First, I just want to say that I don’t care who you are, PLEASE COMMENT with your opinion, whatever that opinion may be! 😉 Let’s get this post under the list of “Popular” posts! Let’s hear some responses, ladies! 😀 And thank you in advance!
Okay, so my question is this: Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about “guarding your heart” and not letting guys “know your heart” and not telling guys the “desires of your heart” and so on and so on. I totally agree with this, but I’m confused on how far is too far. For example: If I tell a guy that I enjoy riding horses, that’s obviously not “too far,” right? ( 😉 ) But what IS “too far?” When ARE you telling too much of your desires, hopes, and dreams for the future?
Has anyone else asked themselves this question before?
Again, any and all comments will be appreciated. 🙂
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I wonder too. I’ve heard that you don’t tell guys all your deepest longings, thoughts, etc…but… Yes, what’s too far?
Well I try to think about who else I would tell this type of thing to. If my siblings/parents/friends/etc. know this about me its generally safe. For example, I am interested in maybe being a neonatal nurse someday or doing foreign medical missions. Lots of people know this about me so I don’t feel like I am confiding in a guy if I tell him this. But not a lot of people know about certain struggles I have had in my life so I would feel like I was opening up my heart to a guy. I think the difference between just getting to know a guy in an innocent fashion and inappropriately opening your heart to them is the emotional connection formed. I think that is the sentiment behind not revealing the desires of your heart to a guy, not becoming emotionally attached. You know, one of the first things I hear when people are trying to justify a particular relationship (that they know is not right) is “But they just understand me like no one else!” Well, duh, they do, but only because you have told them so much more about you than others!
So its sort of a comparison battle because this is going to be different for everyone I think. For one person it might be inappropriate to tell a guy what they think God has called them to do in the near future, but for another it might not. It all depends on how much they normally disclose to people. A shy person might have to be more careful about this than an outgoing one since she might not normally open up to people about many things.
Think about whether you would feel uncomfortable having another person listening in on the conversation-if you would, that is a warning sign. I -think this is a very important question to ask-we girls get emotionally attached SO easily!
The tone of the conversation is very important, too- it shouldn’t be “we two are having a wonderful little heart to heart chat”, but “I am trying to discreetly encourage this brother in Christ.”
That’s a good idea! 🙂 Esp. if we imagine having our future husband listening to the conversation!
To me personally, too far is this:
Susie: “Yeah, I did such and such before I got saved. Like….. ” Especially, if it has anything to do with purity, etc. That guy may be bating you to get the latest gossip or to throw some dirt on you later. He also may be checking you out for a friend. It’s happened to me before! Something else to keep in mind is this: If one guy knows, they all know. For example, if you grumble and complain when your mom asks for your assistance with a sibling, and a guy hears you, soon A LOT of guys will know. Just somethign to keep in mind. 🙂
ok, so my personal stand on this is…
when i get married, i dont want all kinds of guys to have little “pieces” of my heart scattered across the whole earth. i like to ask myself, “would i tell my friend’s husband this” or “once i am married, would i say this to just any person”?
like if i tell my guy friend something personal, and then he married my best friend. would that make me feel awkward?
Good questions to ask yourself.
But then, I always felt that one should be good friends with the person before you marry, so that they don’t find out all this stuff about you afterwards and think, “What have I DONE???” So there’s a balance. I think it’s good to, if you’re actually someone’s possibility, let there be a decent amount of openness so that they know the real You. It’s a tough question, though.
I’m not sure if the question is “how far is too far?”
It’s more of a question of “just how much time are you spending with this boy (texting, talking, emailing, etc.)?” If you are always thinking about telling him something, or constantly typing out messages to him, you’ve definitely gone too far. Unless you are engaged, of course. That would be understandable. 🙂 But if he’s “just a friend”, then treat him like one! Don’t treat him like a fiance or a boyfriend.
That is a very good question! I have often wondered the same thing, but never really thought enough about it to decide what I think until you “voiced” it!
I’m not really sure about how much of your dreams and hopes etc. you should tell a guy. If you’re courting you need to tell each other these things, don’t you?
