Is there such a thing? Or would/could you class it as a part of a persons character? How do you tell the difference between (innocent?) flirting and interested? What if said male person treats all women around (young and old) in the same manner…. could it then be that he is a ‘natural’ flirt or is that when it is part of their character?
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Some people are more outgoing and friendly, and that can often be taken as flirting. Maybe this is what you are referring too? Of course, then there’s just point-blank flirting, but I’m not talking about that – just always putting themselves out for other people, and the like.
First, I don’t believe it’s “natural” for someone to flirt. It’s annoying and you’re blaring to everyone how low your self-esteem and confidence is. Secondly, there is no “innocent” flirting. As for the last question, I would probably say that is the guy’s character but I’d need to know more.
I think some of it has to do with a person’s character. My sister is very outgoing, talking, laughing and joking with everybody- girls, guys, little kids and old ladies. She also is very open and I would say blunt about finding a husband. Not discreet at all- but she isn’t discreet in most areas. I’m not saying that to be mean, just saying that boldness and humor are her strengths and with those strengths come weaknesses. I think there are quite a few Mr. Steadys out there that like her for that, and I have told her before that she comes across as interested in guys when she’s not.
But then I am the quieter type that “flirts” with smiles and eye contact, so I interpret a guy approaching me and starting a conversation and teasing me
as flirting. If I did that, it would be basically proposing marriage. It makes things really hard to figure out though. There is this really outgoing guy we know (he’s basically the male version of my sister) who picks on me and talks to me a lot. I can’t figure out if he likes me or if that’s just the way he is. He has no reservations about randomly starting a conversation with me or sitting next to me or texting me. I’m not saying it happens all the time, just that it does and that is unusual for me. I wish he would be more clear about his intentions, for my sake. I have 5-6 other guy friends and this is not a problem with them. I’m not sure if they like me or not (I have a hard time believing that guys can be “just friends”) but at least I’m not pulling my hair out wondering.
Great question.
I sound a bit like your sister! I used to have a problem with coming across as flirty with NO clue it looked that way until my mom mentioned it and now I am much better!
Really? You had no clue you were coming across as a flirt? Wow! Thx for sharing!
I think that is a part of their character… believe me I should know. I have quite a few brothers. lol
I was just thinking about this recently. I think some guys are just naturally more friendly, outgoing and prone to teasing. If a guy treats all women of all ages in such a manner, I would say it’s just his personality. Though it can certainly be overdone and if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to mention to him that you don’t like it. But if a guy only treats eligible girls his own age that way or one girl in particular, I’d say it’s safe to assume he’s actually flirting.
Here’s an example: The bank I go to has two branches in town. I quit going to one of them because there was a male teller there who was extremely “friendly” and flirtatious. Every time I went there, I left feeling insulted and disrespected. On the other hand, one of the guys who works at the front desk of the gym I go to is sometimes “friendly” in a similar way, but I have never felt disrespected by him. He’s just friendly and likes to tease. But he acts that way toward everyone, and there’s just something different about his whole attitude.
Another example: I have a guy friend who is quite the “ladies man.” He is about the biggest flirt I have ever met, and when I first met him, I was thinking, “What is this guy’s issue? Does he have no sense of propriety?” But after I got to know him, I realized that that’s just the way he is with everyone (though he maybe takes it a little too far sometimes and it comes across the wrong way to girls his own age). He’s always very respectful in his “flirting” and really makes girls feel special (in a good way), whether they’re 10 or 80 years old. He’s just one of those people who is fun to be around and who always brightens your day with a joke or something goofy he says or does. His brothers, on the other hand, are obviously from an entirely different solar system. They are very steady and level-headed and the closest thing they’ve ever done to flirting is a shy smile at a girl. 🙂
So yes, I think that some guys are naturally more friendly and “flirtatious” with girls than others. I don’t think it’s a character flaw unless they are excessive or inappropriate. But if it makes you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to say something. 🙂
Yep, totally agree, Kat! 🙂 Our preacher’s son is a lot like that–extremely friendly, very people-oriented…even with the girls. If you don’t know him, you’d think he was a flirt!
I was having an issue for a while with a friend. We were friends, and we spent a lot of time teasing each other. Mutual friends we had, my parents included, didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. However when people who knew me but did not know him very well would see it, I’d hear that I was flirting with him and he was flirting with me. This guy is outgoing, and he teases EVERYBODY. So I’d just tell them that and that they were wrong. He also had a habit of telling me “I love you”…but I just always took that to be as a friend/sister in Christ, and never would return it. Sometimes he’d start randomly singing love songs when I’d be around though, so I WAS beginning to get confused ~ and I didn’t like it. Then one day I was getting ready to leave and made me stop so he could whisper something in my ear. He whispered “I love you”. The way he did that I couldn’t keep ignoring it. What was he doing? What message was he trying to give? He teased everybody…I didn’t want to approach him on the subject. However…somebody older and wiser who DOES know both of us really well saw him whisper in my ear. So later I told her what he said, my frustrations and why I didn’t know what to think. She told me I needed to talk to him too.
