Transcript from a video done on Facebook
We ladies are different from our men.
But a lot of times, especially with the feminist movement, we ladies want to be equal, or better than the guys. We can’t just be the woman; we want to be up at the top… we don’t want to be underneath our husbands. This issue is about men and women being different. Men think differently, and they certainly behave differently. And for that matter they even smell different. God created a man, he created a woman, and he made us different; it’s basic biology.
Men do everything with a testosterone drive, meaning, big trucks or how much wood can they chop at once. Half of the time we don’t understand why guys do what they do. Why they want the biggest, and the best, and the loudest, and the roughest of everything is because of that big T-drive. God created them to have dominion. Their testosterone makes them need to be in charge. And like Debi says in chapter 11 of Created to Be His Help Meet, the big T is why they invite us along—so we can see how strong and wonderful they are and be impressed. But this is not how it works anymore, and our guys are floundering, trying to please us and find their way.
The feminist movement rubbed off on some of us. I know my mindset was messed up with it, and I know many of you have blurred the line where you want to prove that you can do anything a man can do, only better. I was raised the feminist way. I’m still the first to struggle with it. This was my main struggle in my marriage—years 10, 11, 12. I am telling you that God created us man and woman and if we want a good marriage, we need to let our men be different.
Most women trying to do anything a man can do are just looking for attention. That was me. I was raised in a home with a mom who served/trained with the Army Rangers. That’s tough, right? It is amazing that she could keep up with those men. This tough gal is my stepmom who raised me to be strong.
But back up a few years, before she came into my life… I was raised in a home with domestic abuse. I watched my birth mom being beaten. I watched her man control her, belittle her, keep her in fear; she behaved like a victim because she was. After a few years of seeing that, I moved in with my dad and his new wife. She was the opposite of my birth mom. This tough Army Ranger stepmom taught me that I did not have to be afraid of a man or ever depend on one. After being abused and watching my birth mom being abused, all this sounded good. I never again wanted to go through the hell I had gone through. I didn’t need a man. So you can understand that when I married I didn’t see my husband as my protector. I didn’t view man—whom God created—to be my protector. I came into marriage with the attitude, “I ain’t gonna take anything from anybody.” I didn’t trust my man. I was satisfied that I could handle life with or without him. When I set out on my own marriage journey I was the boss. I was wearing the pants. I didn’t understand or trust my husband’s God-given authority.
We both got saved early in our marriage and began our “saved” marriage journey. Sometimes I think Christian ladies are more inclined to lack trust than non-believers. I am married to a kind, soft-spoken Steady Man. I thought, “He takes too long to make decisions and he’s too passive. He doesn’t pray with us and he’s not leading us in this Bible study.” I had all these things going through my head. I didn’t plan on dishonoring him. If you had said “Do you wear the pants in your marriage?” I would have said, “No! Because I know my role; I know I’m his help meet.” But actions speak louder than words.
Then I read Created to Be His Help Meet, and I knew I did not honor my man. I could clearly see my trust issues. I knew I had those fences up. I had to learn to truly trust God with my life and with my marriage. I’m telling you ladies, when you’re raised where men constantly hurt you, I know it’s hard. I do. But my husband has never hurt me, and he doesn’t deserve for me to put that baggage on him. And I had to (and continue to) make a choice to not place that baggage on him. I know a lot of us have had to go through counseling and different things, but the man you married is typically not the one who wounded you. Don’t project those trust issues onto him when he’s not the abuser.
Learning to trust my husband was the beginning. Letting him lead, hearing the words come out of my mouth, “I fully, 100% trust you with my family, with the decisions that need to be made, with however you feel like we should do,” was giving him back his manhood.
It’s hard to admit that we don’t always make the best choices. And if you’re married to a Visionary (God help you—and he will!) it’s hard to trust some of his choices, because you question whether he can even tie his own shoes! I get it; I’ve seen those situations. If you’re married to a Mr. Steady, like I am, you’re worried that he may never decide, or that he’s indifferent. It just gets you rattled on the inside. Or if you’re married to that Mr. Command Man, you wonder if he’s even thinking about you. Are you even on his radar? It’s all about trust.
Learning to trust is not going to be easy. When I hear Christian ladies tell me, “God isn’t going to give you anything you can’t handle,” I think, Honey, yes he will! Or at least you will think you have been given more than you can stand! There will be situations that are going to be hard. Situations that you don’t know how to handle, where you are crying your eyes out to Jesus, “How can I take one more day? How can I do this one more time?” But that deepens your relationship with Jesus.
