Mail Bag - Practical Issues

Transcription

[intro music]

Debi Pearl:  Papa and I are going to record, so ya'll go ahead and shut the door.

Children:  The watermelons in the garden are getting big. Do you think they're all ripe?

Announcer:  Welcome back to Vintage Answers. This week we finish up that difficult letter concerning all of those extra troubles that blended families so often face. I'm sure as we listen that much of it applies to all of us.

Michael Pearl:  A lot of it is strictly a matter of attitude. There are a lot of homes that have some nitpicking. My own children begrudgingly helped quite often and you said you felt like the task master. I don't think that's unusual in a home. Parents often get in a situation where they feel like they're slave drivers with their kids. And their kids are, "Oh, Mom, do we have to?" or, "I'm tired," or, "It's his turn," or, "It's her turn," just excuses for not wanting to work. After all, work is pain and children generally are like adults. They don't want to work. If at that point the parent becomes angry or frustrated or bitter or hurt or pitiful or begging or demanding, anything but firm, steadfast, cheerful, and forceful, then the whole home situation's going to deteriorate. When your children are whining and nitpicking, if you are balanced emotionally and you just stand up and say, "Knock it off," or, "Tone it down. Everyone sit up straight. Stop talking. Now look at me. All right. On the count of three everyone gets up."

Then you just give orders like a sergeant. You give them as one in control expecting to be obeyed. If you assume that role of authority, the kids will be happier. One of the problems in this home is lack of authority. The children just realize there's no authority there. They're uncomfortable, they're unhappy when there's no authority. Each one of them is vying for control because Mother's not in control. Daddy's not in control.

Control is a matter of attitude, first. It's not a matter of getting control and then feeling in control. It's a matter of saying, "I'm in control. I'm the authority here." Don't wait until you prove it to yourself or prove it to your children. Just decide. Just make a decision. "I am an authority. I am in control. I am the chief. I'm the boss here."

When you assume that attitude, the children are immediately going to see it. The proof that one is in control is that when things go foul. You don't become angry and reduce yourself to one of the children arguing and bickering back and forth, striving for mastery. When things go astray, you maintain your stability and your dignity as one in authority.

Debi:  Really, your biggest problem is your eldest son. We have some ideas that you can pray about or consider. I would set my oldest son down at the kitchen table with you and your husband both sitting there. I would tell my oldest son, "We have eight children and those eight children are very important to us. And you are one of them, but what you're doing is affecting our other seven children. What we have decided to do is from this point on this is what's going to be expected of you." You tell him that you want him to obey you, to honor you. That you want him to show respect to you and your husband. You want him to be good to the other siblings. Then when he shows rudeness or indifference to what you're saying you tell him, "I've talked to your Daddy," I'm talking about your ex‑husband. "I've talked to him and he understands that we have come to this point in your life and he is standing behind this."

Now you've shocked your oldest son. He now has an authority. He now has three people who have decided to be on the same side. Of course, you're going to have to talk to your ex‑husband and you're going to have to say this is what we're dealing with. He's out of our hands. We made some bad mistakes.

We didn't have a good authority with lying and we've made some bad mistakes and we're going to have to correct them and this is what we're going to do and this is what we're going to expect of him and this is how we're going to deal with it.

When your ex says, "I just don't agree with it," you tell him, "Well, then he's your son. You take him. We've got eight children and we've got to save the other seven. We've made too much of a mess with this one." If you're not going to stand behind him, then he's yours, and you can raise him any way you want to.

Michael:  It couldn't be any worse. You may say, "Well, my ex‑husband is lost." Unless he's a molester, unless he is actually physically violent towards the kid, unless he is a homosexual who lives in a bar, if he is an upstanding abiding citizen, he couldn't be any worse than the present environment. And it's going to get far worse. You do have the other children to consider. Now, this is a surgical method we're suggesting here. This is not a cure for the child. But what you're dealing with in a 13‑year old is basically like an adult. He's beyond the point of spanking. He's beyond the point of you overriding his personality and his will. If he's not willing to cooperate, then you cannot win him over. You cannot persuade him. If you cannot cause him to favor you, cause him to appreciate you. You cannot cause him to want to be a part and to cooperate, then it's a losing battle.

Unless you get his heart, it's too late to function in an authoritative role over this young fellow, especially for a mother. You may have to consider, just saying to them. Real father, you can come get him. There's nothing we can do for him.

If you're willing to do that, and you've come to that point, and he knows that, that may be sufficient to cause him to discipline himself. It may not win his heart immediately, but it may cause him outwardly to force himself to mold to the family structure. And be more generous and keep his mouth shut and be more cooperative externally.

Debi:  When you're sitting your son down at the kitchen table and he recognizes, "Now there is a united front. Now there are three of them, agreed. All three of them are agreed that I have to go live with my real daddy." Or all three of them agree, "Now I've got to walk the chalk line." At least now he has an authority, an agreed front. That is going to all see to it that he does. If he had had this all along, it wouldn't have come to this point. If he decides, if your ex decides that the boy is going to live with him, then the shock to your other children will cause them to sober down. And see that this thing is a serious thing. You need to sit down and talk to your children and say, "I made a mistake. I should have let Daddy deal with him. And I didn't. I didn't do what was right, and now I am going to do it right. We're going to raise you children to where you all be thankful and happy. And where our house is going to honor and glorify God."

And so from this point on, we're going to start a new thing. I'd start having all of them listen to "No Greater Joy, Volume I" tapes at nighttime when they go to sleep. They learn to take pride in their family life, take pride in their brothers and sisters, and who they are, and if they are obedient and kind and considerate. Right now, their morale is down, because they have a bad guy among them.

When the children come to the school table, I would start expecting, and I would stop begging. I'd have a systematic plan where everybody has the same seat every time. That everybody has the same school box, with what they need in it, every time. When a child comes to the table with his schoolwork, if he can't find something, that he's sent away to get his supplies, whatever he's needed, and he's docked.

If he holds the class up 10 minutes, well then he's docked for 30 minutes. He knows for 30 minutes this afternoon, "I'm going to have to clean out cabinets, because I didn't come prepared for class this morning."

30 minutes of his time is going to be taken, and so they'll come better prepared and remember school, don't be the schoolteacher. Be a mom. I'd rather have a joyous, well‑balanced child that can hardly read than a child that can read anything and be a creep. So, remember to keep your perspective.

Be momma, don't be a schoolteacher. Have things organized so you don't have to constantly nitpick about the same thing every day, so that would help control that situation.

Start enjoying your kids. If there's something in your life that is pulling you under, which is including school, then get rid of that thing and enjoy your children. Have a balanced life in that way, so to take some of the stress off your family.

[music plays]

Announcer:  Thanks for listening. I hope it was a blessing. Don't forget to check out Cane Creek Corner for this week's specials.