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Go Love Yourself?

June 15, 2011
Man sitting alone on a bench

Dear Pearls,

My wife and I are on different pages. The only thing that is keeping us together is the common goal of wanting the best for our fantastic daughter. When she leaves for university I intend to leave my wife. Am I wrong? Here is the situation:

1) I save; she squanders thousands.

2) I have been faithful. Yet, for most of our 20 years of marriage, she has pushed me away sexually and tells me repeatedly to go to the bathroom for release.

3) She claims I cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect.

4) She does not work. I make a six figure income. We are comfortable, but cannot afford the lifestyle she expects.

5) After work I am expected to help with housework, meals, and laundry, which I do. But the house is always a mess. She is a hoarder. There is a room of junk you cannot even get into.

6) Once she said she was going to report me as being abusive. I told her I would be glad to call the police on myself or report myself to the church. She said to call the church. I did. The church leaders knew the charge was bogus and said they wanted to stay out of the matter.

When my daughter goes to university I intend to give my wife 75 percent of the assets, walk away, and put my daughter through university. Is that reasonable?


Michael Answers:

Since I am hearing only one side of the story, it is impossible to judge in the whole matter, but you have given me enough information to ask some pertinent questions of you and to make a factual observation concerning your wife. The most glaring revelation as to the root of your problem is your statement that, “She claims I cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect.” She reveals that lack of trust and respect, in brushing off your advances and suggesting a disgusting alternative. Her desire to “report you for abuse” suggests she wants outsiders—the government or the church—to acknowledge something she cannot get you to acknowledge: that you have hurt her. Her hoarding suggests she is insecure in her future, although that could be the leftovers of an impoverished youth. Her failure to clean the house indicates a lack of self-respect as well as thanklessness for your lavish provision all these years. It is a slap in your face.


Your wife is deeply pained, broken as a human being, unfulfilled as a woman and very lonely. She blames you. She may not think you are the source of her problems, but, at the very least, she blames you for not being the cure.

Understand that this is not a question of who is right and who is wrong. It is a question of what you can do to heal her of deep hurts and fears. It is obvious that you have been making sacrifices for the sake of your daughter, but are unwilling to make the same sacrifices for your wife. I understand that she has affronted your masculinity and you just want to get away from the hurt. Try to understand her pain and it will invoke compassion in you.

It is very clear that your wife thinks you are duplicitous in your life and commitment to her. You were careful to say, “I have been faithful…for almost 20 years of marriage.” I am assuming that 20 years represents the entire marriage and not just the length of time you have gone without further unfaithfulness. Your characterization of her is typical of a woman that has lived with the shame of being rejected for another woman, or of a woman whose husband has molested his child, or is into pornography.

If none of these are true, the next thing I would consider is, did you create guilt in her by engaging in premarital sex? It is often the case that a highly principled virgin who surrenders to her passions and engages in shameful sex before marriage takes that guilt into the marriage and comes to identify all sex with shame and guilt. The association is missed because the inhibitions are not manifested immediately after marriage. It usually takes several weeks or months for the passion to subside and some additional factor of little consequence to trigger the guilt and cause it to override the passion. Once the guilt threshold is met, the only thing that will remove it is complete confession to each other and expressions of shame and repentance. If she sees you ashamed of your sin, confessing you were wrong, her trust can be restored, knowing that hypocrisy no longer lives in you.

Whether I have tagged the root or not, the key is to get her to open up and express to you why she is angry, hurt, and bitter. She will be reluctant to open up to someone she doesn’t trust, and you can only restore that trust by becoming transparent yourself. She must become convinced that you are no longer the man that hurt her, that you are approachable, that you will not condemn her or shut her out, that you are interested in her as a person, not just for physical intimacy.

So far your entire approach, as expressed in your letter, is to be concerned with your own needs and how you can meet them. You are self-centered, and insensitive. I understand how years of rejection can work on a man, but getting divorced is not going to meet your needs. Your need is in your heart, and you will take that with you wherever you go. You need to listen to my messages Sin No More, listen to the audio Only Men, and watch the DVD Marriage God’s Way.


