We have three sisters who live in our area. They are blessed to have a very wise and caring older brother. I know this to be so, because once in a while he will send word that one or all of his sisters are to show up at his church (an hour’s drive from their home) or to some social function. The girls once explained to me that when their brother gets to know Godly young men, he sets up scenarios for his sisters to meet these possible suitors. So far, none of the sisters (all under 20 years old) have found spouses, but no doubt they will, because their brother is looking out for them.
About now, most of you are probably asking, “What about their dad? Shouldn’t that be his responsibility?” Maybe, maybe not, especially for the search part of it. Consider this: In this particular case, the brother is in the same age bracket as the potential suitors. He will get to know the guys in many situations, including when their guard is down. And, when it comes to arranging a meeting of the guys with the girls, he is not nearly as scary as Dad would be. The potential suitor would be more comfortable working through the brother to arrange a casual meeting with a sister than he would working with a dad who might make too much out of the young man’s agreement to meet one of his girls.
Most young men would like some time to get to know the girls without being put through the wringer immediately and without making a commitment to the father before they are sure they even like the girl. Due to the current conservative, complicated courtship hoops through which young men are expected to jump in order to get a sweetie, many homeschooled young men are opting out. They are finding their spouses outside the “courtship pool,” leaving a lot of young girls unsought after and twiddling their thumbs at home, waiting for someone who is off fishing in easier waters.
All three of our girls, Rebekah, Shalom, and Shoshanna, got to know their prospective spouses due to their brothers’ previous acquaintance with them. Gabe was always actively checking out guys. As he got to know the young men, he informed us of their potential. Most of them did not meet with his approval, and that pretty much settled it for us. Gabe might in passing say that this guy is lazy. Yuck…who wants a lazy son-in-law? Occasionally he would say, “I like that guy. He works hard and seems to have genuine love for God.” The unsuspecting fellow automatically got placed on our “potentials list.” When opportunity presented itself, I invited him to dinner and treated him real nice. Of course, most of the young men that we surveyed never knew what we were up to, but neither did they ever ask for one of our girls. Just think what they MISSED!
Scores of young men asked for Shalom. She was gentle, cute, hard-working, and always cheerful, in addition to being the most compliant girl you have ever met. But before they ever made it to our door to talk to Daddy Mike, most of them were already discounted as possibilities. Gabe or Nathan had seen to that with their reports. Big brothers were watching out for their sisters, especially the sweet one.
Of course, the sisters also tried to return the favor. They visited and got to know girls the brothers would mention. “She’s moody; strike her out. She’s lazy; zip. She talks bad about her daddy; boo on her. She’s cheerful; check her out.” Mike tried to help the boys by bringing girls in to visit or sending them off to meet girls, but his taste in females and our boys’ taste in females were never the same. Dad struck out as the matchmaker every time. I didn’t do much better, although I kept trying, bless my ever-loving heart.
I guess the moral to this tale is—Brothers, do your duty! If you have older unmarried sisters…shame on you. Get out and meet some men who might be a proper match for your sisters. Invite them home, plan a big feed. Talk to your sisters. Talk PLAIN, bold and direct with them. Tell them what each guy likes and dislikes, his dreams and his ambitions, his taste in food and styles. Talk to your guy friends. Say something like this, “Hey, you looking for a bride? I got four sisters and would consider it a privilege for you to drop in and take your pick. My parents trust my judgment and I’m giving you high marks. Of course, my sisters are picky, and they have the last word, but I’ll throw in a good word for you with them, too. Now, the oldest sister is kinda bossy, but she always gives in after a little persuasion. She’s the smartest. So if you think you would enjoy a little challenge but get a good mate for the extra effort…she’s your gal. My next sister is not so cute, but she is the nicest of the bunch. Whoever gets her will do well, because she already makes a pile of money in her business. Then, maybe you like loud mouths. My third sister is for sure, but she can make everybody laugh. She is the life of the party. I have to admit, I like taking her with me when I travel because she gets to know everyone so easy. You’re kinda quiet, so she might be the best for you. My youngest sister is still too young for marriage, so just forget about her unless you want to go on her list of possible guys for when she gets a little older. If you’re interested in her, I can e-mail you in three or four years. So how about it…wanta check out the fam? I got four other guys coming Sunday for brunch, so you better hurry if you want the pick of the litter.”
Perhaps you think I am a pretty bold old lady. You just might be right. Then again…maybe I’m a smart, bold old lady. But what I do know positively is that I have ended up with five good sons and daughter-in-laws and 15 grandkids with many more to come—no old maids or sons living at my home!
Love, marriage and the baby carriage make life so sweet. Wise up, you brothers. A bunch of good sisters are sitting at home somewhere waiting…and waiting…and waiting.
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Dear Mrs Pearl,
I appreciate what your saying, but it seems to me there's more to life for a girl to sit around waiting for a man to ask them to be their wives. Get up girls and get involved in God's plan for you!
Dear Mrs. Pearl,
I believe that you are mistaken about the century we are living in. Women are no longer passive creatures barred from social interactions and situations where they may meet the man (or woman) of their dreams. While the notion of having a caring sibling aiding in improving the social and familial life, if this aid is not specifically requested, it crosses the line into "creepy arranged marriage"-- particularly at the mention of the "My youngest sister is still too young for marriage, so just forget about her unless you want to go on her list of possible guys for when she gets a little older. If you
Ms. Catherine and Ms. Helen, I believe you missed the point of the article. Mrs. Pearl was not saying that a girl should sit and wait for a suitor, nor was she saying that our girls today should be passive. Her article was aimed at the brothers of good Christian young ladies. A brother should be there for his sisters and get the "inner scoop" on guys for them. The sister and her brother should have a close understanding of the needs of one another to be able to help each other out in this very important life decision. It is in no way an arranged marriage. I would dare say that most mistakes in this area could have been prevented had brother and sister had this kind of relationship. I sure wish I had had an older brother looking out for me during this time.