But I think that if we get to the point where any guy’s opinion of us seems more important than God’s opinion… we have given away our heart. Also, before marriage we need to respect our dad’s authority more than our “boyfriend” or whatever you call him. (Assuming your dad is a worthy authority.) Until marriage, God and your dad are authorities. After marriage, God and your husband. If your dad and, later, your husband are following God’s leading wholeheartedly, you won’t have to worry about them not knowing what to do with your heart!
Great question! I’m looking forward to the responses! This is the first time I’ve posted, though I’ve been following for quite some time now. This site has been very encouraging! Thanks for doing a great job guys!
This is how I screen things like that:
After i am married would I be comfortable with another woman sharing this with husband? By the way I use this to screen how far is too far physically, Would I want another woman holding hands with my husband? Sitting so close to him? Acting that way with him in public? I am a selfish person and usually do not want to even think of sharing him in that way!
I personally caution to be careful. Always remember once you have hugged, held hands, cuddled it hard to go back. Im in a serious dating relationship. I believe a relationship should deepen emotionally as it progresses, but it is important to share important dreams and vision to make sure that life plans are compatible I actually would not have dated anyone who’s life goals where not similar to mine.
I agree with that Esther! My boyfriend and I would walk arm in arm for awhile when we started courting, and found out a little late that my dad did not care for that!! It was really hard to stop and I still want to do it. Just don’t start if there’s any chance of your dad not approving, or the two of you wanting to do too much of that!
Son’t say anything you wouldn’t want your parents or future husband to hear:)
Well, too far as far as touch… before marriage I don’t really want to have any contact. The reason why is that verse that says “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” Now when doing activities I don’tthink it matters if you touch a little.
As far as emotionally like your thoughts and feelings, I am a very open girl (ask anyone who knows me) Alot of times I have to hold myself back because I say to much (I am a go-to-gal)
For me I try not to share certian struggles that I am going through personally. Unless you are getting married other boys shouldn’t know about your everyday struggles and going through life. A good rule to keep I think is would you feel comfortable telling your parents all that you have told “the boy” and what they would think. Usually that helps me. Also alot of times it is easy to just say things to see what their reaction is… try not to do that 🙂
Telling about yourself I do not think is wrong ” I like riding horses” “I love being with lots of people”…
If you are courting I think that you have a whole new bondary as far as sharing with eachother. It seems that if you are going to get married than you should share alot because you are going to live the rest of your life together and it makes it easier when there is a good line of communication going on.
Thank you, Sarah Beth! 😀
When my fiance and I were getting to know each other as friends, at a certain point it became obvious that we were going to get married. Every time we talked I think we began to get closer and share a little bit more, but it was never awkward. Keeping such conversations open and pure at the same time might be harder if you’ve been in an impure relationship before; but if you’ve saved yourself and he’s saved himself, and you know you’re getting married, share everything. Don’t hide behind walls, but rather learn to trust each other and look out for the other’s good.
Also, I know a lot of people who have decided to not touch whatsoever until they are married, but to me that’s just way too awkward. To go from nothing to everything in one single day would be uh….stressful! Hold hands, bind your hearts together, and learn to communicate comfortably (even about waiting ’til the wedding night, birth control, etc…). You’ll be thankful!
These are all decisions you should make before you meet someone. First, that you will save yourself for your wedding night, of course; but also whether or not you’ll kiss, hold hands, hug, and such before hand.
Hope that helps someone!
Hey, CJ
This is a good question! My husband was recently asked to review Brienne Murk’s book called “Eyes Wide Open”. She addresses this issue thoroughly, and we recommend that you read it.
She says, “the key to escaping emotional entanglement is to cultivate a heart that is completely focused on God” (p.143). When our eye is single, Matthew says, our whole bodies are full of light. This refers to what we’re focused on. If you thoroughly immerse yourself in the Word, on learning God’s will for your life, and on glorifying Him in all that you say and do, you just can’t go wrong. 🙂
I actually have read that book! It was a while ago though; I’ll consider reading it again. 🙂 Thanks for your input. 😀
There is no such thing as “too far” when talking with Christ in your private and personal time.
“too far” is when you think its ok to tell this thing to the boy/man but not to your father or brother.
“I like robins” and “i like mountainous landscape” is pretty general information. that can be told to anyone.
“I like to dance around in swimsuit” is off limits for descriptive of immodest purposes.