Debi answers:

Dear John,

You are a wimp, and even in your threat of parting you are not doing what is good for your wife, but what makes you LOOK like the honorable victim. My advice is practical. It involves simple life changes. But until you repent, begin to seek God, study his Word, and honor him, there will not be a soul change. True joy comes from peace with God.

Your wife doesn’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself. She says you “cannot be trusted and have to earn her respect.” I couldn’t respect a man that made love to himself in the bathroom either. Furthermore, she doesn’t like herself any better. She is depressed. Both of you are at fault for the lousy marriage. You are heirs together in this life, and together you share the blame. As the man, it is your responsibility to save your wife from her fear, guilt, and hang-ups. When a man leads his wife in love and goodwill, she usually knows it is in her best interest to follow. On rare occasion, a man’s wife is a harlot or full of bitterness and there is not much the man can do about it, but that is not the issue here.

You neglected to lead! You have allowed a no-win situation to continue for 20 years. From the beginning, you should have helped her grow as a person by putting her in the position of having to learn self-restraint, accountability, and work ethic. These lessons are best learned by being a HELPER. In a good marriage a wife is a help meet—a suitable helper. She is busy helping her husband in his business, trying to save for a joint vision, and basically being his indispensable right-hand woman. Your wife has had none of the above. She was given a position (wife) and never given the glorious victory of helping you become a success. It is enough to take the hope and accountability right out of a lady.

You will need to artificially jump-start her idle drive. But this is only to re-set the situation. After she gets motivated, you will need to make room in your life for her to be a very necessary HELP to you in all areas of your life.

At this point you just want out of your miserable marriage, so I know it is hard for you to believe, but, as many have proven, relationships are so much richer and more satisfying when restored. Once “the grace of life” rules in your marriage, you and your wife will look back a thousand times and give thanks that you chose to fight for your marriage. Both of you will be thankful for the other and for the forgiveness that you have toward the other. It will not be easy, but it is worth the effort. At first it will cause hard feelings, but if you show dignity and honor she will come to see that what you are doing is out of good will and is best for her and your marriage.

My radical answer is a response to the radical direction you say you are headed—divorce. Your wife needs to learn what she should have learned years ago. You have enabled her to be disrespectful by tolerating her abhorrent behavior, which is probably due to your own guilt of knowing she is reacting to your sin. Sin begets sin.

First, you need to deal with your own sin. She needs to see you are seeking to walk in truth before God and man. Openly admit you have been wrong and are seeking to set right the things you have blotched. Make sure she hears you listening to Sin No More. After a few months of your changing she will begin to believe you are seeking to honor God; then she will not fight you when the correction to your marriage begins to affect her.

Take her out to eat one evening to a nice place. While there, explain to her that you know that your sin of not walking in truth and not being a leader has not been good for her. Tell her you sought advice and have diligently been seeking to honor God in all that you do. Tell her you were advised to do several things; some of which will affect her.

Tell her you have closed all your credit card accounts and are now paying them off. If she wants a credit card it will be in her name only. Tell her to establish a bank account in her name so she can pay off her own card as it comes due. Ask her how much money she thinks you should put in her account monthly. Explain that the agreed amount will be set in stone. You are doing this for two reasons. The first is to help you get control of your bad habit of looking over her shoulder and nitpicking at what she is spending. The second is so she can learn to live within her means. If during the coming months she needs more allowance, then suggest that she get a part-time job. Remind her how smart and capable she is. She will need to see you have her good in mind.

The evening of your talk concerning the money, bring up the housekeeping issue. Tell her a messy house really disturbs you and when you come home from working all day you are just too tired to clean it. Talk about the idea of hiring a housekeeper two days a week. If the housekeeper idea doesn’t work, you might have to set up an area of the house that is yours.

For twenty years, your wife has felt that she is a loser. And in fact, she is. So are you. As heirs together in the grace of life, the only living sign that either of you have succeeded is your daughter. You think your daughter will not need her mama and daddy after she goes to college, but you are wrong. Her world is about to expand and more than ever she will need both of you as a compass. A broken compass always points in the wrong direction.