Men are ruled by their mind, by logic. Obviously, we’re ruled by feelings, by sensibilities. “Oh, I feel…” God gave us a sensitive side for nurturing and caring for babies and kissing those boo-boos. For many of us, life circumstances have made us hard. But men are attracted to females who need them. Make sure that you need your husband, because I can tell you right now, if you don’t, some other chick will. And it will happen. It almost destroyed my marriage, because in that early stage when we had babies, I didn’t need my husband! I worked in a mechanic’s shop. I could do it all. But guess what—he needed to be needed. There was this cute young thing he worked with who did need him. Anyway, thank you Jesus that we got ahold of ourselves and God got ahold of us. But I’m just telling you, it’s okay to be vulnerable and need your man. That’s the way God designed marriage. Some of us struggle with that more than others.
I am married to a man who doesn’t even want me to change a light bulb. I am not kidding you. My man wants to take care of my every need. I am a princess in a castle in this house. Now, I am a Go-To Girl, and I do not need to wait three months for a light bulb to be changed. I’ve got a ladder and I can do that myself. But no! I’m convinced God has a sense of humor! My man wants to fix that leaky faucet that’s driving me bonkers. He wants to change those light bulbs for me and he wants me to wait. I’ve had these house projects going on for two years that I’m almost certain I could do in my sleep. I’ve played it out in my mind; I know I can do this! But you know what? He says no. He doesn’t want me using his tools, and he doesn’t want me to do the work. He wants to do that for me. And so I wait. Because when he does do it, it’s going to be amazing, it’s going to be perfect, and I’m going to love it.
So let’s flip it. Some of you ladies, your man wants you to grab a chain saw and get right next to him cutting wood and slinging that hammer. If he’s gone and the toilet gets a leak he says, “Why didn’t you fix it? Can’t you replace that? Are your arms broken?” Look at it like this: he wants you capable because he is the Command Man, and he wants to know if something happens to him, that you can do this. It’s that same protector, that same guidance, but it is a different style. He wants to know that you’re protected and that you can work without him. If your husband wants you to learn it all and do it all, you can do that but still reverence him. You can still have that help-meet attitude. Don’t think, “I have to do everything because he wants me to,” but “He is letting me do this because he trusts me.” There’s that TRUST word again.
I think the biggest truth bomb of chapter 11 is that women think their husband isn’t spiritual. “He doesn’t pray with us, he doesn’t go to church with us, he’s not reading the Bible to the children, he’s not teaching me, he’s not pouring into me…” I have said every one of those things and they will take you down. Be an encouragement to your husband. Don’t make him feel guilty, because if you do, he most certainly won’t ever do it. And that was what happened to me and my man in the beginning. I made him feel guilty for not doing “spiritual” things, so he didn’t feel like he was capable. It backfired in my face. So now, when I see my husband sitting at the kitchen table doing the one-year Bible reading, my heart just leaps because I think, “That is a man of God.” He may never tell me one thing he read or even tell the children, but he’s hiding it in his heart. Stop nagging your man to be the spiritual leader of your home. I want you to really think about and embrace that.
I think back to my great-great-grandmother. I have a picture of her in the kitchen with her adorable apron on. And that’s where she spent her days—cooking in the kitchen. She also worked in the cotton fields and then handed the money to my grandpa. When I think of Proverbs 31, I think of her. She just embraced her role like generations and generations before her. Wow, Satan has crept in and corrupted and lied to the women of today. And like Eve, we are deceived. Our marriages crumble around us, we are full of hurt, bitterness, and shame, and we want to blame our man. Be careful whom you are listening to, as they might be like the snake in the garden. Be wary of who influences you. Be cautious who your friends are. It’s not worth your marriage, and it’s not worth your relationship with the Lord. Read his Word and get to know him by how he dealt with people down through the ages. It will sober you when you get your feelings hurt.
Men want to make us happy because it is a mark of their manhood. A lot of times they will go against their good judgment just to shut us up. They desperately want to be the man of God we desire. They desperately want to be that man of the home. They have that ingrained in them. They want us to look at them in a good light. Tonight when he comes home look in his face and tell him, “I am so proud of you, how you take care of us and love us. I am proud to be your woman.” It will build confidence in him. It is your role. Embrace your role as help meet. Trust God in putting you in that role. Trust your husband in his leadership. We, ladies, are learning to lean.