Mail Bag - Blended Family Problems

Transcription

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Debi Pearl:  Papa and I are going to record, so y'all go ahead and shut the door.

Child:  A frog, a frog. I got a frog, look. [laughs]

Child 2:  Don't kiss it. [frog sound]

Announcer:  Lots of kids, blended families, and tough training problems. This week from our Vintage Answers series, Mike and Debi help an overwhelmed parent with problems that many of us have faced.

Michael Pearl:  I'm going to let Deb read this on to us.

Debi:  OK. "Dear Michael and Debi, we have a few questions that I'm finally brave enough to ask. I'm also begging an answer because no one else in our group, our church, or our friends has been able to help us, or to lead us, guide us in a helpful way. God has put it on my heart to seek for help. Though you get right to the point sometimes, you're not judgmental. Here it goes." "My husband and I have been married for eight years. He had two children and so did I. Both two and four at the time. Both spouses of unbelievers who wanted out and had outside relationships."

"At the time our pastors advised us to let them go and we were given blessing when we met and decided to marry. Fairly soon after, we were expecting our own child. It was good because we were having some problems with 'your child, my child' situations. This was a common ground for all of us and made us a family."

"This was also the year I heard about, and started, homeschooling. We both wanted a Godly upbringing for our children. It was about now we realized that we had a great deal of differences about ourselves, raising our children, and our growing faith in God."

"We needed help, but already we had five kids and no one had as many, or more, and no one really homeschooled. 'What was our problem anyway?,' everybody said. We talked, prayed, asked for wisdom, and things would seem to go well for awhile."

"Our eldest son, who is very difficult, seemed to grow worse and my husband's anger toward him grew. I've had to play referee several times. We, or I, would read the books on parenting and found our differences and lack of consistency were our greatest problems."

"Now, here we are. My son is now 13 years old. My husband still has no better way to deal with this particular child. They have small wars at times. We have my ex outside, as well, to interfere and an unthankful, unhappy, rude, rebellious, 13 year old son on our hands, who affects his siblings in mean and unkind ways, although he's not allowed to."

"We make him apologize, or pay back in chores, or other ways. Occasionally, he has outright broken other rules, he'll get swats."

"Now, we have eight children and I am waning. My heart is very much toward my husband. God has led us through a lot, but our household feels like this. We all just nitpick and argue or everybody begrudgingly helps."

"I feel like a taskmaster and I don't hardly ever have any fun with them. Maybe I'm just too busy, or too lazy, or just too serious. We're always told by others how well‑behaved the children are, except for the one son. He's joyless and almost rude if he's spoken to. For the most part, the rest of the children are well behaved."

"Here are the details. During school, they will interrupt often by rudeness, or come ill‑prepared, or argue with one another about seating and such as that. Then, I have to be disappointed in someone and start with, 'You know what's expected of you.' It's just a joy killer."

"Help. I can't fix my husband, but how do I stay consistent with joy? How do I not nitpick? How do I encourage them? I've never been good at encouragement. My husband's military background shows us how we all fall short all the time. I do it, too."

"Help. I want change. My husband wants change. We love our kids. God gave them to us. Please help us do a better job in guiding and loving and nurturing them. I don't want to lose our teenager to anger. We both know he's provoked, but he drives us to rage very often. How do you get more consistent? When do you look the other way? How do you not strong‑arm them into obeying?"

"How do you get willful help? How do we change all that we've ever known? This is much more than first‑time obedience. This is heart problems. My children are so very important, but no one I know knows a better way of dealing with them, and we are almost all first‑generation Christians. Sincerely in Christ, Rachel."

Michael:  All right. [laughs] It's letters like this that make me want to become a house painter. [laughs] Now, Deb, let's look at some of the specifics in this letter. What do you notice here right off?
Debi:  OK, I notice several key statements that she said. She said, "We both wanted a Godly upbringing for our children." That was encouraging to hear, because so many husbands and wives have different opinions about what they want, so we know they're together on this. Then, next key statement that goes down in the letter, it said, "I've had to play referee several times." I would say anytime there is a situation where there's children coming from two sides, the number one mistake mothers make is playing referee.

Even when your husband's wrong, unless it's a matter of putting a child in the hospital or something, you need to let the husband, the new father, be the father. You don't need to ever play referee. You need to allow him to establish his complete authority.

Michael:  The Bible says Paul said in First Corinthians, Chapter 7, he said that concerning marriage, and divorce, and remarriage, concerning remarriage, that they shall have trouble in the flesh. That's unavoidable. In other words, when you have violated what God originally planned or intended there in the Garden of Eden, one man and one woman for life, and you have a second union with a living partner, then Paul warned, you will have trouble in the flesh.

Yes, God will forgive the past, but that's not going to undo the pain of it or the repercussions of it in your present life. Much of the problems that you have here with this older child stems back to the fact that he does have a split authority.

He does have dual authority, and not only that, he knows that this is not his real daddy. The real daddy knows...I mean, the stepfather knows this is not his real son, and more than that, you know it. You probably suspect that your present husband does not love the boy as he should, and so when you intervene, you are denying him the authority over your child.

Your child sees that, and he too resents the authority of this stepfather. You have a situation that is never going to be as it would be in a relationship that is as God originally intended it.

Now, I'm not trying to create guilt in you, or cause you to be despondent over that, but it helps just to face the fact that you're going to have some flesh problems that others are not going to have.

That really, there's nothing you can do about right now, nothing you can do about it. It's too late, you've entered into a situation, which is necessarily going to have some physical problems.

Debi:  OK, the next key I saw in your letter, it says, "He is a unthankful, unhappy, rude, rebellious child, and now he affects his siblings with mean, unkind ways." That is key, that you need to recognize that not only have you raised a thirteen‑year old child, that thirteen‑year old child is now poisoning the rest of the children.

The next key that I see on here, it says, "My heart is very much toward my husband." I would say the reason people can look at your children and say how good and how well‑behaved they are, is because your heart is very much toward your husband.

That is the number one thing a woman has to have, if she's going to have Godly children, and that is her heart is going to have to be very much toward her husband, and so that is the four or five keys that I see in your letter that we need to deal with. We have some practical ideas that we can help you on, which we will discuss.

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Announcer:  Listen again next week as Mike and Debi share those practical ideas that Debi was talking about. Don't forget to check out Cane Creek Corner this week.

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