You think you can just divorce the “loser” and marry again and everything will be just wonderful, but that is not true. You are half the problem, and as such you will always be that same problem, only with a different lady who has other problems. Sadly, you can’t divorce yourself. It is much better to face these hard issues head-on and deal with all the emotional turmoil and fighting that will occur until the two of you grow up.

Your wife will find all this change disturbing yet stimulating. She might step up and decide she likes being married and start acting like she is a wife with a man who is, after all, a real man. With a few nice compliments and a little encouragement she might do the right thing. I suspect she has goodwill toward you, but she appears to be a little lazy and self-centered. This fault can easily be fixed with some motivation and should have been fixed long ago. So don’t think of quitting, but instead start planning how you can bring your lady alongside you and keep her there.

The two of you are heirs together. Is it grace you are inheriting or defeat? Your daughter is a direct heir of the life you and your wife create together. What will she take into her marriage? Will it make her a better wife? Will she be a happier person because of the love she has seen in her parents? It is past time to do the right thing.

The suggestions I have made are only a beginning, a hint at the direction you should take. There will be surprises and adjustment required. Don’t stop here. Get your wife involved in your life, your work, and your interests. Find her an exercise class; study health and herbs together; encourage her to volunteer with the elderly or teach Sunday school. If she is handy with crafts then talk with her about helping in a preschool art class. See if she is interested in going to back to school to study something that would help you in a side business, and then start a business. Be sure to have a hobby together. Plan a mission trip abroad to change your life’s vision and be heirs together in the grace of life. Life is too short to miss a single day.

Let her know that she is in fact, the love of your life. You need her. You bless the day she came to you. You think she is beautiful. You are amazed how feminine she is after all these years. Mush, mush, and more mush. Women love it if they can only believe you mean what you say. Every woman longs to be cherished, and every loved woman wants to bless her man.


• Pray for your spouse’s wisdom, peace of mind and that their heart would be set on the Lord
• Read:

  • 1 Corinthians 13
  • Ephesians 5:25–33

• Watch:

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• Buy:

  • Roses

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27 comments on “Go Love Yourself?”

  1. I usually am in agreement with your answers. Your reply to this fellow lingers on the side of insanity unless you are privy to more than what he stated.I have done more than my fair share of counseling and of late more and more of this kind of wickedness is happening. Twice this same type of scenario has happened to men I know. Never would I take up for a pervert and never have I advocated divorce. Having read lots of NGJ material I have found yall’s ministry biblically sound.However,don’t fall into the IFB teaching of always assuming the man is at fault. I know of a preacher that was pretty much “called down”in front of the congregation for what was slanderous lies that his wife spread. The word of God can’t be improved on when counseling against divorce. I detected your looking for shock value in answering this guy. Sometimes wicked wives need to be answered as Job stated”you speak as one of the foolish women”. A man with a Godly wife sometimes can’t fathom how mean some women are. This world of Oprah trained women are a different breed. Some are demonic. When dealing with marriage problems use righteous judgment or you might be in the company of Jobs friends. Their counsel sounded good but it was WRONG.

    1. Sir,
      If you have read a lot of their stuff you should already know they usually speak to the writer of the letter of their faults and shortcomings. They do not pat them on the back and tell them how sad their lot is. They say here try this or have you looked at it from this perspective and usually turn their whinnying back on themselves.

      If this would have been the woman writing they would have chewed her up and spit her out all the same. The point they try to drill is how to do YOUR part to fix your marriage instead of having a pity party

  2. They are right on point. It is of no value to give advice to someone who is not asking for it (the wife). God is so powerful, he is working in this man, that is why he is seeking Godly advice. God will work in his wife through him. The Pearls are NOT telling him it is all his fault, but he needs to look at as though it is all his fault, so he can focus on his sin not hers. If she had written the letter about the same stuff they would have talked to her. They are SO right on! Thanks Pearls! I am blessed by you.