So I did! I’m a pretty bluntly honest person. So I caught him in the kitchen, waited till it was just the two of us in there, and then said something like this. “So I have a question for you!” So of course he asked something along the lines of “What NOW?” (Note, we were in the habit of teasing and being sarcastic all the time, he wasn’t being mean.) Me: “When you tease, are you just teasing or are you flirting with me?” Haha, oh my, I don’t know how to tell his reaction! I was emberrased, and don’t know how red I was, but I think it was 2 or 3 times as bad for him that I had asked this! He busted out laughing and spent a minute or 2 just laughing before he would talk to me, but I think that was just trying to cover emberrasment. In the midst of laughing he inserted comments like “You do NOT know me.” and such, but again, nothing mean or whatever. And so while he laughed & was too emberrased to answer I pestered him with “Well? I need to know!” He eventually managed to say that he was not flirting, he teases everybody like that. Yeah, I know. Me: “Well then you need to stop because I don’t like it!” I was sort of laughing it off at the same time…I was emberrased too, especially since he kept laughing so much! Him: “What if I said I was flirting – would you still want me to stop?” Me: “Yes! I don’t like it!” Once he settled down we talked a little more and I explained that when he whispered in my ear the other day I didn’t know what to make of that, and older/wiser friend had seen it too! I told him he needed to be careful the way he acted/talked around girls because he might be confusing his other female friends without realizing it too. He explained that he hadn’t meant it that way and in even in school guys were always calling him gay for saying “I love you”. We changed the conversation (me not wanting to leave after such an awkward conversation as I wanted to make sure our friendship would still be okay). Talked for a minute, then I headed off to do something else. It took a couple weeks for the awkwardness to wear off completely for me, I assume for him too maybe. But I haven’t had any issues since. He doesn’t say I love you to me anymore, Lol! Our back and forth teasing is somehow a little different and a little nicer, and he doesn’t start randomly just staring at me singing love songs when we’re alone either anymore! *Whew! Honestly, I still don’t know if he was flirting, just having fun playing with me (though I KNOW he never would of meant to hurt my feelings if that’s what the deal was, just didn’t think about it I guess), or honestly was just being friends that way. He said just friends but….I still have to wonder. In any case, no issues since, we’re still friends and see a lot of each other, he’s been really respectful, and I’m a lot more comfortable in our friendship! Besides which, I’ve learned a lot from him too! Like how it is actually okay to be friends with a guy, to compliment and encourage him, to say I love you to someone, etc. Though if I say “I love you” to a guy I am more specific what kind of love I be referring to! Lol! 🙂
And I guess my point in saying all that is, if you’ve got a specific guy you’re having a problem with, why not just ask him? Or maybe you do hope he IS flirting with you, still, why not just ask him?
I think your light-hearted (if a little embarrassing) approach was a good idea. That’s kind of what I was talking about in my post. If the “flirting” is excessive, directed at only you, inappropriate in any way or makes you feel uncomfortable, then it’s not just a guy friend being silly or friendly. And you made a good point that even though you know exactly what your relationship with this guy is like, people who don’t know you who are observing you wouldn’t know that you’re not flirting. Which probably means that we need to be more aware of how things *could* look to those who don’t know us. Very thought provoking post, Grace. Thank you!
I don’t believe in innocent flirting. There is always an intention for anything. Whether it be a positive or negative response. The intent is there. Men flirt because half of the time they are fishing. They’re throwing the bait out there to see who’ll bite. That’s a big reason why men flirt so much, it’s because they’re waiting to see who’ll take the bait and who will flirt back. I used to be a big flirt myself until one day I realized that I was leaving an impression on people that I didn’t approve of. I didn’t want to be that guy and I had to ask God for forgiveness. I’m proud to say that I’m not like that anymore and I don’t flirt with anyone either. Some of the women who I used to flirt with have seen the change in me and at times have asked why I don’t “talk” to them like before. My response is because I changed for the better. Some accept it and some say they miss the old me. I stay away from those people though because sometimes that’s just what you have to do if you want to continue to be the better person you know you can be. In conclusion ladies, not every man flirts but if one does you better believe he’s going fishing. Don’t get hooked.