they started coming around but we were blessed to see The Lord working on their hearts through us and when they became saved they began discipling others and more would come. Our children witnessed this and were a part of it. What a blessing for our kids to be involved with seeing others come to The Lord and being discipled. I just wanted to point all of these things out because we do not know the young girl’s side of the story and it could be very similar to ours. My daughter’s might respond the same way. They had guy friends that didn’t know The Lord yet. My best friend has 2 boys the same age as my daughters and they would come over. They grew up together but are not yet at the same spiritual maturity. They had a different up bringing. It doesn’t mean my girls would reject them because of that.

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