  3. Brad:

    I completely understand where you are coming from. But as a girl with a mother much the same as these awful wives, I KNOW our gracious Lord can bring restoration. He has to my family! After 15 years, she is a new gal. I am in agreeance that the women who make up our culture are more like Jezebel than Christ, but the responsibility of the husband has not changed. The man is the head of the woman. All things are possible through the Lord! On judgement day, I don’t think excuses about a selfish wife are going to stand for why there was divorce in the home and resentment in the kids. The husband’s job is to love her, protect her, provide for her, correct her. He is her head, and the Lord is his. She needs him! Why such doubt in our Lord’s beautiful plan for the family? I have seen my father pray fervently for submission in my mother. He never backed down on his responsibility to teach her or love her. Much of her lack of reverence resulted from medications and a rough upbringing, but that did not excuse her choices of how she spoke to us or my father. My father is a strong man, never surrendering to her, always acting calmly. His strength amazes me! After years of praying for my father to love her uncontrollably, he did, and she is a different woman today. The Lord is good. He is perfect. So is His WORD. He hates divorce. He loves unity. Why the lack of faith in His having an answer to any dilemma? Especially regarding the relationship that most closely represents our relationship with Christ…marriage. I trust him. Won’t you? Don’t be defeated by the evil women of today. They break my heart, too (I’m 23.) Encourage STRONG men, as WELL as submissive women! The Lord can do all things!

    Love and peace, brother.

  4. John,
    I am distressed to read about your 20 year tribulation and that you see divorce as the only solution. Certainly your wife has issues she must deal with and changes she must make in her life. You can only hope to help her through prayer and by changing yourself. Sometimes there are things we do or say that cause harm without our knowledge. We must ask God to reveal them to us and help us change. I have heard many testimonies of desperate people seeing their lives completely turned around. Please use whatever resources you can find to save your marriage. This ministry is one of those. Another is and their conferences.
    With God’s help you can win your wife’s heart.
    Feel free to email me at [email protected]

  5. What a surprising and refreshing answer. I watched my in-laws divorce three years ago over the same issues of self-centeredness you mentioned here. My husband their son said so many of the things to them you said here but niether one wanted to give up their rights. I am proud of my husband and so grateful that he is a man, a good leader and has done all those things for me. I certainly did not come into our marriage with the best habits as a wife but he did all the things you have said and I have flourished for the first time in my life. His love, practical honesty and support have done wonders.

  6. It seems to me that this man has given his mind over to fault finding. The list he created is one that likely he’s been compiling and reviewing in his thinking for years. Perhaps 5 years ago he did not realize harboring such thoughts would lead to a plan of divorce. What a trap. I wonder if he started by simply capturing his thoughts and making them subject to Christ for a good week… and every time he thought of his wife or his situation, instead of rehashing all her faults and his poor position, he instead THANKED GOD for the blessings he has. Thanked God for his wife. And thanked God that He can enable him to love her as Christ loves the church… It requires some faith, that God will answer such requests in him, but I think that might be a good way to cut off the tide of toxic, self-centered thoughts occupying his mind. And God can do amazing wonders in just a week’s time!

  7. Alexa and Aletha, I too think the NGJ ministry is a wonderful thing in this ungodly time. To say we should receive everything taught by everyone is spooky. We are to judge right on all matters. Ananias and Sapphira died separately. Alexa stated the husband’s responsibility perfectly(love,protect,provide,correct,etc). I would definitely agree. These are easily spouted off today by secular and “religious” sources. They are biblical so therefore they are right. I have never advocated divorce even when the ruin of a person was surely gonna result by staying married. Most of the problems we deal with on this matter come from being unequally yoked or both having never been converted to Christ. I have watched saved men try to deal with unbeiving wives and usually without fail he is hammered by the one he goes to for help(I never said the guy that wrote this was saved).The Bible takes more liberty than I do. It says let the unbeliever depart. I have seen children watch dad get slaughtered by Pastors who hold to this same view. You get lots of Amens from the Eliphazes and Bildads who have no idea why God allows such.The children know bad judgment and the hurt is deep. To start council with “Dear John, Your a wimp” might put the counselor in shoes I wish not to wear. I thank God for the Godly wife that I married. She possesses attributes that could only come from Christ. Some men are dealing with women possessed. Alethia and Alexa, The Pearls seemingly are Godly people and I love them in Christ.I don’t have to agree with them and having a public ministry I’m sure they don’t expect such.A lot of people are offended when someone doesn’t agree with people they hold in high regard. I hold them in high regard. Bro. Pearl wrote an article on pornography that was harsher than most could stand. It needs to be on the front page of every major newspaper(my opinion) but the difference is this guy wrote for advice.