Yep-I like that idea-but uh-I dont see that many girls waiting around for marriage...Where are they all???!!!
See comment below to Tonto
I'm with Caleb, I haven't seen any women looking to get married. Most the women I see are looking for a free handout, not a decent caring man that would expect more from them than sitting at home waiting for the welfare check. If there are decent women out there wanting a decent man- where are they? Where can I find them?
I assure you that godly women exist, and not all of them are just sitting waiting! Many are involved in different ministries, some are in colleges etc. You just have to look!
As an article written to young ladies I read once said: "Yes, its true you are uncommon. But so are diamonds."
I highly recommend going to the discussion forum for Preparing to Be a Helpmeet (written by the Pearls). Even though it is targeted to women it can give you some ideas as to where these women are... there are many encouraging testimonies as well as ones to learn from. The Pearls are also writing a new book I hear called In Search of A Help Meet. I'll leave it at that, because the Preparing site has so much to say on this subject!
My brothers are really nice and say it is their pleasure to keep their eye out for me! I love them! They are so special.
I want to begin by writing this email with the utmost respect for you. I have read your book, Created To Be His Helpmeet, and learned a thing or two about being a woman.
However, I do have a thought I'd like to share with you. After I graduated High School and went to college, I was looking for my mate. I'm now 29 and have spent most of my 20's with the idea, "I need to find my mate". After 25 I began getting discouraged, wondering what was wrong..... where was my man?? Then, it hit me. My main goal in life is NOT to find a husband, my main goal in life is to glorify the Lord. Yes, as a married woman one glorifies the Lord in that role, but if you are not married does that mean your only goal is to look for a man? No!!
This article gives the perspective that the only goal for women is to marry. I'm 29, I have a great job, I have a great family, I have wonderful Godly friends, and I devote a lot of time to ministry in my church and Bible Camp. Yes, my 2 Godly brothers look out for a guy for me, but they do something more valuable. My brothers ENCOURAGE me. They encourage me in my job, they encourage and give me tips for ministry, and they give suggestions for making more Christian friends. Since I don't have a nuclear family of my own, they make sure I get valued time with their kids. They call me at night, color me pictures, and my brothers tell me cute stories of when my nieces and nephews remember me. It's awesome!!
In closing, I want to encourage you to spread the message to single girls that they need to focus on glorify God, and tell brothers to help them do so. It's not just about getting married.
Thank you for your article! I am one of the Godly Christian women that has tried waiting and tried being more aggressive. Regardless, I am still single. I find that sticking to my morals (wanting someone of similar/like faith that is serious about their faith, wants a big family, and believes in traditional family roles) is nearly impossible to find these days. I have asked my married Christian brothers and sisters to help, and they tell me they will pray for me. Not that I don't appreciate the prayers, but I had more than that in mind. When I ask Christian friends for help, they tell me to look at church or join a Christian dating site. There are only married men at my church and the dating site guys are unwilling to wait until marriage for the three-letter intimacy, don't want kids, want to date for fun, or something of that nature. It is harder than a lot of people think. I don't do the bar scene and it isn't happening through church. Where does that leave me? Please add me to your prayer list, and I welcome any matchmaking help that ANYONE has to offer. Please notify me of followup comments. I forgot to check the box before submitting.
Hi Sue. I encourage you to come to the Smokey Mountain Shindig at the Ridgecrest Conference Center in Black Mountain, NC September 10-14, 2014. There were over 2,200 people at the 2013 Shindig in Missouri, including over 400 single young adults. There are over 1,900 registered so far this year including over 120 single young adults (most the singles wait until the last minute to register). The Shindig is an excellent opportunity to meet like-minded families and individuals. There are several married couples as a result of the 2012 Shindig! You may meet a special someone or the person or family that eventually introduces you to someone. Learn more about the Shindig on the our website.
I think Debbie is doing a great job in teaching these young ladies according to scripture. I was amazed to see how well versed and the genuine appreciation for God loving men. I saw lovely Kirsten speak of in the videos with Debbie. Keep up the good work.
We have 2 daughters and 2 sons who all are busy with their jobs- all kind, careful people who love the Lord, would make great husbands/fathers wives/mothers, and would love to get married. It is difficult in a very rural area, and they are making efforts to expand their circle of friends, but it takes a lot of driving! Listen- don't be so hung up on entertainment and texting on your cell phones that you pass up real life and leave a potential huge blessing out of your life!
Your family NEEDS to come to a shindig! There are hundreds of like-minded families/individuals there, and it is an encouraging time of fellowship! Mike and Debi will be at the next shindig on September 27-30 in Mississippi, and there are others throughout the country! You can find more info about upcoming events here: http://digashindig.com/
Hi Mrs. Pearl,
With all due respect, I don't think singleness is being spoken about enough, when it has a very large portion in scripture. The Apostle Paul actually encourages congregations to remain single. Look at how Priscilla is lauded by Paul - a female merchant! The danger is that a lot of people can end up idolizing marriage, and we don't want that. Marriage is wonderful, but so is holy singleness.
Look at what Paul says here:
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do." (1 Cor 7:8)
"Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." (1 Cor. 7:25-28)
"I would like you to be free from concern...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." (1 Cor. 7:32-35)
Not trying to be contentious, but I think we seriously need to talk more about the gifts and calling of singleness regarding our young ladies. This calling is just as blessed by the Lord!
Thank you for your comment! If you would put together an article describing the ministry that singles can have, and the help/blessing they are to families, we would be interested in considering it for publication!