  8. to John,

    Both responses are extremely insightful and needed. Honesty spoken in love, no matter how difficult to hear is always better than soft words or easy answers. Growing up without a father, I know the affect that such a situation has on an individual (no matter how old), which is why divorce is so satanic. I thank God for the plethora of good, faithful married couples that I’ve been fortunate to learn from, and would encourage you, John, to do all it takes to save your marriage. I’ve come to learn that there isn’t a single thing in this world that the grace of God cannot overcome. Your marrital issues, if handled God’s way will serve as a testament of God’s faithfulness and will inevitably bring you joy unspeakable.

  9. Wow! I usually agree with the Pearls, but not this time! As a wife that has endured almost 20 years of sexual refusal, I completely feel for this man. You cannot imagine how difficult it is for the person to which you are committed tells you to “take care of it yourself”. It is extremely degrading. Not to mention this woman’s other self-centered attitudes. I do not normally advocate divorce, but in this situation I might. He needs to find a wife that will appreciate him and treat him like a man! To put this off on him as if it is all his fault is just shameful!

  10. I think the Pearls may be more right than some commenters here are giving them credit for. While I do not agree with all of their advice either, this situation is very familiar to me, and it sounds like their advice and observations are accurate.

    Reading between the lines – his wife is not sexually responsive, doesn’t trust him, aqnd has accused him of abuse. He goes to the bathroom for “release”, and makes a point of letting his wife know about it. This really does seem like there may be pornography or other issues, which often go along with emotional, if not physical, abuse.

    The hoarding and overspending can both by symptoms of depression, either natural or induced by living situations. They may be a result of feeling insecure in her relationship, like her husband doesn’t really care for her and won’t provide for her. Maybe she senses that he despises her and intends to abandon her as soon as their daughter is out of the home.

    Debi’s advice is spot on. I’m so similar to the wife in this situation, and I would love it if my husband was to take over the finances, hire a maid or organizer to help me get the house straight so I can maintain it, and encourage me to get a hobby or more involved in the activities (part of the depression/hoarding thing and part of abuse is being isolated and not having outside interests). I’m going to send this to my husband as see if it reflects how he feels (I think it does, in part) and ask him to read the advice.

  11. I’m in a similar situation with my husband. I’m a dutiful wife though, clean house, take care of kids and husband. But, I’ve lacked therein the emotional and physical intimacy department. My husband over the course of 11 years has been into pornagraphy off and on. & most recently, while I was visiting family, he got caught in the middle of an emotional connection with my own friend. That being put aside, we’ve been discussing many, many things in our marriage. While the emotional connection has been difficult, I’ve given that to God! I have forgiven it on my part. But, in light of that, it has brought on so much pain and emotion for me to realize I have not been a “pleasing” wife. I dearly LOVE my husband, and he loves me, but right now, he’s not “in-love” with me and he is very distant. He has allowed his heart to be hard toward me, our pastor and friends. Yes, I know he feels guilty for some things, but he knows what’s right & he knows what’s wrong. Until he can be completely delivered from this sin of porn, I don’t know what to do but pray and show him my love. God has given me so much grace & for that I’m so thankful. I finally realize my faults and I see where it has brought us. But, I also know it takes 2 to tango and my husband is as much responsible for our trials today as I am. So, please pray for us. You do not know us, but I do believe that God will work this all for his greater good. And I believe in our marriage, hands down!

  12. To the commenters who said things to the effect of, “I can’t believe y’all are blaming it all on him,” they didn’t. Did you overlook the parts where they said she was half the problem because she has issues? And to “I don’t agree it’s always the man’s responsibility” kind of comments, it is. He is responsible for the well-being of his wife, mentally and spiritually, for her protection, her health, her life, and her fulfillment as his wife. He vowed to uphold that responsibility at the marriage alter. And she is responsible for his mental well-being, his health, and his fulfillment as her husband. One cannot make the other happy, as that is an individual’s choice. But they can certainly share and enhance each other’s happiness. All that said, it is *he who is *asking for advice, not she. Therefore, the Pearls told him what he needs to do to save his marriage! If she had asked, they would have hit her just as hard (actually, maybe harder, since she seems to have more problems). They would have told her what her husbands hurts are, how she has hurt him, and told her those are her responsibilty to care for and help heal. Anyone asking for advice for a marriage with problems so severe as for one of them to “intend of getting a divorce” is desperate for *real advice and help. It is never God’s will for a couple to divorce, save for from an unrepentant fornicator. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and *gave Himself for it!* That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing: but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love thier wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. …and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” Ephesians 5:25-28, 33 (and Many other passages concerning marriage). I hope he took their advice! I’m interested in knowing how their marriage is after all these months. (Side note: I am 20 years old, will soon be engaged to the Prince I’ve waited for my whole life, and do not anticipate many problems in our marriage as he is The sweetest, most gentle, godly, hard-working young man I know, and I am absoLutely determined to be The best, submissive, hard-working, loving wife I can be! But all that, and so much more!, doesn’t mean we won’t have to work to have the wonderful marriage we foresee. I’m so grateful to have the Pearls to help define biblical principles for our family!! =D God bless you all!)

  13. Emily, Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I pray it is Christ honoring. All scripture you used is absolutely right. Every quote you used is no quote at all. When you quote people take pangs to ensure you use their words. False quotes are sophistry and nothing else. Fault and responsibility are two different things. A husband is responsible for his families spiritual and physical well-being. Fundamentalist (I am one) too often are guilty of assuming that “Shock and Awe”is the way to deal with everything. Telling a lost man to wash his lost rebellious wife in the water by the word is like telling me to send the IRS a Christmas bonus. In a few short years this fellow will stand before Christ either pardoned or condemned. He should be told to repent and believe the gospel. Several months ago I spent countless hours with a man in this same type situation. The only difference is the wife was telling him that she was gonna divorce him when their son graduated. A former minister friend’s wife admitted to him 4 adulterous affairs. Who do you think was faulted? I think you know. The only council most fundamentalist know is to rip the husband apart. Keeps the preachers in good standing with women and feminine men. The biblical family can only work if both are willing to submit to God’s word. The pearls probably have some of the best advise available for families,but seemingly lost people are not to be dealt with like this. The adulteress caught in the very act was not told by Christ “Martha(or whoever) your a whore. When you and I are in heaven someday and the fellow whom asked for advise,along with his wife are in the lake of fire, I doubt seriously that we will smuggly bask in our wonderful advice. There are some nasty situations in some marriages and apart from Christ we really don’t have a perfect answer. When we get to heaven,you,I,and the Pearls will probably find we were not really that smart. Love you in Christ, Brad

  14. Thank you, Brad, we’re downright determined it will be! 🙂 I disagree with nothing you said. As for the quotes, I quoted no one specifically, hence the “comments to the effect of…” and “…kind of comments,” summarizing their points. You’re right about fault and responsibility being two different things, yet since we can’t see this couple we don’t know whose fault it is, or if it is both their faults. I just meant that because it was him asking for help, and not her, they gave him advice *he could use, along with other possible attempts, to help save their marriage, if possible. The rest is up to her. I think Mrs. Pearl went way over-board. It certainly is not the man’s full responsibility if his wife sins and/or goes nuts on her own, and I didn’t mean to make it sound as if that is what I believe. I should have expounded or clarified that I think it is each of their responsibilities to *try their best and give their all to uphold and help their mate – the Pearl’s advice. I don’t know, but maybe he hasn’t truly been giving his all for his dear wife. Even if he has, her sins are not his responsibility to curve, but he could still take this advice as a last-resort attempt to help her. This is my last comment. I hope she got helped and her problems have been resolved, one way or another. By Grace, Emily

  15. I believe John had probably allowed his daughter to take first place in his life when she was born, over the relationship with his wife. After being placed 2nd in his life, I believe she has reacted as a woman with a perpetually unfaithful husband would act. Unfortunately, I have seen this scenario play out in a friend’s marriage that ended in divorce when the daughter was grown. The dad almost always took the daughter’s side in any disagreement with his wife and the daughter got *almost* everything she wanted. He rarely backed his wife up when dealing with this daughter.

  16. This is an extension of my comment above. I think John’s wife is doing everything in her power to try to get John to pay attention to her and realize that she is crying for the love and care and attention that he is bestowing on his daughter.

  17. This is a hard situation, and marriage problems can be so complicated, especially after 20 years, that to give an entirely correct and thorough answer would be impossible. I think the Pearls did a great job of pointing out what each partner could do to make things better.

  18. I disagree with the Pearl’s response here. I would be suspicious of a personality disorder in the wife. To me it seems as if the husband is the victim of abuse here. He is stepping in and helping with what most would be considered her responsibilities so he is trying. He has lost hope and is trying to save himself from years of abuse. I’m guessing there may be some he has left out like her raging. We already see she refuses to accept boundaries with finances. . I’m sure there is a lot fear, obligation and guilt she has put on him and he has accepted. We often label the one who files as the “bad guy” but it is somethines it that they have tried everything and finally seek the legal protection of the state from an abuser. Male abuse is often insidious and not clear to outsiders right away.

  19. I agree with Tim!! hehe!! thank you Lord that you are dealing with our sinfulness everyday…you want a kingdom full of sons and daughters perfected by this evil world and our evil hearts!! Amen Jesus can do it!!

  20. Was sent this link by a friend, wow debi’s advice was hard to get through the first paragraph just shocking think you need to pray for grace, clearly you do not have either the depth or the wisdom to comment on such matters. A credit card in her name! So she can rack up debt. And all this is somehow the guys fault. What happens when your magic wand of advice doesn’t work?

  21. This advice was pretty harsh, but I can see what the pearls are saying.

    I noticed something else to that they didn’t mention. This man stayed married for 20 years! If it was really so bad why stick around so long? Yes, he said his daughter. Well, that means the woman must have been a pretty good mother then. If not why keep her around for the daughters sake? So her laziness was directed only at her husband which leads me to believe the Pearls are right, that he must have done something that makes her not trust him.

    This email is full with blame, blame, blame. He paints himself the perfect saint, yet he’s abandoning his wife. Isn’t that an odd thing to do? He said he was just going to run away and just leave. Why not have a divorce? Usually if a spouse runs away it’s the wife because she’s being physically attacked and fears for his life. Does he fear for his life? Why not have a normal divorce.

    Why would he give her 75% of his assets? That’s insane! It’s got to be guilt over something. What person in there right mind is going to give someone who they just claimed made their life hell for 20 years 75% of the assets? especially when he says she doesn’t work and probably didn’t add to it. This guy is screwy. He’s going to abandon this woman, just run away from her but he wants to give her more then half his money? He’s not running AWAY he’s running to something (or someone). The 75% is a way for him to try to shake his guilt and it sounds like he’s really guilty, if that’s the case.

  22. Horrible advice! John is doomed! Am I glad I have learned how not to attach my emotions to a female. I stay focused on me and my needs. Works very well for me! :~)

  23. Love each other no matter what the other one has done to you!! Even if it never changes the other person!! Who cares!! Honor God and quit following the folly of feelings!!

  24. To all the people who are saying that what Debi said was harsh:
    The Pearls tell the truth just like it is, and when someone asks for help, they tell him what he can do. If it’s harsh, it’s because maybe it needs to be.